Thursday, September 30, 2004
The woman's vocabulary
FINE: This is the word she uses at the end of any argument that she feels she is right about but needs to shut you up. NEVER use "fine" to describe how a woman looks. This will cause you to have one of those arguments.
FIVE MINUTES: This is half an hour. It is equivalent to the five minutes that your football game is going to last before you take out the trash, so she feels that it's an even trade.
NOTHING: This means something and you should be on your toes. "Nothing" is usually used to describe the feeling a woman has of wanting to turn you inside out, upside down, and backwards. "Nothing" usually signifies an argument that will last "Five Minutes" and end with the word "Fine."
NOTHING (with raised eyebrows): This is a dare, one that will result in a woman getting upset over "Nothing" and will end with the word "Fine."
GO AHEAD (normal eyebrows): This means, "I give up," or, "Do what you want because I don't care." You will get a raised eyebrow "Go Ahead" in just a few minutes, followed by "Nothing" and "Fine," and she will talk to you in "Five Minutes," when she cools off.
(LOUD SIGH): This is not actually a word, but it is still often a verbal statement very much misunderstood by men. A Loud Sigh means she thinks you are an idiot at that moment and wonders why she is wasting her time, standing here and arguing with you over "Nothing."
(SOFT SIGH): Again, not a word, but a verbal statement. Soft Sighs are one of the few things that some men actually understand. She is content. Your best bet is to not move or breathe, and she will stay content.
OH: This word followed by any statement is trouble. Examples: "Oh, let me get that!" Or, "Oh, I talked to him about what you were doing last night." If she says, "Oh," before a statement, run, do not walk, to the nearest exit. She will tell you that she is "Fine" when she is done tossing your clothes out the window, but do not expect her to talk to you for at least two days. "Oh," as the lead to a sentence, usually signifies that you are caught in a lie. Do not try to lie more to get out of it, or you will get raised eyebrows "Go ahead," followed by acts so unspeakable that I can't bring myself to write about them.
THAT'S OK: This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can say to a man. "That's OK" means that she wants to think long and hard before paying you retribution for what ever it is that she perceives you have done. "That's OK" is often used with the word "Fine" and in conjunction with a raised eyebrow "Go Ahead." At some point in the near future, when she has plotted and planned, you are going to be in some mighty big trouble.
PLEASE DO: This is not a statement, it is an offer. A woman is giving you the chance to come up with whatever excuse or reason you have for doing whatever it is that she perceives you have done. You have a fair chance to tell the truth, so be careful, and you shouldn't get a "That's OK."
THANKS: A woman is thanking you. Don't faint, just say, "You're welcome."
THANKS A LOT: This is much different than "Thanks." A woman will say, "Thanks a lot," when she is really ticked off at you. It signifies that you have hurt her in some callous way and will be followed by the "Loud Sigh." Be careful not to ask what's wrong after the "Loud Sigh," since she will tell you only "Nothing."
FIVE MINUTES: This is half an hour. It is equivalent to the five minutes that your football game is going to last before you take out the trash, so she feels that it's an even trade.
NOTHING: This means something and you should be on your toes. "Nothing" is usually used to describe the feeling a woman has of wanting to turn you inside out, upside down, and backwards. "Nothing" usually signifies an argument that will last "Five Minutes" and end with the word "Fine."
NOTHING (with raised eyebrows): This is a dare, one that will result in a woman getting upset over "Nothing" and will end with the word "Fine."
GO AHEAD (normal eyebrows): This means, "I give up," or, "Do what you want because I don't care." You will get a raised eyebrow "Go Ahead" in just a few minutes, followed by "Nothing" and "Fine," and she will talk to you in "Five Minutes," when she cools off.
(LOUD SIGH): This is not actually a word, but it is still often a verbal statement very much misunderstood by men. A Loud Sigh means she thinks you are an idiot at that moment and wonders why she is wasting her time, standing here and arguing with you over "Nothing."
(SOFT SIGH): Again, not a word, but a verbal statement. Soft Sighs are one of the few things that some men actually understand. She is content. Your best bet is to not move or breathe, and she will stay content.
OH: This word followed by any statement is trouble. Examples: "Oh, let me get that!" Or, "Oh, I talked to him about what you were doing last night." If she says, "Oh," before a statement, run, do not walk, to the nearest exit. She will tell you that she is "Fine" when she is done tossing your clothes out the window, but do not expect her to talk to you for at least two days. "Oh," as the lead to a sentence, usually signifies that you are caught in a lie. Do not try to lie more to get out of it, or you will get raised eyebrows "Go ahead," followed by acts so unspeakable that I can't bring myself to write about them.
THAT'S OK: This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can say to a man. "That's OK" means that she wants to think long and hard before paying you retribution for what ever it is that she perceives you have done. "That's OK" is often used with the word "Fine" and in conjunction with a raised eyebrow "Go Ahead." At some point in the near future, when she has plotted and planned, you are going to be in some mighty big trouble.
PLEASE DO: This is not a statement, it is an offer. A woman is giving you the chance to come up with whatever excuse or reason you have for doing whatever it is that she perceives you have done. You have a fair chance to tell the truth, so be careful, and you shouldn't get a "That's OK."
THANKS: A woman is thanking you. Don't faint, just say, "You're welcome."
THANKS A LOT: This is much different than "Thanks." A woman will say, "Thanks a lot," when she is really ticked off at you. It signifies that you have hurt her in some callous way and will be followed by the "Loud Sigh." Be careful not to ask what's wrong after the "Loud Sigh," since she will tell you only "Nothing."
Wednesday, September 29, 2004
You know He watches
I will lift up my eyes to the hills - where does my help come from?
My help comes from the Lord who made heaven and earth.
He will not let your foot slip- He who watched over you will not slumber;
Indeed He who watches over you will neither slumber nor sleep.
(Psalm 121:1-4)
At one of the most difficult times of my life I found God to be with me. It surprised me really, because for some time leading up to that point I hadn't "felt His presence" in my daily life. I felt somewhat removed, and didn't know why. So, when I found myself in L.A., living a way that was less than unexpected, feeling lonely for my friends and family, wondering why I was there, I found God's touch again. It wasn't at a rocking church service. It was while sitting prior to music practice, reading a responsive hymnal out of boredom. It was then that I realized He always wants to reach me. I stop Him. I complain about not feeling His presence because I don't know how rest. He never moves - I do.
He watches over me.
My help comes from the Lord who made heaven and earth.
He will not let your foot slip- He who watched over you will not slumber;
Indeed He who watches over you will neither slumber nor sleep.
(Psalm 121:1-4)
At one of the most difficult times of my life I found God to be with me. It surprised me really, because for some time leading up to that point I hadn't "felt His presence" in my daily life. I felt somewhat removed, and didn't know why. So, when I found myself in L.A., living a way that was less than unexpected, feeling lonely for my friends and family, wondering why I was there, I found God's touch again. It wasn't at a rocking church service. It was while sitting prior to music practice, reading a responsive hymnal out of boredom. It was then that I realized He always wants to reach me. I stop Him. I complain about not feeling His presence because I don't know how rest. He never moves - I do.
He watches over me.
Tuesday, September 28, 2004
snippets from the kids
Matthew and I were visiting with his cousins and I participated in an interesting lunch conversation. There were two girls at the table (3 really, because I was there) and Matthew. I was talking with the girls about "GIRL POWER!!!" and we were having fun. Matthew contributed by saying that if there were no girls there would be nothing in the world except houses and atoms. He got it that without women there would be no more people. It's curious how his brain works sometimes.
Last week at the daycare I heard a 4 year old boy talking with Matthew. He said "It's hard being a kid, isn't it?" Matthew said "Yeah, it is sometimes." I didn't catch what happened before that conversation, but found it interesting.
Could it be true that every phase of our life we find it difficult? When we are a child we want to be an adult. When we are an adult we want to be a child. I say let's have both at the same time. Let's be whole humans, instead of segmenting ourselves out to each role that we have. Let's be passionate about people, about life, about ourselves.
I section out my behaviour as a mom from that as a wife. Then that as a friend from that as a workperson. That makes a lot of Annette's. Some of you are intuitive enough to not do that kind of separation. You are true to yourself in every facet of your life. That's where I'm arriving lately. Just me.
This week one of the kids was colouring. He used to be reluctant to do so until I kept emphasizing that it doesn't have to be perfect. It's about the experience. As he was doing the art yesterday he stated..."it's okay to make mistakes". That simple sentence spoke to my heart as truth and power. Do you hear it?
It's okay to make mistakes. Wow.
Last week at the daycare I heard a 4 year old boy talking with Matthew. He said "It's hard being a kid, isn't it?" Matthew said "Yeah, it is sometimes." I didn't catch what happened before that conversation, but found it interesting.
Could it be true that every phase of our life we find it difficult? When we are a child we want to be an adult. When we are an adult we want to be a child. I say let's have both at the same time. Let's be whole humans, instead of segmenting ourselves out to each role that we have. Let's be passionate about people, about life, about ourselves.
I section out my behaviour as a mom from that as a wife. Then that as a friend from that as a workperson. That makes a lot of Annette's. Some of you are intuitive enough to not do that kind of separation. You are true to yourself in every facet of your life. That's where I'm arriving lately. Just me.
This week one of the kids was colouring. He used to be reluctant to do so until I kept emphasizing that it doesn't have to be perfect. It's about the experience. As he was doing the art yesterday he stated..."it's okay to make mistakes". That simple sentence spoke to my heart as truth and power. Do you hear it?
It's okay to make mistakes. Wow.
Saturday, September 25, 2004
Trust
One of Deb Sawyer's favorite movies is Fried Green Tomatoes. Though I was able to appreciate it once I saw it a second time, the first time was different. It was at the theatre, with a girlfriend on her birthday. Since the movie was billed as a comedy, it was a perfect choice. Or so we thought.
There was so much tragedy in the movie. Yes, it was about great things like the inner strength of women, about standing up for each other and ourselves and about love. But not near enough laughter for me. At one point in the movie when my girlfriend and I were crying I loudly called out "Happy Birthday Niki!!!" and we both started to laugh through our tears. We didn't care what anyone else thought about it.
Niki and I didn't always have such great moments. As the relationship changed there became issues of perceived "abuse". Times where things seemed to be taken for granted or simply taken. Where the mutual respect dwindled and things became jagged. We began to separate, then I moved away for a while.
When I was away I was thinking through the relationship from its inception to its last state. It was a sad history to recall...the death of something. I talked with a friend about the feeling of needing to forgive, and she told me that if I did she would be angry with me for doing so. That it wasn't the right thing to do. At an earlier point in my journey I would have been glad to hear such words. Someone would have been in my corner in this dispute...in this sparring match. But that day it didn't sound good. And it really didn't feel good.
Months passed and I moved back "home". My heart began to heal toward this relationship. Maybe not to the same level that it was, but I desired to see her and to feel only good between us. That day came and we have seen each other on a few occasions. Now it's distance that separates us but from my perspective there at least isn't the animosity or distrust.
I wish I could say that this is the only time a relationship has fallen or trust has been betrayed. In this finite life that we live things can be tenuous. People change, situations change, loyalties change. It is not our desire to hurt others, yet it happens out of our ignorance, lack of understanding, impatience, impetuousness. And sometimes because our love is so strong and we lack the maturity to know how to express it best. To not possess.
I pray for restoration. Not only for me, but for you. To live and love as Christ has taught us. To let Him love those around us. We are powerless to do it on our own. We may try, but we'll screw up. And when we're on the receiving end of the "screw up", God help us to be accountable to him and the person we feel offended by. Help us to see through their misguidedness. Help us to love. Even if it needs to be at a distance for a while.
"Nuwanda!!!!!!"
There was so much tragedy in the movie. Yes, it was about great things like the inner strength of women, about standing up for each other and ourselves and about love. But not near enough laughter for me. At one point in the movie when my girlfriend and I were crying I loudly called out "Happy Birthday Niki!!!" and we both started to laugh through our tears. We didn't care what anyone else thought about it.
Niki and I didn't always have such great moments. As the relationship changed there became issues of perceived "abuse". Times where things seemed to be taken for granted or simply taken. Where the mutual respect dwindled and things became jagged. We began to separate, then I moved away for a while.
When I was away I was thinking through the relationship from its inception to its last state. It was a sad history to recall...the death of something. I talked with a friend about the feeling of needing to forgive, and she told me that if I did she would be angry with me for doing so. That it wasn't the right thing to do. At an earlier point in my journey I would have been glad to hear such words. Someone would have been in my corner in this dispute...in this sparring match. But that day it didn't sound good. And it really didn't feel good.
Months passed and I moved back "home". My heart began to heal toward this relationship. Maybe not to the same level that it was, but I desired to see her and to feel only good between us. That day came and we have seen each other on a few occasions. Now it's distance that separates us but from my perspective there at least isn't the animosity or distrust.
I wish I could say that this is the only time a relationship has fallen or trust has been betrayed. In this finite life that we live things can be tenuous. People change, situations change, loyalties change. It is not our desire to hurt others, yet it happens out of our ignorance, lack of understanding, impatience, impetuousness. And sometimes because our love is so strong and we lack the maturity to know how to express it best. To not possess.
I pray for restoration. Not only for me, but for you. To live and love as Christ has taught us. To let Him love those around us. We are powerless to do it on our own. We may try, but we'll screw up. And when we're on the receiving end of the "screw up", God help us to be accountable to him and the person we feel offended by. Help us to see through their misguidedness. Help us to love. Even if it needs to be at a distance for a while.
"Nuwanda!!!!!!"
Friday, September 24, 2004
Into the Light
Many of us have these "inner children"...the ones who are afraid to trust or love or relax. The ones who are afraid of being hurt, of being left, of never being loved, of being chastised, of not being good enough for the one they so desperately need acceptance and affection from. And perhaps in many cases the person/people that our child is desperately approval from is the one/ones who never gave it in any tangible form. Yeah I know that's a no-brainer, but it is curious. And it arrests part of our development. It's from that context that I go on now. A few days ago I said: I've opened up to someone in my life; ripped open my skin, and shown the guts. And it hurts. I found an infant inside, crouched in the darkness. Someone who knows that she can't be fully loved because of fear.
This week with help I opened the door to the room my little girl was in. It's not the first time, as is obvious if you have read the post from a few days ago. But she was different this time. She was curious about the light coming in the room. Attracted to it. I could feel myself...the little one in me slowly leaning toward the light. The light was acceptance. She slowly moved out of the darkness and into the square of radiance on the floor. The acceptance coaxed her out more. At one point she was teetering near the door. You know the curiosity of a child? It was there. With coaxing, she stepped out the door, just barely, warming up in the light. Then fear pushed her back in again. But that didn't last. After hovering in what has been security for so many years, she wanted more of the light and came out again. This time longer. And as she retreated once more, she was holding out her hand desiring to not go back. But she wasn't strong enough, because she couldn't choose to live outside of what she has known for so many years. Instead she "needed" to protect herself in a cocoon. To allow other parts of a woman to grow around her, but to keep the essence of a self-preserving one who couldn't allow herself to be part of the adult universe where betrayal, disappointment, distrust, lying, posturing seem too prevalent for one who just wants to be free, to love, to laugh, to live passionately.
For a number of years I felt fragments but couldn't explain it. My recent experience and interpretation still escapes proper explanation or complete understanding, but intrinsically it makes sense to me. We all play different roles at different times. We compartmentalize our lives and our feelings. Pieces of us shatter off, like tiny shavings of glass, and instead of being cleaned up they lie next to each other. Together they make a whole, but yet they are not the whole. I sense that my pieces may be coming together again.
My girl has moved out of the corner and is looking at the door. Sometime she will once again move into the light, and this time choose to stay there. That will be a powerful day...an awakening.
This week with help I opened the door to the room my little girl was in. It's not the first time, as is obvious if you have read the post from a few days ago. But she was different this time. She was curious about the light coming in the room. Attracted to it. I could feel myself...the little one in me slowly leaning toward the light. The light was acceptance. She slowly moved out of the darkness and into the square of radiance on the floor. The acceptance coaxed her out more. At one point she was teetering near the door. You know the curiosity of a child? It was there. With coaxing, she stepped out the door, just barely, warming up in the light. Then fear pushed her back in again. But that didn't last. After hovering in what has been security for so many years, she wanted more of the light and came out again. This time longer. And as she retreated once more, she was holding out her hand desiring to not go back. But she wasn't strong enough, because she couldn't choose to live outside of what she has known for so many years. Instead she "needed" to protect herself in a cocoon. To allow other parts of a woman to grow around her, but to keep the essence of a self-preserving one who couldn't allow herself to be part of the adult universe where betrayal, disappointment, distrust, lying, posturing seem too prevalent for one who just wants to be free, to love, to laugh, to live passionately.
For a number of years I felt fragments but couldn't explain it. My recent experience and interpretation still escapes proper explanation or complete understanding, but intrinsically it makes sense to me. We all play different roles at different times. We compartmentalize our lives and our feelings. Pieces of us shatter off, like tiny shavings of glass, and instead of being cleaned up they lie next to each other. Together they make a whole, but yet they are not the whole. I sense that my pieces may be coming together again.
My girl has moved out of the corner and is looking at the door. Sometime she will once again move into the light, and this time choose to stay there. That will be a powerful day...an awakening.
Tuesday, September 21, 2004
Sunday
As those who read the last post know, Sunday was difficult for me. There were tears. Old issues come back to make me wonder if they will always recur. And I had a choice. As difficult as it was, I made the choice. I'm not giving up.
In the afternoon I was told that it would be understandable if I didn't go to street church. I knew I would go, but told my friends not to expect anything from me. I went to church, and for those who were there you know how fabulous that night was! I was having some struggles, but I wasn't willing to totally give in. I started out timid and insecure, but became encouraged by the acceptance and participation in freedom that I saw in the room. People who had previously indicated they weren't comfortable in "the dance" were laughing and moving on the floor. I understand it's not about the form of movement itself, but about the release. About not caring what people think when you're opening up to God. About realizing that it isn't inappropriate. And many of those there lived it Sunday night. And the scary thing is, it's only the beginning. That doesn't mean we will become more "wild" in our behaviour, but that God will begin releasing our past and raising us in what He knows us to be way down in our inner recesses. And James is one of those leading the way.
Thank you for your support, love and prayers. I danced on the floor Sunday night. It's only the beginning.
In the afternoon I was told that it would be understandable if I didn't go to street church. I knew I would go, but told my friends not to expect anything from me. I went to church, and for those who were there you know how fabulous that night was! I was having some struggles, but I wasn't willing to totally give in. I started out timid and insecure, but became encouraged by the acceptance and participation in freedom that I saw in the room. People who had previously indicated they weren't comfortable in "the dance" were laughing and moving on the floor. I understand it's not about the form of movement itself, but about the release. About not caring what people think when you're opening up to God. About realizing that it isn't inappropriate. And many of those there lived it Sunday night. And the scary thing is, it's only the beginning. That doesn't mean we will become more "wild" in our behaviour, but that God will begin releasing our past and raising us in what He knows us to be way down in our inner recesses. And James is one of those leading the way.
Thank you for your support, love and prayers. I danced on the floor Sunday night. It's only the beginning.
Sunday, September 19, 2004
my heart and soul
Before you read this blog, read Brander’s. It will prepare you for my discourse.
For many years I have locked the doors of my house…always. Even when inside with others. I was ridiculed for doing so. Not really ridiculed in retrospect. I was enlightened. I lock the doors for fear of physical violation.
When at the brink of sleep, in those moments of letting go of the body and giving in to rest, I have often been awakened by the illusion of a dark shadow in the bedroom doorway. For years I’ve had a plan of action if my fears came true. At times I can almost feel the physical abuse of this fear.
Most of my life I’ve been captive to being a woman. I’ve been hesitant to celebrate how God has made me because it isn’t right. It’s perceived as sexual. Forbidden. So I lock myself down and try to be as gender neutral as I can be, yet maintain enough of what God has made me. Of who I really am.
As far back as early puberty I have memories of men trying to make a claim to me, either emotionally, verbally, or physically. And I don’t want to know what has happened in the minds of some. I have guarded my behaviour so as not to invite these actions. Yet, the violence continues. I say violence because I have been a victim to behaviours and interactions which have changed me as a person. They eat at my soul, cause me to believe that I am a bad person – am wrong and responsible for everything. If were physically raped I would be convinced that I deserved it. That I invited it by my clothes, my actions, my expression of character. Though I haven’t been physically raped I have been emotionally raped.
So many years of history. It’s hard to put down. I was beginning to trust that maybe things would change. That I would heal.
Today I found out that I am creating a “situation” which is causing a problem to some. There are some who want to tell me I’m not allowed to dance in church. I’m not allowed to be me before God. It is a stumbling block to some. I’m not allowed freedom and to live that which God has put in my heart…has created me to be. It has even been said that if I were 300 pounds and ugly there wouldn’t be a problem with the way I move. What right does anyone have????? And should I be less offended with that comment or more offended at the insensitivity of those who hold that viewpoint about myself or my sisters?
I now have a choice, and believe me the choice is mine. I’ve repressed a gift of God for 25 years before using it again last week, and I can repress my true nature during worship. If that’s what needs to happen I will be strong. And that means I’ll give in to the bondage of the problems and sickness other people have. But I have to weigh that choice with the feeling that I’m participating in something sick and twisted if I am true to myself. I have to deal with the idea that some men are imagining me in ways that wrench the insides of me. Even if it’s only a couple, is the freedom worth it?
I’ve been told I can’t give up this freedom. That none of us can give up that which we’ve discovered these last few weeks. I want to fight the fight. But I weary when I wonder how many fights will need to be undertaken. I’m tired…so tired.
So, I have a choice. Part of me wants to repress, and part of me wants to fight.
Only God can see what it will be – and I want to be in line with Him and humble for correction if that’s what He wants . Right now at the time of this post:
Well I won’t back down, no I won’t back down
You can stand me up at the gates of hell
But I won’t back down
Gonna stand my ground, won’t be turned around
And I’ll keep this world from draggin’ me down
Gonna stand my ground and I won’t back down
Hey baby, there ain’t no easy way out
Hey I will stand my ground
And I won’t back down.
Well I know what’s right, I got just one life
In a world that keeps on pushin’ me around
But I’ll stand my ground and I won’t back down
Hey baby there ain’t no easy way out
Hey I will stand my ground
And I won’t back down
No, I won’t back down
For many years I have locked the doors of my house…always. Even when inside with others. I was ridiculed for doing so. Not really ridiculed in retrospect. I was enlightened. I lock the doors for fear of physical violation.
When at the brink of sleep, in those moments of letting go of the body and giving in to rest, I have often been awakened by the illusion of a dark shadow in the bedroom doorway. For years I’ve had a plan of action if my fears came true. At times I can almost feel the physical abuse of this fear.
Most of my life I’ve been captive to being a woman. I’ve been hesitant to celebrate how God has made me because it isn’t right. It’s perceived as sexual. Forbidden. So I lock myself down and try to be as gender neutral as I can be, yet maintain enough of what God has made me. Of who I really am.
As far back as early puberty I have memories of men trying to make a claim to me, either emotionally, verbally, or physically. And I don’t want to know what has happened in the minds of some. I have guarded my behaviour so as not to invite these actions. Yet, the violence continues. I say violence because I have been a victim to behaviours and interactions which have changed me as a person. They eat at my soul, cause me to believe that I am a bad person – am wrong and responsible for everything. If were physically raped I would be convinced that I deserved it. That I invited it by my clothes, my actions, my expression of character. Though I haven’t been physically raped I have been emotionally raped.
So many years of history. It’s hard to put down. I was beginning to trust that maybe things would change. That I would heal.
Today I found out that I am creating a “situation” which is causing a problem to some. There are some who want to tell me I’m not allowed to dance in church. I’m not allowed to be me before God. It is a stumbling block to some. I’m not allowed freedom and to live that which God has put in my heart…has created me to be. It has even been said that if I were 300 pounds and ugly there wouldn’t be a problem with the way I move. What right does anyone have????? And should I be less offended with that comment or more offended at the insensitivity of those who hold that viewpoint about myself or my sisters?
I now have a choice, and believe me the choice is mine. I’ve repressed a gift of God for 25 years before using it again last week, and I can repress my true nature during worship. If that’s what needs to happen I will be strong. And that means I’ll give in to the bondage of the problems and sickness other people have. But I have to weigh that choice with the feeling that I’m participating in something sick and twisted if I am true to myself. I have to deal with the idea that some men are imagining me in ways that wrench the insides of me. Even if it’s only a couple, is the freedom worth it?
I’ve been told I can’t give up this freedom. That none of us can give up that which we’ve discovered these last few weeks. I want to fight the fight. But I weary when I wonder how many fights will need to be undertaken. I’m tired…so tired.
So, I have a choice. Part of me wants to repress, and part of me wants to fight.
Only God can see what it will be – and I want to be in line with Him and humble for correction if that’s what He wants . Right now at the time of this post:
Well I won’t back down, no I won’t back down
You can stand me up at the gates of hell
But I won’t back down
Gonna stand my ground, won’t be turned around
And I’ll keep this world from draggin’ me down
Gonna stand my ground and I won’t back down
Hey baby, there ain’t no easy way out
Hey I will stand my ground
And I won’t back down.
Well I know what’s right, I got just one life
In a world that keeps on pushin’ me around
But I’ll stand my ground and I won’t back down
Hey baby there ain’t no easy way out
Hey I will stand my ground
And I won’t back down
No, I won’t back down
Saturday, September 18, 2004
Jesus Crucify Me
One of Brander's songs:
Jesus crucify me like I need to be
Bury me way down
Kill my old man, bury him in the wind
So you can live within.
Now I see the purpose you have for me
Is to love you every little way
Now look at me, I'm walkin' and bein' free
Cause you fill me every single day.
Holy Spirit please come and flood my cup
And overflow your presence now
Drown my old man, bury him in the wind
So you can flow within.
Now I see the purpose you have for me
Is to love you every little way
Now look at me, I'm walkin' and bein' free
Cause you fill me every single day.
Jesus crucify me like I need to be
Bury me way down
Kill my old man, bury him in the wind
So you can live within.
Now I see the purpose you have for me
Is to love you every little way
Now look at me, I'm walkin' and bein' free
Cause you fill me every single day.
Holy Spirit please come and flood my cup
And overflow your presence now
Drown my old man, bury him in the wind
So you can flow within.
Now I see the purpose you have for me
Is to love you every little way
Now look at me, I'm walkin' and bein' free
Cause you fill me every single day.
My child
I've written myself a letter today, to help articulate and understand some of the things that I and we have been dealing with. When I say we I mean the blog community, for most of us seem to be on the same journey. Here is an excerpt from the letter.
I've opened up to someone in my life; ripped open my skin, and shown the guts. And it hurts. I found an infant inside, crouched in the darkness. Someone who knows that she can't be fully loved because of fear. I don't want to be loved as entirely as what is being offered. It's easier to give love because the focus comes off me. Because I don't have to accept it on a level that is deeper than I've received before. I don't have to be afraid to disappoint. Of being ugly. Of being left or never having been really taken in the first place. Of being deceived.
I have permission to be child-like at this time in my life. I can be silly. I can be girly. I will be loved more, instead of feeling the need to change in order to suit or satisfy. That is freedom, except to a mind that needs definition in order to understand existence and co-existence with someone.
What do I need to be? Others have needed me to be patient, loving, understanding, compassionate, supportive, directive, affirming, musical, funny, smart. What do you mean you accept me and love me only more when you see my ugliness. Can I do nothing to tick you off? My instinct becomes holding back and pushing away gently enough for self-preservation but slight undetectability. I can go so far in love and then the instinct to protect creeps up. Will you love me if I show you the ugly stuff?
I know that many of us feel this way. It's not just me. And if we pair down the reasons to their core they may be similar. Rejection. Abused trust. Disapointment. We are on this journey together. Have you found your child? It's time to have him/her stand up and walk into the light. To become an accepted public part of you. But not as they are. Not scared and insecure. Not repressed. Joyful. Trusting in that childlike way. As children we trusted but as adults we harbor the disappointment and distrust.
My self-letter probably isn't done yet, but it will be soon. And when it's finished I'll destroy it. Along with it the lies it tells. Come free little one. No more darkness.
I've opened up to someone in my life; ripped open my skin, and shown the guts. And it hurts. I found an infant inside, crouched in the darkness. Someone who knows that she can't be fully loved because of fear. I don't want to be loved as entirely as what is being offered. It's easier to give love because the focus comes off me. Because I don't have to accept it on a level that is deeper than I've received before. I don't have to be afraid to disappoint. Of being ugly. Of being left or never having been really taken in the first place. Of being deceived.
I have permission to be child-like at this time in my life. I can be silly. I can be girly. I will be loved more, instead of feeling the need to change in order to suit or satisfy. That is freedom, except to a mind that needs definition in order to understand existence and co-existence with someone.
What do I need to be? Others have needed me to be patient, loving, understanding, compassionate, supportive, directive, affirming, musical, funny, smart. What do you mean you accept me and love me only more when you see my ugliness. Can I do nothing to tick you off? My instinct becomes holding back and pushing away gently enough for self-preservation but slight undetectability. I can go so far in love and then the instinct to protect creeps up. Will you love me if I show you the ugly stuff?
I know that many of us feel this way. It's not just me. And if we pair down the reasons to their core they may be similar. Rejection. Abused trust. Disapointment. We are on this journey together. Have you found your child? It's time to have him/her stand up and walk into the light. To become an accepted public part of you. But not as they are. Not scared and insecure. Not repressed. Joyful. Trusting in that childlike way. As children we trusted but as adults we harbor the disappointment and distrust.
My self-letter probably isn't done yet, but it will be soon. And when it's finished I'll destroy it. Along with it the lies it tells. Come free little one. No more darkness.
Friday, September 17, 2004
Letter From Camp
Dear Mom & Dad,
Our Scoutmaster told us to write to our parents in case you saw the flood on TV and are worried. We are okay. Only one of our tents and 2 sleeping bags got washed away. Luckily, none of us got drowned because we were all up on the mountain looking for Adam when it happened.
Oh yes, please call Adam's mother and tell her he is okay. He can't write because of the cast. I got to ride in one of the search and rescue jeeps. It was neat. We never would have found Adam in the dark if it hadn't been for the lightning.
Scoutmaster Keith got mad at Adam for going on a hike alone without telling anyone. Adam said he did tell him, but it was during the fire so he probably didn't hear him. Did you know that if you put gas on a fire, the gas will blow up? The wet wood didn't burn, but one of the tents did and also some of our clothes.
Mathew is going to look weird until his hair grows back. We will be home on Saturday if Scoutmaster Keith gets the bus fixed. It wasn't his fault about the wreck. The brakes worked
okay when we left. Scoutmaster Keith said that with a bus that old you have to expect
something to break down; that's probably why he can't get insurance. We think it's a neat bus. He doesn't care if we get it dirty, and if it's hot, sometimes he lets us ride on the fenders. It gets pretty hot with 45 people in a bus made for 24. He let us take turns riding in the trailer until the highway patrol man stopped and talked to us.
Scoutmaster Keith is a neat guy. Don't worry, he is a good driver. In fact, he is teaching Jessie how to drive on the mountain roads where there isn't any cops. All we ever see up there are logging trucks.
This morning all of the guys were diving off the rocks and swimming out to the rapids. Scoutmaster Keith wouldn't let me because I can't swim, and Adam was afraid he would sink because of his cast, -it's concrete because we didn't have any plaster-, so he let us take the
canoe out. It was great. You can still see some of the trees under the water from the flood.
Scoutmaster Keith isn't crabby like some scoutmasters. He didn't even get mad about the life jackets. He has to spend a lot of time working on the bus so we are trying not to cause him any trouble.
Guess what? We have all passed our first aid merit badges. When Andrew dived into the lake and cut his arm, we got to see how a tourniquet works.
Steven and I threw up, but Scoutmaster Keith said it probably was just food poisoning from the leftover chicken. He said they got sick that way with food they ate in prison. I'm so glad he got out and became our scoutmaster. He said he sure figured out how to get things done better while he was doing his time. By the way, what is a pedal-file?
I have to go now. We are going to town to mail our letters & buy some more beer and ammo. Don't worry about anything. We are fine.
Love, Chris
Our Scoutmaster told us to write to our parents in case you saw the flood on TV and are worried. We are okay. Only one of our tents and 2 sleeping bags got washed away. Luckily, none of us got drowned because we were all up on the mountain looking for Adam when it happened.
Oh yes, please call Adam's mother and tell her he is okay. He can't write because of the cast. I got to ride in one of the search and rescue jeeps. It was neat. We never would have found Adam in the dark if it hadn't been for the lightning.
Scoutmaster Keith got mad at Adam for going on a hike alone without telling anyone. Adam said he did tell him, but it was during the fire so he probably didn't hear him. Did you know that if you put gas on a fire, the gas will blow up? The wet wood didn't burn, but one of the tents did and also some of our clothes.
Mathew is going to look weird until his hair grows back. We will be home on Saturday if Scoutmaster Keith gets the bus fixed. It wasn't his fault about the wreck. The brakes worked
okay when we left. Scoutmaster Keith said that with a bus that old you have to expect
something to break down; that's probably why he can't get insurance. We think it's a neat bus. He doesn't care if we get it dirty, and if it's hot, sometimes he lets us ride on the fenders. It gets pretty hot with 45 people in a bus made for 24. He let us take turns riding in the trailer until the highway patrol man stopped and talked to us.
Scoutmaster Keith is a neat guy. Don't worry, he is a good driver. In fact, he is teaching Jessie how to drive on the mountain roads where there isn't any cops. All we ever see up there are logging trucks.
This morning all of the guys were diving off the rocks and swimming out to the rapids. Scoutmaster Keith wouldn't let me because I can't swim, and Adam was afraid he would sink because of his cast, -it's concrete because we didn't have any plaster-, so he let us take the
canoe out. It was great. You can still see some of the trees under the water from the flood.
Scoutmaster Keith isn't crabby like some scoutmasters. He didn't even get mad about the life jackets. He has to spend a lot of time working on the bus so we are trying not to cause him any trouble.
Guess what? We have all passed our first aid merit badges. When Andrew dived into the lake and cut his arm, we got to see how a tourniquet works.
Steven and I threw up, but Scoutmaster Keith said it probably was just food poisoning from the leftover chicken. He said they got sick that way with food they ate in prison. I'm so glad he got out and became our scoutmaster. He said he sure figured out how to get things done better while he was doing his time. By the way, what is a pedal-file?
I have to go now. We are going to town to mail our letters & buy some more beer and ammo. Don't worry about anything. We are fine.
Love, Chris
Thursday, September 16, 2004
He Loves
Song of Solomon chapter 3 is written from the perspective of a woman, to her lover. For a moment, imagine it is God speaking about you.
Restless in bed and sleepless through the night, I longed for my lover. I wanted him desperately. His absence was painful. So I got up, went out and roved the city, hunting through streets and down alleys. I wanted my lover in the worst way! I looked high and low, and didn't find him. And then the night watchmen found me as they patrolled the city.
"Have you seen my dear lost love?" I asked. No sooner had I left them than I found him, found my dear lost love. I threw my arms around him and held him tight, wouldn't let him go until I had him home again, safe at home beside the fire.
How much does he love you and long for you? He would look for you until the end of time. That's how important you are. That's how valuable to Him.
Restless in bed and sleepless through the night, I longed for my lover. I wanted him desperately. His absence was painful. So I got up, went out and roved the city, hunting through streets and down alleys. I wanted my lover in the worst way! I looked high and low, and didn't find him. And then the night watchmen found me as they patrolled the city.
"Have you seen my dear lost love?" I asked. No sooner had I left them than I found him, found my dear lost love. I threw my arms around him and held him tight, wouldn't let him go until I had him home again, safe at home beside the fire.
How much does he love you and long for you? He would look for you until the end of time. That's how important you are. That's how valuable to Him.
Tuesday, September 14, 2004
No room for "but"
"It is not that I don’t believe God loves me, because I do. It’s not that I believe my feelings to be rational, because they are not. And yet they remain.
Do I believe the Word is true?
Yes!
But…
God leaves no room for “but”."
Check out the whole thing.
It's not easy to have an awakening. To have the demons resurface and feel that I may be winning the war against them. Maybe the correct way to phrase it is that God is convincing me that the war has been won, and I am beginning to believe it. I haven't arrived there...I am only on the journey.
Yesterday the journey became halted. For a brief time I felt isolated...detached. Nothing in particular triggered it that I could think of. I just knew that the same momentum wasn't there. I wasn't responding. I was tired.
Sunday with Susy I used a "gift" that I had told God I wouldn't use. I was 15 when I told Him that. I didn't want to be a freak. Now that in itself is funny, because some would call me that regardless. I didn't want to be "emotional". I didn't know what to do with the gift. And suddenly I found myself talking with Susy and holding her and we were crying. Of course, Rose was in there like a dirty shirt. I didn't know if what I was saying made sense to Susy, but put myself out there anyways. And I had told God in the past that I didn't want to do that anymore. I have another friend that I have been doing this with as well, on a more frequent basis. And I had told God in the past that I didn't want to do that anymore. Get the theme? Don't want to, don't want to, don't want to. Can you see my feet stamping and arms flailing? After being with Susy I was very emotional and spent some time alone back stage during Freedom. I felt God in a way I haven't felt in a very long time.
Monday brought a feeling of distance, of an "analytical" mind. Not a vibrant heart. No reason in particular, but maybe I was just zapped. Tired. It was a yucky feeling. Gross even. Then this morning I had a nightmare which I vaguely recall. It had something to do with people turning into the living dead. But I don't think their appearance changed like they do on the living dead movies. You couldn't tell there was anything wrong with them. But when they touched someone, the other person changed too...died inside. Wow. Is that what you feel like sometimes? It smartened me up today, though the panic and fear was fresh in my heart this morning.
I don't want to die inside in the areas I have been quickened. I want to stay alive. It's okay to need rest, but not a coma. If you need this also, I will commit to helping you. Will you help me?
Do I believe the Word is true?
Yes!
But…
God leaves no room for “but”."
Check out the whole thing.
It's not easy to have an awakening. To have the demons resurface and feel that I may be winning the war against them. Maybe the correct way to phrase it is that God is convincing me that the war has been won, and I am beginning to believe it. I haven't arrived there...I am only on the journey.
Yesterday the journey became halted. For a brief time I felt isolated...detached. Nothing in particular triggered it that I could think of. I just knew that the same momentum wasn't there. I wasn't responding. I was tired.
Sunday with Susy I used a "gift" that I had told God I wouldn't use. I was 15 when I told Him that. I didn't want to be a freak. Now that in itself is funny, because some would call me that regardless. I didn't want to be "emotional". I didn't know what to do with the gift. And suddenly I found myself talking with Susy and holding her and we were crying. Of course, Rose was in there like a dirty shirt. I didn't know if what I was saying made sense to Susy, but put myself out there anyways. And I had told God in the past that I didn't want to do that anymore. I have another friend that I have been doing this with as well, on a more frequent basis. And I had told God in the past that I didn't want to do that anymore. Get the theme? Don't want to, don't want to, don't want to. Can you see my feet stamping and arms flailing? After being with Susy I was very emotional and spent some time alone back stage during Freedom. I felt God in a way I haven't felt in a very long time.
Monday brought a feeling of distance, of an "analytical" mind. Not a vibrant heart. No reason in particular, but maybe I was just zapped. Tired. It was a yucky feeling. Gross even. Then this morning I had a nightmare which I vaguely recall. It had something to do with people turning into the living dead. But I don't think their appearance changed like they do on the living dead movies. You couldn't tell there was anything wrong with them. But when they touched someone, the other person changed too...died inside. Wow. Is that what you feel like sometimes? It smartened me up today, though the panic and fear was fresh in my heart this morning.
I don't want to die inside in the areas I have been quickened. I want to stay alive. It's okay to need rest, but not a coma. If you need this also, I will commit to helping you. Will you help me?
Disadvantages of Technology
Sunday, September 12, 2004
His Bride
Church was amazing. There was celebration. Freedom. Joy. Love. Acceptance. A return to the good things of our past with a vision of the future. It was very moving.
We have in our church a woman whom I've referred to as "the dancer". Her name is Coreen. When she dances I can sense the purity and simplicity of being in the presence of God. Unfettered. Focused on beauty. Intimacy. Awe. Love. Simple Worship in its unadulterated form.
I don't usually feel this accepting of "dancers" as I term them. But from the moment I met Coreen I felt the peace when she stood beside me. Her life is far from peaceful in its humanity and finiteness, but when she dances...oh it's a thing of beauty.
During Audience of One she inspired me. No, she touched me. She was wearing purple, the colour of royalty. She had a purple veil in her hands. At one point she let the veil wash over her, and as it blanketed her face she swept herself through it. And I suddenly saw what she was. The Bride of Christ. She was one with Him and He was one with her. Unity. Longing. Desire. Security. Rest. She was there.
Do you know how beautiful you are to Christ? He longs for you...for us. He wants to take us away and create a life with us. Unimpeded by our trappings. Unimpeded by ourselves. By our expectations. By our flaws. Brides don't have flaws to the bridegroom. They are gorgeous. Perfect. The realization of a dream. A fantasy even.
That's you. You are beautiful. He longs for you...to take you and dance with you. Run to Him. Embrace Him. He waits.
Read the lyrics of Audience of One in the post beneath.
We have in our church a woman whom I've referred to as "the dancer". Her name is Coreen. When she dances I can sense the purity and simplicity of being in the presence of God. Unfettered. Focused on beauty. Intimacy. Awe. Love. Simple Worship in its unadulterated form.
I don't usually feel this accepting of "dancers" as I term them. But from the moment I met Coreen I felt the peace when she stood beside me. Her life is far from peaceful in its humanity and finiteness, but when she dances...oh it's a thing of beauty.
During Audience of One she inspired me. No, she touched me. She was wearing purple, the colour of royalty. She had a purple veil in her hands. At one point she let the veil wash over her, and as it blanketed her face she swept herself through it. And I suddenly saw what she was. The Bride of Christ. She was one with Him and He was one with her. Unity. Longing. Desire. Security. Rest. She was there.
Do you know how beautiful you are to Christ? He longs for you...for us. He wants to take us away and create a life with us. Unimpeded by our trappings. Unimpeded by ourselves. By our expectations. By our flaws. Brides don't have flaws to the bridegroom. They are gorgeous. Perfect. The realization of a dream. A fantasy even.
That's you. You are beautiful. He longs for you...to take you and dance with you. Run to Him. Embrace Him. He waits.
Read the lyrics of Audience of One in the post beneath.
Audience of One
Lord You see every part of me
And I'm tired of feeling underground
It's time to take this inside...
And all my insecurity
It always gets the best of me now.
It's time to turn this thing around
Lord I feel I'm drowning here
For an audience of one
And though I know its what I've been told
That there's something yet to come
There's something new inside of me
I'm tired of feeling all worn out
Time to take this inside...
And all my insecurity
I won't let it get the best of me now.
Time to turn this thing around
Lord I feel I'm drowning here
For an audience of one
And though I know its what I've been told
That there's something yet to come
Far from these ordinary ways I'll stay(yesterday is gone)
So far from these ordinary ways I'll stay (yesterday is gone)
Lord I feel I'm drowning here
For an audience of one
And though I know its what I've been told
That there's something yet to come
Lord I feel I'm drowning here
For an audience of one
And though I know its what I've been told
That there's something yet to come
(Far from these ordinary ways I'll stay (yesterday is gone))
(So far from these ordinary ways I'll stay (yesterday is gone))
And I'm tired of feeling underground
It's time to take this inside...
And all my insecurity
It always gets the best of me now.
It's time to turn this thing around
Lord I feel I'm drowning here
For an audience of one
And though I know its what I've been told
That there's something yet to come
There's something new inside of me
I'm tired of feeling all worn out
Time to take this inside...
And all my insecurity
I won't let it get the best of me now.
Time to turn this thing around
Lord I feel I'm drowning here
For an audience of one
And though I know its what I've been told
That there's something yet to come
Far from these ordinary ways I'll stay(yesterday is gone)
So far from these ordinary ways I'll stay (yesterday is gone)
Lord I feel I'm drowning here
For an audience of one
And though I know its what I've been told
That there's something yet to come
Lord I feel I'm drowning here
For an audience of one
And though I know its what I've been told
That there's something yet to come
(Far from these ordinary ways I'll stay (yesterday is gone))
(So far from these ordinary ways I'll stay (yesterday is gone))
Saturday, September 11, 2004
the challenge
Rose has begun to blog. Her first "original" post will be up by Thursday night. It will be worth reading! Stay tuned. On an aside note, she will be publicly abusing me for this. Don't listen to a word she says!
New Beginnings
On the way to the Serving First Nations Listening Conference this morning there was a rainbow. Big deal, some may say, if you are used to seeing them regularly. But for those of us in the Lower Mainland we are used to rain...with no rainbows. After all, a rainbow is a "promise" of something that we have never witnessed...no more rain. Well, that's a skew on its real purpose, but it works for me. The rainbow made me smile. Not only at its beauty, but at what it suddenly represented to me. A new beginning.
Many of us are on this journey together. The journey of abandoning the past and walking to the Son. The journey isn't easy. It's not "stable". It's not "safe". It's not predictable. It scares the heck out of many of us. But the journey has begun. We all face a choice fo whether to press on or to turn back in fear. To rely on our old ways. To rely on our own selves. God honours us and loves us no matter what the decision. But He waits for us on the journey. He longs for us to forge ahead to Him, instead of turning.
We all walk our own road. Most times we feel like we walk it alone. No one can know what we are feeling. No one can have experienced exactly what we have experienced. That's crap. Some amazing things have been happening in the community of the blog. We are realizing that we are not unique in our suffering. We are not alone in our experiences. And, from my perspective we are not alone in this journey to healing. We are beginning to be a community - a family. We are beginning to love. And it seems the key has been to be vulnerable with each other (what a concept, hey?).
You are not alone. I am not alone. This is an exciting time...a new beginning.
Many of us are on this journey together. The journey of abandoning the past and walking to the Son. The journey isn't easy. It's not "stable". It's not "safe". It's not predictable. It scares the heck out of many of us. But the journey has begun. We all face a choice fo whether to press on or to turn back in fear. To rely on our old ways. To rely on our own selves. God honours us and loves us no matter what the decision. But He waits for us on the journey. He longs for us to forge ahead to Him, instead of turning.
We all walk our own road. Most times we feel like we walk it alone. No one can know what we are feeling. No one can have experienced exactly what we have experienced. That's crap. Some amazing things have been happening in the community of the blog. We are realizing that we are not unique in our suffering. We are not alone in our experiences. And, from my perspective we are not alone in this journey to healing. We are beginning to be a community - a family. We are beginning to love. And it seems the key has been to be vulnerable with each other (what a concept, hey?).
You are not alone. I am not alone. This is an exciting time...a new beginning.
One Way
One way, one way to Heaven
Hold up high your hand,
One way, free and forgiven,
Children of the Lamb.
Two roads diverged in the middle of my life I heard a wise man say
And I took the one less traveled by
And that's made the difference every night and every day.
So I say, one way, one way to Heaven,
Hold your head up high
One way, free and forgiven,
Children of the sky
Children of the sky
Children of the sky
Hold up high your hand,
One way, free and forgiven,
Children of the Lamb.
Two roads diverged in the middle of my life I heard a wise man say
And I took the one less traveled by
And that's made the difference every night and every day.
So I say, one way, one way to Heaven,
Hold your head up high
One way, free and forgiven,
Children of the sky
Children of the sky
Children of the sky
Friday, September 10, 2004
Say What?
Brander and I had been married for 5 years. In our perspective that was way too short to have children yet, though it didn't seem to match what we were witnessing around us. That sets the backdrop for the next part of the story.
One evening I was at a church dinner, sitting beside a 20 year old university "girl" who seemed comfortable being conversationally intimate with me. Perhaps I should rephrase that. She seemed to be comfortably nosy. We've all experienced that (and done that, in my case). She didn't know me well enough to realize that in that kind of situation I will take any opportunity to mess with someone's head.
She was smiling at a young mom who had been married for under two years. The newborn baby was so cute in his little suit and mom was beaming. The girl looked at me and asked me why we didn't have any children yet. With a poker face I informed her that I was still a virgin. Her face fell in embarrassment and uncomfortable silence as I waited a moment bofore laughing hysterically at her self-induced demise.
You gotta' watch what you're saying'
One evening I was at a church dinner, sitting beside a 20 year old university "girl" who seemed comfortable being conversationally intimate with me. Perhaps I should rephrase that. She seemed to be comfortably nosy. We've all experienced that (and done that, in my case). She didn't know me well enough to realize that in that kind of situation I will take any opportunity to mess with someone's head.
She was smiling at a young mom who had been married for under two years. The newborn baby was so cute in his little suit and mom was beaming. The girl looked at me and asked me why we didn't have any children yet. With a poker face I informed her that I was still a virgin. Her face fell in embarrassment and uncomfortable silence as I waited a moment bofore laughing hysterically at her self-induced demise.
You gotta' watch what you're saying'
Thursday, September 09, 2004
Drawing From A Fresh Well
Wilsonian wrote: I thought that I was the only one battling fear and self-loathing. Thought I was the only one struggling under the knowledge that God was whispering to me that He loves me and thinks me to be beautiful... and I've found countless ways to express to him that I think Him to be a liar. What a blood waste of creativty! Read it here .
Many of us are processing and struggling through the problem of self-love and self-acceptance. Seeing ourselves for the incredible creation God has made. He doesn't make junk. We've heard that before. We've heard God loves us. But until someone grapples with us, doesn't back down, and shows us it's hard to believe. And we become skilled at bypassing even those people. At making things seem smaller than they really are because it hurts too much to believe that we are valuable. That we are loved. It breaks down our coping mechanisms. How can we trust? How can we believe? Someone will always trash us. Will always break our trust. Will always leave us. Will always...... And we guard our heart. And it becomes tiny and we put it in a box. Never to feel love or give love in the magnitude that we know is within us. That we know is dying to be given.
Or then we suddenly become capable of giving it, but not of receiving. Doing for someone else becomes easier than having someone do for us. Because one day they may..........
I've thought it more important to build up someone's self-esteem and sense of value than to receive it. I've been willing to serve in order to nurture and heal another person. Just to be part of their lives in that way had to be enough. I could say I loved them deeply. And I could hear it said back to me. But then I realized that I couldn't really HEAR it said. I could acknowledge but not live. I could initiate but not take the affirmation. I could not accept my own self as worthy of that love. How are you doing in that area? We are unlovely creatures, or so events in our lives seem to teach us. We grab onto the disappointments. And I don't just mean being disappointed by others. I mean our disappointments in ourselves.
I told a dear friend recently that I don't need to know if they are disappointed in me. That I alone am beyond capable to be disappointed in myself. To find myself unlovely. To recall all my problems, insecurities, mistakes, indiscretions. You know what I'm saying? You're there too.
I don't where this is going next for me...for all of us. I'm don't want to live in the dung. I never knew I even was until this last couple of weeks. Especially this week. I don't know what is going to happen next in this journey. You don't know what's going to happen next in yours. Maybe today you'll cry. Maybe you'll realize that you're beautiful, though your first impulse will be to deny it and review the reasons for your unworthiness. Maybe you'll open the box for a moment and then lock it tight. Please don't. Don't lie to yourself and say that living this will protect you. It will perpetuate your pain for years. It will mask in numbness, until it resurfaces again, bearing its teeth. And you may be successful in setting it aside again next time. But each time you lose a piece of yourself. Of the child God has made. The good, healthy child. The one who wants to live and love with abandon.
Stop guarding your heart. You're squeezing the life out of it. Open your grasp. Let it go.
Many of us are processing and struggling through the problem of self-love and self-acceptance. Seeing ourselves for the incredible creation God has made. He doesn't make junk. We've heard that before. We've heard God loves us. But until someone grapples with us, doesn't back down, and shows us it's hard to believe. And we become skilled at bypassing even those people. At making things seem smaller than they really are because it hurts too much to believe that we are valuable. That we are loved. It breaks down our coping mechanisms. How can we trust? How can we believe? Someone will always trash us. Will always break our trust. Will always leave us. Will always...... And we guard our heart. And it becomes tiny and we put it in a box. Never to feel love or give love in the magnitude that we know is within us. That we know is dying to be given.
Or then we suddenly become capable of giving it, but not of receiving. Doing for someone else becomes easier than having someone do for us. Because one day they may..........
I've thought it more important to build up someone's self-esteem and sense of value than to receive it. I've been willing to serve in order to nurture and heal another person. Just to be part of their lives in that way had to be enough. I could say I loved them deeply. And I could hear it said back to me. But then I realized that I couldn't really HEAR it said. I could acknowledge but not live. I could initiate but not take the affirmation. I could not accept my own self as worthy of that love. How are you doing in that area? We are unlovely creatures, or so events in our lives seem to teach us. We grab onto the disappointments. And I don't just mean being disappointed by others. I mean our disappointments in ourselves.
I told a dear friend recently that I don't need to know if they are disappointed in me. That I alone am beyond capable to be disappointed in myself. To find myself unlovely. To recall all my problems, insecurities, mistakes, indiscretions. You know what I'm saying? You're there too.
I don't where this is going next for me...for all of us. I'm don't want to live in the dung. I never knew I even was until this last couple of weeks. Especially this week. I don't know what is going to happen next in this journey. You don't know what's going to happen next in yours. Maybe today you'll cry. Maybe you'll realize that you're beautiful, though your first impulse will be to deny it and review the reasons for your unworthiness. Maybe you'll open the box for a moment and then lock it tight. Please don't. Don't lie to yourself and say that living this will protect you. It will perpetuate your pain for years. It will mask in numbness, until it resurfaces again, bearing its teeth. And you may be successful in setting it aside again next time. But each time you lose a piece of yourself. Of the child God has made. The good, healthy child. The one who wants to live and love with abandon.
Stop guarding your heart. You're squeezing the life out of it. Open your grasp. Let it go.
Father's Love Letter
http://www.keralabrethren.net/article21.asp
My Child
You may not know me, but I know everything about you .Psalm 139:1
I know when you sit down and when you rise up .Psalm 139:2
I am familiar with all your ways .Psalm 139:3
Even the very hairs on your head are numbered .Matthew 10:29-31
For you were made in my image .Genesis 1:27
In me you live and move and have your being .Acts 17:28
For you are my offspring .Acts 17:28
I knew you even before you were conceived .Jeremiah 1:4-5
I chose you when I planned creation .Ephesians 1:11-12
You were not a mistake, for all your days are written in my book .Psalm 139:15-16
I determined the exact time of your birth and where you would live .Acts 17:26
You are fearfully and wonderfully made .Psalm 139:14
I knit you together in your mother's womb .Psalm 139:13
And brought you forth on the day you were born .Psalm 71:6
I have been misrepresented by those who don't know me .John 8:41-44
I am not distant and angry, but am the complete expression of love .1 John 4:16
And it is my desire to lavish my love on you .1 John 3:1
Simply because you are my child and I am your father .1 John 3:1
I offer you more than your earthly father ever could .Matthew 7:11
For I am the perfect father .Matthew 5:48
Every good gift that you receive comes from my hand .James 1:17
For I am your provider and I meet all your needs .Matthew 6:31-33
My plan for your future has always been filled with hope .Jeremiah 29:11
Because I love you with an everlasting love .Jeremiah 31:3
My thoughts toward you are countless as the sand on the seashore ..Psalms 139:17-18
And I rejoice over you with singing .Zephaniah 3:17
I will never stop doing good to you .Jeremiah 32:40
For you are my treasured possession .Exodus 19:5
I desire to establish you with all my heart and all my soul .Jeremiah 32:41
And I want to show you great and marvelous things .Jeremiah 33:3
If you seek me with all your heart, you will find me .Deuteronomy 4:29
Delight in me and I will give you the desires of your heart .Psalm 37:4
For it is I who gave you those desires .Philippians 2:13
I am able to do more for you than you could possibly imagine .Ephesians 3:20
For I am your greatest encourager .2 Thessalonians 2:16-17
I am also the Father who comforts you in all your troubles .2 Corinthians 1:3-4
When you are brokenhearted, I am close to you .Psalm 34:18
As a shepherd carries a lamb, I have carried you close to my heart .Isaiah 40:11
One day I will wipe away every tear from your eyes .Revelation 21:3-4
And I'll take away all the pain you have suffered on this earth .Revelation 21:3-4
I am your Father, and I love you even as I love my son, Jesus .John 17:23
For in Jesus, my love for you is revealed .John 17:26
He is the exact representation of my being .Hebrews 1:3
He came to demonstrate that I am for you, not against you .Romans 8:31
And to tell you that I am not counting your sins .2 Corinthians 5:18-19
Jesus died so that you and I could be reconciled .2 Corinthians 5:18-19
His death was the ultimate expression of my love for you .1 John 4:10
I gave up everything I loved that I might gain your love .Romans 8:31-32
If you receive the gift of my son Jesus, you receive me .1 John 2:23
And nothing will ever separate you from my love again .Romans 8:38-39
Come home and I'll throw the biggest party heaven has ever seen .Luke 15:7
I have always been Father, and will always be Father .Ephesians 3:14-15
My question is.Will you be my child? .John 1:12-13
I am waiting for you .Luke 15:11-32
Love, Your Dad. Almighty God
PERMISSION TO COPY:Please feel free to copy this text and share it with your friends as long as you do so free of charge and include the following copyright information..."Used by permission Father Heart Communications Copyright 1999 www.FathersLoveLetter.com
My Child
You may not know me, but I know everything about you .Psalm 139:1
I know when you sit down and when you rise up .Psalm 139:2
I am familiar with all your ways .Psalm 139:3
Even the very hairs on your head are numbered .Matthew 10:29-31
For you were made in my image .Genesis 1:27
In me you live and move and have your being .Acts 17:28
For you are my offspring .Acts 17:28
I knew you even before you were conceived .Jeremiah 1:4-5
I chose you when I planned creation .Ephesians 1:11-12
You were not a mistake, for all your days are written in my book .Psalm 139:15-16
I determined the exact time of your birth and where you would live .Acts 17:26
You are fearfully and wonderfully made .Psalm 139:14
I knit you together in your mother's womb .Psalm 139:13
And brought you forth on the day you were born .Psalm 71:6
I have been misrepresented by those who don't know me .John 8:41-44
I am not distant and angry, but am the complete expression of love .1 John 4:16
And it is my desire to lavish my love on you .1 John 3:1
Simply because you are my child and I am your father .1 John 3:1
I offer you more than your earthly father ever could .Matthew 7:11
For I am the perfect father .Matthew 5:48
Every good gift that you receive comes from my hand .James 1:17
For I am your provider and I meet all your needs .Matthew 6:31-33
My plan for your future has always been filled with hope .Jeremiah 29:11
Because I love you with an everlasting love .Jeremiah 31:3
My thoughts toward you are countless as the sand on the seashore ..Psalms 139:17-18
And I rejoice over you with singing .Zephaniah 3:17
I will never stop doing good to you .Jeremiah 32:40
For you are my treasured possession .Exodus 19:5
I desire to establish you with all my heart and all my soul .Jeremiah 32:41
And I want to show you great and marvelous things .Jeremiah 33:3
If you seek me with all your heart, you will find me .Deuteronomy 4:29
Delight in me and I will give you the desires of your heart .Psalm 37:4
For it is I who gave you those desires .Philippians 2:13
I am able to do more for you than you could possibly imagine .Ephesians 3:20
For I am your greatest encourager .2 Thessalonians 2:16-17
I am also the Father who comforts you in all your troubles .2 Corinthians 1:3-4
When you are brokenhearted, I am close to you .Psalm 34:18
As a shepherd carries a lamb, I have carried you close to my heart .Isaiah 40:11
One day I will wipe away every tear from your eyes .Revelation 21:3-4
And I'll take away all the pain you have suffered on this earth .Revelation 21:3-4
I am your Father, and I love you even as I love my son, Jesus .John 17:23
For in Jesus, my love for you is revealed .John 17:26
He is the exact representation of my being .Hebrews 1:3
He came to demonstrate that I am for you, not against you .Romans 8:31
And to tell you that I am not counting your sins .2 Corinthians 5:18-19
Jesus died so that you and I could be reconciled .2 Corinthians 5:18-19
His death was the ultimate expression of my love for you .1 John 4:10
I gave up everything I loved that I might gain your love .Romans 8:31-32
If you receive the gift of my son Jesus, you receive me .1 John 2:23
And nothing will ever separate you from my love again .Romans 8:38-39
Come home and I'll throw the biggest party heaven has ever seen .Luke 15:7
I have always been Father, and will always be Father .Ephesians 3:14-15
My question is.Will you be my child? .John 1:12-13
I am waiting for you .Luke 15:11-32
Love, Your Dad. Almighty God
PERMISSION TO COPY:Please feel free to copy this text and share it with your friends as long as you do so free of charge and include the following copyright information..."Used by permission Father Heart Communications Copyright 1999 www.FathersLoveLetter.com
the absence
I've been absent from blogging for what seems like too long, though it is only a few days. Lately I've been feeling like a "bleeding heart" and have tired of expressing myself so openly through this form. I've not known where to go next...what to express. So much has been flying around inside me, but none of it landing. I'll start this return to expression with a post that I've been pondering for some time. I only know the beginning. Where it goes only God knows at this point.
I don't want to be vulnerable. I don't want people to see the real me. It's too risky. I won't be able to take the pain if the real me is rejected. So, I make up alter images. I project. Rarely do I project who I really want to be or who I am. I mummify myself in a cloth of nonchalance, humour, aggressiveness. If you take the time to love me then you have shown patience, perserverance, and intuitiveness. You are welcome to join my life.
This shroud I move in has been an advantage for many years. But it is not always effective in desensitizing me from those around me. At one point in my life I wanted people to care for me and to involve me in their circle. It was hard to break in, as it had been for many before me. And when relationships had begun to form there were comments to me that I wasn't "nice" or sensitive. That should have been okay, because I would have decided they weren't worth pursuing since they couldn't see the real me.
A few years after that experience we moved to another church, and I wore the shroud, though though it was more subdued now, having learned from my previous experience. Within a short time a man from the church told me that he could see what kind of person I was. He could see that the bindings weren't the real me. He thought I was "nice". That was a death sentence in my mind. Nice meant easy to hurt and walk over. I would be caring...be loving...but not nice.He saw through the layers and he was right.
I don't wear so many layers now. More have been removed. And lately parts of the shroud are bare. It hurts, because there is the fear of disappointment, of damage, of loss. I find that in the exposed parts I am many people. A little girl, a passionate woman, a frightened child afraid of being abandoned. Some of these parts have been covered up for a long time and the skin is tender. They are in need of the healing touch of air and sun...love, acceptance, and understanding. The temptation is to cover them up again because it's easier - for the moment. And maybe some days I will. But slowly I hope the bandages will be removed and I will move uninhibited by fear and repression. They make an unflattering covering.
What is your way of coping? What scars and masks do you wear? Will it be forever?
I say no.
I don't want to be vulnerable. I don't want people to see the real me. It's too risky. I won't be able to take the pain if the real me is rejected. So, I make up alter images. I project. Rarely do I project who I really want to be or who I am. I mummify myself in a cloth of nonchalance, humour, aggressiveness. If you take the time to love me then you have shown patience, perserverance, and intuitiveness. You are welcome to join my life.
This shroud I move in has been an advantage for many years. But it is not always effective in desensitizing me from those around me. At one point in my life I wanted people to care for me and to involve me in their circle. It was hard to break in, as it had been for many before me. And when relationships had begun to form there were comments to me that I wasn't "nice" or sensitive. That should have been okay, because I would have decided they weren't worth pursuing since they couldn't see the real me.
A few years after that experience we moved to another church, and I wore the shroud, though though it was more subdued now, having learned from my previous experience. Within a short time a man from the church told me that he could see what kind of person I was. He could see that the bindings weren't the real me. He thought I was "nice". That was a death sentence in my mind. Nice meant easy to hurt and walk over. I would be caring...be loving...but not nice.He saw through the layers and he was right.
I don't wear so many layers now. More have been removed. And lately parts of the shroud are bare. It hurts, because there is the fear of disappointment, of damage, of loss. I find that in the exposed parts I am many people. A little girl, a passionate woman, a frightened child afraid of being abandoned. Some of these parts have been covered up for a long time and the skin is tender. They are in need of the healing touch of air and sun...love, acceptance, and understanding. The temptation is to cover them up again because it's easier - for the moment. And maybe some days I will. But slowly I hope the bandages will be removed and I will move uninhibited by fear and repression. They make an unflattering covering.
What is your way of coping? What scars and masks do you wear? Will it be forever?
I say no.
Monday, September 06, 2004
Sunday, September 05, 2004
Monsters
When I was a little girl I was afraid of the closet shadows. Not a real fear that something would come out and get me at night, but still an "honouring" which left me awake part of the nights, watching to ensure there was no change in the shapes in the darkness. No monsters living there.
30 years later I still have had monsters living in my closet. That closet is in the recesses of my mind and heart. At my very existence.
I've done things which shame me. Things which make me feel unworthy of love. And these are not necessarily acts I have done, but sometimes inaction in a time when inaction was the easiest thing to do. But not the "right thing". I have carried these burdens for more than 15 years. I've had a purging as of late. I've told some of my most guilt-ridden secrets and found love, not judgement, in return. By this love I've been taught that my Father is not disappointed in me. He understands. He forgives me more than I forgive myself.
At our church office is stenciled the words "No Regrets". It has come to have special meaning to me this last few months, first in what I think of another woman who has faced her sins and come out clean. To me it seemed so poignant in her life. But tonight during street church's prayer circle it spoke to me personally. No Regrets. Nothing we do or have done makes us unworthy. God redeems everything for Him.
You know the thing about monsters? They can't hurt us if we don't let them. Go check out the closet. Let them go. Don't be haunted by them anymore. It's really you who is doing the haunting.
No Regrets. All is redeemed.
30 years later I still have had monsters living in my closet. That closet is in the recesses of my mind and heart. At my very existence.
I've done things which shame me. Things which make me feel unworthy of love. And these are not necessarily acts I have done, but sometimes inaction in a time when inaction was the easiest thing to do. But not the "right thing". I have carried these burdens for more than 15 years. I've had a purging as of late. I've told some of my most guilt-ridden secrets and found love, not judgement, in return. By this love I've been taught that my Father is not disappointed in me. He understands. He forgives me more than I forgive myself.
At our church office is stenciled the words "No Regrets". It has come to have special meaning to me this last few months, first in what I think of another woman who has faced her sins and come out clean. To me it seemed so poignant in her life. But tonight during street church's prayer circle it spoke to me personally. No Regrets. Nothing we do or have done makes us unworthy. God redeems everything for Him.
You know the thing about monsters? They can't hurt us if we don't let them. Go check out the closet. Let them go. Don't be haunted by them anymore. It's really you who is doing the haunting.
No Regrets. All is redeemed.
Saturday, September 04, 2004
A time to live and a time to die
Today the balance of life was dramatized before me. Matthew and I were driving to Merritt to see family. Normally it's a 2 hour trip, but today it became more than 4 hours as we were stopped in a long line of cars for more than 2 hours. Judging by the police and ambulance vehicles passing us all I knew there had been a serious accident.
After our long wait on the mountain highway, we slowly began moving. Three lanes converged to two, with police officers guiding traffic. Up ahead I could tell there was still wreckage on the road. As we travelled closer I began to look toward the wreckage, to see how bad things were, hoping that it was just a "fender bender" and they authorities were being thorough. Matthew began to look as well. On the left I saw pieces of a motorcycle, then my eye was caught by a bright yellow tarp on the ground. Sticking out from under the tarp was a boot, toe pointing in the air. I quietly and quickly told Matthew to look to the other side of the road. He asked why and I told him that some things should not be seen by children. I was afraid he wouldn't obey, but he did. I watched him carefully, to protect him from the scene.
Shortly after passing through the scene we came upon a rest area, and stopped for a much needed bathroom break. Normally a women's bathroom line-up is a relaxed place, often filled with conversation. No one spoke a word, and it was obvious by everyone's expressions that they had noticed the same thing as I. The delicateness of this life was played out before us. We were sobered and respectful of the power of life and death.
But then a mom came in with a little baby. She was the sun we needed. She looked around at us and smiled the kind of grin that only innocence can give. We laughed. We watched her mom nurture her. When the mom was having difficulties balancing the baby with washing her hands, I offered to hold the child, thankful that the mom said yes. I held her and smiled, allowing that moment to soothe the reminder of what I had just seen.
To everything there is a season. A time to live and a time to die. In a way I have seen both today. For the family of the man on the bike death has come to them. Those who have survived him may feel that they too are dead. The mourning is necessary. The pause is required. And yet it can't stop there. We all have choices.
I've been saying this in many ways lately, and don't fully understand why. But today the lesson came again. And so I have to say it once more, this time over and over.
Choose life. Choose life. Choose life. Choose life. Choose life. Do you get it? I will say it again until you do...until I do.
I'm not editing this blog. Just listen.
After our long wait on the mountain highway, we slowly began moving. Three lanes converged to two, with police officers guiding traffic. Up ahead I could tell there was still wreckage on the road. As we travelled closer I began to look toward the wreckage, to see how bad things were, hoping that it was just a "fender bender" and they authorities were being thorough. Matthew began to look as well. On the left I saw pieces of a motorcycle, then my eye was caught by a bright yellow tarp on the ground. Sticking out from under the tarp was a boot, toe pointing in the air. I quietly and quickly told Matthew to look to the other side of the road. He asked why and I told him that some things should not be seen by children. I was afraid he wouldn't obey, but he did. I watched him carefully, to protect him from the scene.
Shortly after passing through the scene we came upon a rest area, and stopped for a much needed bathroom break. Normally a women's bathroom line-up is a relaxed place, often filled with conversation. No one spoke a word, and it was obvious by everyone's expressions that they had noticed the same thing as I. The delicateness of this life was played out before us. We were sobered and respectful of the power of life and death.
But then a mom came in with a little baby. She was the sun we needed. She looked around at us and smiled the kind of grin that only innocence can give. We laughed. We watched her mom nurture her. When the mom was having difficulties balancing the baby with washing her hands, I offered to hold the child, thankful that the mom said yes. I held her and smiled, allowing that moment to soothe the reminder of what I had just seen.
To everything there is a season. A time to live and a time to die. In a way I have seen both today. For the family of the man on the bike death has come to them. Those who have survived him may feel that they too are dead. The mourning is necessary. The pause is required. And yet it can't stop there. We all have choices.
I've been saying this in many ways lately, and don't fully understand why. But today the lesson came again. And so I have to say it once more, this time over and over.
Choose life. Choose life. Choose life. Choose life. Choose life. Do you get it? I will say it again until you do...until I do.
I'm not editing this blog. Just listen.
Friday, September 03, 2004
The unlovely
Many Christians imitate Christ's washing of the disciples feet as a symbol of servanthood to one another. The Bible story is fairly well known. Washing someone's feet would have been a lowly job. Walking many miles was common, sandals would have let the feet get very dirty, and the feet probably would have stunk badly with the dirt, garbage, and sweat. Not a pretty sight. The household of this setting should have provided a servant to clean the feet of the guests as they arrived, but did not. Jesus himself took the position of the lowly. It's a wonderful story. Yet, I usually feel there is no little or no transferred significance to our current culture... or at least not in my life.
We have a friend who has crippling arthritis. It is an uncommon type where the joints fuse together. It has been a painful life for him, and the times when his spine was on the verge of fusing were incredibly difficult. Once the fusing was complete, though he was relatively immobile or definitely inflexible the pain was subdued. This illness hasn't stopped his passion for life and willingness to try new things. He'll think of a way to make things work.
Ken always wears socks, even in the summer under his sandals. It's not to keep his feet clean. It's because he doesn't want to show his gnarled, twisted feet. If not for his comfort then definitely for the comfort of others.
One day at a small Christian gathering, it was decided that everyone would wash the feet of the person next to them, continuing in the circle. Ken froze. He didn't want to expose his feet and even worse have someone touch their grotesqueness. But yet he so wanted to participate in the tradition of servanthood.
It came time for Ken's turn. He embarrassingly took off his socks in preparation to be washed. He would understand if the other person wouldn't want to do it. He had to be ready for anything.
Without hesitation the person took Ken's feet and washed them, blessing them. No fear. No expression of disgust or putridness. Simple obedience with a servant's heart. Ken wept. The unlovely had been loved. The worst part of him was the best part for that moment.
Many of us feel unlovely. We feel we are grotesque at times...or most times. We don't feel we can be touched. Until someone does. And they don't flinch. And they don't gag. And we know that through them the Creator is telling us that he has made something beautiful, despite how we view ourselves. In that transforming moment we believe it. And when we can't, someone will believe it for us. Just listen to them. Just watch them. Just give in to them...to Him.
We have a friend who has crippling arthritis. It is an uncommon type where the joints fuse together. It has been a painful life for him, and the times when his spine was on the verge of fusing were incredibly difficult. Once the fusing was complete, though he was relatively immobile or definitely inflexible the pain was subdued. This illness hasn't stopped his passion for life and willingness to try new things. He'll think of a way to make things work.
Ken always wears socks, even in the summer under his sandals. It's not to keep his feet clean. It's because he doesn't want to show his gnarled, twisted feet. If not for his comfort then definitely for the comfort of others.
One day at a small Christian gathering, it was decided that everyone would wash the feet of the person next to them, continuing in the circle. Ken froze. He didn't want to expose his feet and even worse have someone touch their grotesqueness. But yet he so wanted to participate in the tradition of servanthood.
It came time for Ken's turn. He embarrassingly took off his socks in preparation to be washed. He would understand if the other person wouldn't want to do it. He had to be ready for anything.
Without hesitation the person took Ken's feet and washed them, blessing them. No fear. No expression of disgust or putridness. Simple obedience with a servant's heart. Ken wept. The unlovely had been loved. The worst part of him was the best part for that moment.
Many of us feel unlovely. We feel we are grotesque at times...or most times. We don't feel we can be touched. Until someone does. And they don't flinch. And they don't gag. And we know that through them the Creator is telling us that he has made something beautiful, despite how we view ourselves. In that transforming moment we believe it. And when we can't, someone will believe it for us. Just listen to them. Just watch them. Just give in to them...to Him.
Thursday, September 02, 2004
The Journey
I want to be tough. Resilient. Too many disappointments along my life journey taint enthusiasm and belief in goodness and unadulterated happiness. Pleasure is experienced, and in the shadows of the experience is the thought - no the knowledge - that this experience will pass through. That it will become a memory, many times pleasant and sometimes sad. I protect myself while in the present by thinking about this future, where my seemingly incredible recent life opportunity will live out its life cycle. Or love is no longer shared because people have passed through. I dress it up in the term Realism.
I have hamsters in my head spinning on a wheel. Some of them are very old and tired. But they run hard, because that is what they have done their whole life. To stop them would mean letting go of a coping mechanism...a sick security. They protect me. Keep me in the real world. Or do they? Perhaps instead they prevent me from basking in the real life that I am experiencing. No forethought. No long hours of analysis. Livng the moment without fear of the future.
It's time to kill the hamsters.
I have hamsters in my head spinning on a wheel. Some of them are very old and tired. But they run hard, because that is what they have done their whole life. To stop them would mean letting go of a coping mechanism...a sick security. They protect me. Keep me in the real world. Or do they? Perhaps instead they prevent me from basking in the real life that I am experiencing. No forethought. No long hours of analysis. Livng the moment without fear of the future.
It's time to kill the hamsters.
Wednesday, September 01, 2004
Fallen Saints
"In a world where, as I have said, it is critical that we do not think of ourselves more highly than we ought, we have subjugated our egos to such an extent that we are unable to be truly affirmed. We cannot hear the love of others. We realize our own depravity, our own ugliness and it penetrates our understanding of ourselves to such a level that it dements our mental health."
Read Scott's entire post here.
Read Scott's entire post here.
Saskatchewan tourism promotion
Welcome to Saskatchewan. Thank you for visiting our beautiful province. Here are a few things you ought to know to make your stay more pleasant:
1. If that cell phone rings while a bunch of mallards are making their final approach, we will shoot it. You might hope you don't have it up to your ear at the time.
2. No, there's no "Vegetarian Special" on the menu. Order steak. Order it rare. Or, you can order the Chef's Salad and pick off the two pounds of ham and turkey.
3. Yeah, we have sweet tea. It comes unsweetened in a glass with two packets of sugar and a long spoon.
4. So you have a sixty-thousand-dollar car. We're real impressed. We have quarter-million-dollar combines that we use two weeks a year.
5. Let's get this straight. We may have one stoplight in town, but we stop when it's red. We may even stop when it's yellow.
6. Our women hunt, fish, and drive trucks - because they want to. So, you're a feminist. Isn't that cute.
7. Yeah, we eat trout, Northern, walleye, and pike, too. If you really want sushi and caviar, it's available at the bait shop.
8. The "Opener" refers to the first days of fishing and deer season. They are religious holidays. You can get breakfast at the church.
9. So what if every person in every pick-up waves? It's called being friendly. Understand the concept?
10. Yeah, we have golf courses. Don't hit into the water hazards. It spooks the fish. And stay out of the woods, that spooks the deer.
Please enjoy your stay. "eh"
1. If that cell phone rings while a bunch of mallards are making their final approach, we will shoot it. You might hope you don't have it up to your ear at the time.
2. No, there's no "Vegetarian Special" on the menu. Order steak. Order it rare. Or, you can order the Chef's Salad and pick off the two pounds of ham and turkey.
3. Yeah, we have sweet tea. It comes unsweetened in a glass with two packets of sugar and a long spoon.
4. So you have a sixty-thousand-dollar car. We're real impressed. We have quarter-million-dollar combines that we use two weeks a year.
5. Let's get this straight. We may have one stoplight in town, but we stop when it's red. We may even stop when it's yellow.
6. Our women hunt, fish, and drive trucks - because they want to. So, you're a feminist. Isn't that cute.
7. Yeah, we eat trout, Northern, walleye, and pike, too. If you really want sushi and caviar, it's available at the bait shop.
8. The "Opener" refers to the first days of fishing and deer season. They are religious holidays. You can get breakfast at the church.
9. So what if every person in every pick-up waves? It's called being friendly. Understand the concept?
10. Yeah, we have golf courses. Don't hit into the water hazards. It spooks the fish. And stay out of the woods, that spooks the deer.
Please enjoy your stay. "eh"