be-musings

There was an art contest with the topic of peace. Many people submitted drawings or paintings of their interpretation of the topic...sunsets, sunrises, calm waters, melancholy meadow scenes. What won the contest? A painting of a bird sleeping in a nest in the heart of a bush. What's so unique about that? Around the bush was a storm, with black thick clouds, and around the bush debris was flying from the intense winds. Calm in the middle of the storm. Beyond "hunkering down" and lasting out the frenzy. Settled in and asleep while the turmoil and uncertainty continues.
He will give us Perfect Peace.

Carolyn has a fabulous post. It is true of all of us, even those who aren't alone. Whether married or single, old or young.

"Whom do you say I am?" This is a question our Lord asked, and still asks today. I remember in Bible school, being taught that with the things Jesus did a person could come to only one of three conclusions: Liar, Lord, or Lunatic. Then there is "I am that I am". "The Alpha and Omega." "The beginning and the end." You can't get much more all-encompassing than that. Many of us ascribe "human characteristics" to God. I can think of some prevalent ones (two of which will be mentioned here), and wonder which brings more imagery to your personal relationship with Him.
Some people have a father/child relationship. They call God "daddy" when they pray. They feel nurtured and looked after by someone loving who is bigger and stronger than they could ever be. A friend once told me that a man told him "God is your daddy". That struck a note with him, because he didn't have a dad who was proud of him, and that day He realized God was proud of Him no matter what his life brought. It revolutionalized his relationship with God the Father.
For me, the image of Jesus the strong brother creates warmth. Older, bigger, protective, nurturing. Sometimes I picture myself sitting on His lap, legs curled up in my arms, His arms around me. Loved and accepted. Safe from harm, full of peace that such shelter brings. It's been with me since early teenage years, after my earthly brother died. I guess that's why the image is so meaningful to me.
It is beautiful how God has unique relationships with each of us. How we personalizes himself in our lives in different ways. And sometimes our images and identities of Him change as we change. We need different things at different times, and He is capable of being everything we need at any time. When we let Him.

Sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeding drivers, a
State Police Officer sees a car puttering along at 22 MPH. He thinks to himself, "This driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!" So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over.
Approaching the car, he notices there are five old ladies -- two in the
front seat and three in the back -- wide-eyed and white as ghosts.
The driver, obviously confused, says to him, "Officer, I don't
understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit! What seems to be the problem?"
"Ma'am," the officer replies, "You weren't speeding, but you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers."
"Slower than the speed limit? No sir, I was doing the speed limit
exactly... twenty-two miles an hour," the old woman says a bit proudly.
The State Police officer, trying to contain a chuckle, explains to her
That "22" is the route number, not the speed limit.
A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned and thanked the officer for pointing out her error.
"But before I let you go, Ma'am, I have to ask... is everyone in this car OK? These ladies seem awfully shaken and they haven't muttered a single peep this whole time," the officer asks.
"Oh, they'll be alright in a minute, officer. We just got off Route 119

This is embarrassing. I said I would do an on-line Bible study on Hebrews, and I've already said everything I wanted to in 3 sessions. How's that for brief? Guess I'm a person of few words (yeah right). So, back to disconnected thoughts and verses until I can decide which other book to tackle. Shortest Bible study ever held!

This resurrection life you received from God is not a timid, grave-tending life. It's adventurously expectant, greeting God with a childlike "What's next, Papa?" God's Spirit touches our spirits and confirms who we really are. We know who he is, and we know who we are: Father and children.

This last week of work has reminded me of how God might look at us sometimes.
Monday through Wednesday the children played well together. Fights that would normally happen didn't. It brought proud sighs of relief. The children experienced a breakthrough in cooperative play. They were also listening well to direction.
Then came Thursday morning. Running, screaming, arguing, not listening (I mean them, not me). You know...full moon werewolf behaviour. It made me think that what happened earlier in the week was a hiccup in the universe of my daycare. But this morning, though there were some occasional tears and short tantrums, the children were considerate, responsive,and truly enjoyed being with each other. They're growing up.
I realize that human attributes can't totally be used to portray God, but that's what speaks to me most, so for this next part I will use them.
I can picture God looking at us individually and corporately. In my "vision" I see Him smiling sometimes and thinking "this is amazing". They're following my commands to love each other, and listening to my instructions. They're giving of themselves to one another. They're not being selfish. Then Thursday morning hits and He sees us running around wildly, ignoring the lessons that are best for our health, refusing to play nice. I can picture Him shaking His head. But He's not surprised, because He created us and He knows us. He knows our flaws and He knows our strengths. The next day id Friday. Sometimes we don't get our way with another person (or even with God) and we have a short temper tantrum. But not as long or as loud as we "usually" do. He smiles. We're growing up. Sometimes it takes a while to mature. Sometimes we have setbacks. But He keeps instructing us and demonstrating for us how to become more mature.

Hey...give me that dump truck. I had it first!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

It turns out that Matthew needs to have his tonsils and adnoids removed, and tubes inserted into ear canals. When he came home from finding out, he was excited that the doctor told him he could only eat hamburgers, chips and fries during the recovery period. No healthy food allowed! When Matthew talked about the surgery procedure he told mom and I that he wouldn't feel anything during the operation. He said that would make him a leper.

Last night's power outage reminded me of a particular one I experienced about 12 years ago. That night when the power went out I began to think of what I could do, since TV, stereo, computer couldn't be used. In my brilliance, I decided that would be a good time to complete a sewing project. I thought it was a legitimate idea, until I realized the sewing machine and iron needed electricity in order to work. So, am I a redhead or a blonde?

All your salvation wonders are on display in your trophy room.
Earth-Tamer, Ocean-Pourer, Mountain--Maker, Hill-Dresser,
Muzzler of sea storm and wave crash, of mobs in noisy riot--
Far and wide they'll come to a stop, they'll stare in awe, in wonder.
Dawn and dusk take turns calling, "Come and worship."

Oh, visit the earth, ask her to join the dance!
Deck her out in spring showers, fill the God--River with living water.
Paint the wheat fields golden. Creation was made for this!
Drench the plowed fields, soak the dirt clods
With rainfall as harrow and rake bring her to blossom and fruit.
Snow-crown the peaks with splendor, scatter rose petals down your paths,
All through the wild meadows, rose petals.
Set the hills to dancing,
Dress the canyon walls with live sheep,
a drape of flax across the valleys.

Let them shout, and shout, and shout!
Oh, oh, let them sing!

On the "Beautiful" blog someone put a very rude comment which I have deleted out of respect for readers. Blog sites are not for trash. If you have a problem with me or someone else who blogs, take it to the right place....the individual.

Hard to argue with these words, no matter what life brings.

Everyday is so wonderful
Then suddenly
It's hard to breathe
Now and then I get insecure
From all the pain
I'm so ashamed

I am beautiful
No matter what they say
Words can't bring me down
I am beautiful
In every single way
Yes, words can't bring me down
Oh no
So don't you bring me down today

To all your friends, you're delirious
You're so consumed
In all your doom, oh
Trying hard to fill the emptiness
The pieces gone
Left the puzzle undone
Is that the way it is




'Cause you are beautiful
No matter what they say
Words can't bring you down
Oh no
'Cause you are beautiful
In every single way
Yes, words can't bring you down
Oh no
So don't you bring me down today

No matter what we do
(No matter what we do)
No matter what we say
(No matter what we say)
We're the song inside the tune
(Yeah, oh yeah)
Full of beautiful mistakes

And everywhere we go
(And everywhere we go)
The sun will always shine
(The sun will always, always, shine)
And tomorrow we might awake
On the other side

'Cause we are beautiful
No matter what they say
Yes, words won't bring us down
Oh no
We are beautiful
In every single way
Yes, words can't bring us down Oh no
So don't you bring me down today

Oh, oh
Don't you bring me down today
Don't you bring me down, oh
Today

Need to Lose Weight?

As usual, "Wilsonian" has some very insightful thoughts in this post. It speaks truth not only of husbands and wives, but of friendships.

You deserve to be loved and honoured and adored and respected and cherished!
You deserve to be dreamed about, prayed for, bragged about!
You deserve to be in a relationship that would make young people wish they were older, and old people wish they were younger!
You deserve to be with someone who likes you so much, that if you were the same person 10 years from now, that would be fine with them... because she genuinely likes you!
You deserve to be in a relationship that would teach you about Christ's adoring love for His church!

We were having pizza for supper a couple nights ago. Matthew asked me if he could have leftovers for his school lunch for the next day. I said sure. He then asked if he could have two pieces. I said that would be great. He smiled ecstatically and exclaimed "You're the man!"

Hebrews 8:7-13 (only partially quoted due to space. Feel free to look it up.)
For if there had been nothing wrong with that first covenant, no place would have been sought for another. This is the covenant I will make with the house of Israel after that time, declares the Lord. I will put my laws in their minds and write them on their hearts. I will be their God, and they will be my people. No longer will a man teach his neighbor, or a man his brother, saying, ‘Know the Lord,’ because they will all know me, from the least of them to the greatest. For I will forgive their wickedness and will remember their sins no more.”
By calling this covenant “new,” he has made the first one obsolete; and what is obsolete and aging will soon disappear.

What I want to hone in on today is the bolded text. Not too long ago I had a conversation with someone about the Ten Commandments and the fact that many times Christians challenge other people to check their life in comparison to the Ten Commandments, calling for repentance on specific items if the examinee falls short on any one. I have a slightly different thought on that.
What do you think, when the Bible says that His laws are written in our minds and on our hearts? This is a quote from Jeremiah 31, for those who like to go to original text. Keep in mind that Hebrews was written for converted Jews who wanted to mix the Old and the New belief systems. In other words, the old religion with the new freedom and grace in Christ. Does that strictly mean we are to memorize the Ten Commandments, fulfilling them to the "letter of the law?" Many people today cant' tell anyone what all Ten Commandments are. There are Jewish people who have, as an act of literalism of the symbolism taken to wearing "boxes" on chains around their head or over their chest. Surely that's not what this Scripture means to do?
Let's go to Matthew 22:36-40
Teacher, which is the greatest commandment in the Law?”
Jesus replied: “ ‘Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.’ This is the first and greatest commandment. And the second is like it: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’ All the Law and the Prophets hang on these two commandments.”

Not everything Old Testament or about the "law" (the Ten Commandments) os bad. To follow them means to live healthy lives. The difference between the teaching of "remember and follow them strictly" versus the Matthew quote is motivation. Both have the same outworking...following Christ's command will result in not stealing, murdering, bearing false witness and down the line. Strictly adhering to the Ten Commandment "doctrine" creates "Godly", healthy living out of external motivation or pressure, whereas living out the Matthew passage comes from internal motivation. Which do you think produces a sincere, long-lasting life serving God?

In the Old Testament were many bloody sacrifices, as way of asking God for forgiveness for the sins of the individual as well as the nation. Rituals were gory. It was a different time than we live in, and many times we find it difficult to "stomach" the ceremonies and carnage offered to God at His request. It was a different culture and a different world view. I can't put myself in that place, but I can extract some truths from that time.
The Bible has never minced words on man's falling short of God's standard. It has always emphasized that forgiveness needs to be sought and sacrifice made. In exchange for our shortcomings and selfish ways death is a result. It began as death of animals in ceremony. Blood needed to be shed. The "sin" was symbolically placed on the animal and the animal slain. Shed blood of animals was used in covenants between people as well as covenants between man and God.

Hebrews 9:11-28
But when the Messiah arrived, high priest of the superior things of this new covenant, he bypassed the old tent and its trappings in this created world and went straight into heaven's "tent"--the true Holy Place--once and for all. He also bypassed the sacrifices consisting of goat and calf blood, instead using his own blood as the price to set us free once and for all. If that animal blood and the other rituals of purification were effective in cleaning up certain matters of our religion and behavior, think how much more the blood of Christ cleans up our whole lives, inside and out. Through the Spirit, Christ offered himself as an unblemished sacrifice, freeing us from all those dead-end efforts to make ourselves respectable, so that we can live all out for God.
Like a will that takes effect when someone dies, the new covenant was put into action at Jesus' death. His death marked the transition from the old plan to the new one, canceling the old obligations and accompanying sins, and summoning the heirs to receive the eternal inheritance that was promised them. He brought together God and his people in this new way.
Even the first plan required a death to set it in motion. After Moses had read out all the terms of the plan of the law--God's "will"--he took the blood of sacrificed animals and, in a solemn ritual, sprinkled the document and the people who were its beneficiaries. And then he attested its validity with the words, "This is the blood of the covenant commanded by God." He did the same thing with the place of worship and its furniture. Moses said to the people, "This is the blood of the covenant God has established with you." Practically everything in a will hinges on a death. That's why blood, the evidence of death, is used so much in our tradition, especially regarding forgiveness of sins.
That accounts for the prominence of blood and death in all these secondary practices that point to the realities of heaven. It also accounts for why, when the real thing takes place, these animal sacrifices aren't needed anymore, having served their purpose. For Christ didn't enter the earthly version of the Holy Place; he entered the Place Itself, and offered himself to God as the sacrifice for our sins. He doesn't do this every year as the high priests did under the old plan with blood that was not their own; if that had been the case, he would have to sacrifice himself repeatedly throughout the course of history. But instead he sacrificed himself once and for all, summing up all the other sacrifices in this sacrifice of himself, the final solution of sin.
Everyone has to die once, then face the consequences. Christ's death was also a one-time event, but it was a sacrifice that took care of sins forever. And so, when he next appears, the outcome for those eager to greet him is, precisely, salvation.

Praise Him for His perfect sacrifice...the gift of His life so that we may truly live.

Man, today was difficult. With the snow, the kids were excited. They were loud and rowdy. What was the worst part was that I "had to" go out in the snow and play with them. These are the stressful moments in my job, but I'm a selfless person who never begrudges such ardour.
At this point in time you know I'm sarcastic, right? Let me tell you how the outside time went today, and what I discovered about myself.
In the morning there wasn't enough snow to make a snowman, so we made a couple of snow angels instead. Well, the kids did. I was intent on having a snowball fight with them, and since their ages are 3, 3, and 5 the odds of winning were stacked in my favour. I tried to give them lots of chances and run wimpily (yes that's a real word) while they tried to loft tiny snowballs at me. I spared them injury by throwing weakly (but accurately) at them. When we were on the side deck by the patio door, I became inspired. I began to use the snow from the picnic table to make lots of snowballs. Stocking up. I didn't explain what I was doing to the innocent children, because I wanted the snowballs all for myself. My own gattling gun, let's just say. Then they noticed what I was doing and had this wimpy, non-competitive idea to throw them all at the patio door. At first I said no (because it had just been cleaned the day before) but then I paused to live through the brain of a child. Some days that's not a stretch for me. I thought "let's do it!" and we catapulted the snowballs at the door. Of course I had to see if I could hit the exact same spot on the door every time. I won't tell you how that went. It was great fun for the children.
I learned a couple of things about myself, neither of which are really new.
1) I can give up something I want (and inside whine about it)
2) I'm competitive, even with children! Argghhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

At age 4 success is . . . not peeing in your pants.
At age 12 success is . . . having friends.
At age 16 success is . . . having a drivers license.
At age 20 success is . . . going all the way.
At age 35 success is . . . having money.
At age 50 success is . . ... having money.
At age 60 success is . . . going all the way.
At age 70 success is . . . having a drivers license.
At age 75 success is . . . having friends.
At age 80 success is . . . not peeing in your pants.

So, now I'll start with what really came before the first post, in terms of my thoughts today. On the way to the river I formed a prayer in my mind. Things I want to be faithful in, and things I wanted from the Lord. This is a reconstruction, as best as I can do it.

God, help me to love others, even when loving seems so difficult. May I replace the desire for rebuttal with grace and mercy. May I show others what at times seems so lacking in their manner with me. May you replace sorrow and worry with your peace. May I be the first to seek reconciliation and restoration rather than complaining about petty injustices. May I consciously seek joy when it doesn't come easily. Yet may I not be afraid of sorrow, in that it sometimes is the dire expression of the soul and in itself is a step in healing. May I learn from those around me, even/especially those who are deemed as outcasts or undesirable. May I always have integrity in intentions and in actions. May others see You when they look at me. May I not live in fear, as I used to in the past. When I need to repeat the same lessons because of forgetfulness, cause my recollection to come quicker each time. That I may someday move on in maturity, to the next set of lessons You bring in life.
Please continue to heal my life and my heart. And in the journeying, please bring the same kind of healing to others along my path. Amen.

I have wanted to go the river (yes, Lori, sorry to say, the river) to start the New Year. It's a place of symbolism to me. A place to lay down the worries in my life and to give to God those things I would rather hold tightly. I haven't been to the river in over 2 months. I don't generally believe in times of reflection only on a timed occasion per year, but somehow this year is different. So, after grocery shopping I headed out there. I didn't stay long though, because just the thought of going there began the thought and prayer process that used to happen while there. I guess that's a good thing. It has become part of my soul.
On the way, I began to formulate a prayer. I wished there was paper and pen present, to capture the moment. Then my thoughts turned to this past holiday season, in its joy and in its sorrow. Is became melancholy. Usually my thoughts begin melancholy and end with hope. This was the reverse. And that was the opposite of what I wanted and needed, so now I will do this post in the order that I want my heart to follow. I've talked before about being a fairly private person. I don't show the depth of my emotions with others because they "don't need" to see it. If you ask me how I'm doing I'll usually smile and say "fine" or "good", because I answer in the context of my relationship with the person who is speaking with me. My life with you is fine or good. My life in my private thoughts or emotions are not always good or fine. Well, if I don't get past the introduction this post will be way too long.

I looked forward to this Christmas with anticipation, for an unknown reason. It seems that it should have been the opposite, since I'm newly separated, going through emotional turmoil, being talked (aka challenged or criticized) to and behind my back, managing the homefront and job, bearing what others may say are the consequences of my recent life choice. Yet I am in some ways an optimist and wasn't going to give in to depression or despair at this hope-filled time of year.
Much to my dismay at lack of control of emotion, Christmas Eve was difficult. I returned to New Heights for the first time in 6 weeks. I have missed the family and the spirit there. Toby's song brought tears on my face (you know, it's only called crying if the tears fall versus well up in your eyes) because I have missed the place. It was hard being there though, and I was (and still am) afraid to take my eyes off the floor while walking through the seating area and foyer. I left hastily after the service, because my heart couldn't stay. And you know, the heart must go where the body goes! At home later I tried to be jovial, but it was difficult. When everyone went to bed I laid in front of the Christmas tree, crying. It hurt so bad. I felt black and ugly. It seemed that was the longest I had cried in a long time, and I am not given to tears very much. At least, not tears of sadness. Don't look at me during a sentimental moment in someone's life though! After the crying was over, I laid on the floor still, head under the blanket, immersed in darkness not looking at the bright of the lights on the tree. I was there for 3 hours, dozing inbetween the anguish, until finally sensibility took over and I went to bed. I found out the next day that my sister kept sneaking in the livingroom to put goodies in the stockings, and going back to her room everytime she saw me still there. So, I kept her up until 2:30!
Christmas Day came with hope and joy. I was immersed in Matthew's excitement and was thrilled to be involved in his day. It was a welcome change from the evening before. The remainder of that week continued well. No, I forgot about church that Sunday. Afterwards I spoke to a fellow attendee and began to thank them for something that was meaningful to me which happened between us in the fall. That opening line was met with what I perceived was criticism, condemnation, accusation, and preaching. I went home shaking, very hurt, and to be honest angry. For a while it boiled, but that afternoon I called the person and we talked. It is my honest desire to be gracious and kind, not angry. I want to come through this part of my life with light, not blackness of the soul.
New Years Eve a decision was to be made. Do I stay home and not go to the street church dance, which I had so wanted to attend? I was afraid another confrontation would ensue from someone else, or that I would catch "glances". It feels there is only so much my heart can take now. Mom and I decided to go and to be honest, I was so afraid. I felt that I "knew" it would be another teary departure, as had happened a while prior. The evening began with caution in my heart and movements, though I tried not to let others see that. I was so happy to greet the people there and gave them big hugs, so grateful that at least for those moments I didn't hurt. When people would call me onto the dance floor I went, but so afraid to look at anyone for what I may see in their eyes. As the evening wore on I found more freedom, especially near the end. A worship song was played and I danced in front of the speakers, arms stretched out in love for God. He is constant. He is the lover of my soul. I was in enraptured with Him. It was such a good feeling, and one that I have missed.
Today I went to church at the new location. Once again it was difficult, but not as hard as other times. I was pulled aside and questioned about my separation, and once again "preached at". I was also hugged by some others later, and held onto as if to say "I love you". I was told that I am missed on stage. It was all good to hear. I want to hang onto those healing things that happened this morning, not the questioning. Scott talked about reconciliation. Peter denied Jesus three times. Jesus, after rising from the grave, asked Peter 3 times if Peter loved him. Peter's answer wasn't necessarily "right" according to our hindsight (when asked if he loves Jesus, Peter replied that he liked him), but Jesus was gracious in publicly restoring him to forgiveness and acceptance. Three times denied...three times given the opportunity to proclaim his acceptance and love of Christ. God's irony and restoration is amazing.
These are the things that went through me on the way to the river. Yes, they are depressing (at least to me). I don't like pausing in life for these kinds of thoughts or memories. Love and joy are too fleeting when credibility is given to sorrow. Yet sometimes through sorrow we then lay in God's arms and allow Him to heal us. To accept His love when we have shut out the love of others or can't see it. To heal and rise and experience His true joy, sustaining us through the next part of our journey. Maybe it all happens in one day, and then again the next day. In those times I hope the sorrow becomes shorter and shorter, and the hope, love and joy lengthier and more resilient.
I guess I just began another prayer for your life and my life. I will post the next section later tonight.

It's customary in our culture to give New Year's greetings and express heart-felt wishes for happiness and prosperity. I didn't know what to blog until this evening.

As I was preparing to go out, I tried on a pair of pants that haven't been worn for about a year. They didn't pass the mirror test, but as I was about to remove them I noticed one of the pockets felt stiffer than the other. There was money in it! Then as I was looking under the bathroom sink for something to hold my hair up I checked in a makeup bag that I suspected might contain a barrette. I hadn't used the bag since summer. There was money in it! Now I know what to wish for you.

May you find joy in small things, prosperity where we least expect it, and share it with others. May you find just one friend who loves you despite your darkest moments - who could see your flaws if they wanted, but through choice looks at you and says "what do you mean?" when you complain about your shortcomings. May you find the love of Christ.