be-musings

For those of you who have experience around little ones, you might find the www.babyblues.com site hilarious. When at the chiropractor I find myself laughing in the little room. I won't say if I was wearing a restricting "coat" at the time.

As I walked past the dining table I saw a shadow that wasn’t familiar. I came closer to see what it was, and behold it was a little girl. She sat, legs huddled up to her torso, cradled by her arms.
“Why are you down there?”
Silence, as she looked down, still embracing her legs tightly.
“It’s okay, I won’t hurt you.”
I slowly began to reach my hand toward her as I was crouched down beside the table. Her head slowly turned toward me a bit, but she didn’t move or reach out. As her face caught a ray of light I thought she looked familiar, but before I could decide, she was in darkness again. Not knowing what to say next, I waited for a bit.
“How did you come to be here?”
“You invited me a long time ago.”
Oh good, she spoke. But she sounded sad and somewhat far away in thought. Like she was remembering something.
I’m sorry, but I don’t understand. You look familiar, but I don’t really recognize you. Who are you?
"My name is Joy."
The name sparked in my heart and my memory. Something faint twigged. Something remote, but with a strong scent. Oh yes, I knew this girl. I wasn’t exactly proud to have forgotten her and I was hesitant now to be with her. But she looked so lonely and I felt compelled to talk with her. I sat down beside her, arms wrapped around my legs, tight to my torso. We looked like twins of different sizes. We both gazed ahead as we thought of our old times together.
“I remember you. It’s been a long time.”
“Yes. I miss you.” She looked at me. I saw that glint in her eye that I remember well. It was the innocent happiness of childhood untainted by experience...the blissful wonder of eyes that haven’t seen death of life and hopes and dreams. Eyes that said the world and all its wonders would always be ready to be explored and shared. Not claimed, because to claim it would be to take it from others.. The look drew me in, but my shame caused me to look away.
“Will you come play with me? Can we do it today?”I didn’t want to tell her how I felt. I couldn’t do what she asked, and I knew it. Too many things pressed in, too many thoughts had taken over my time, too much experience stolen my…
“I can’t.”
”Will you dance with me?”
“I can’t.”
“I know. I have seen you with my sisters while I have watched from behind a tree. I’ve seen you run with Frivolity and laugh with Merriment. You’ve danced with Ecstacy and loved with Abandon. I watched you when you were with Abandon. You were so excited, but later became so heartbroken. I was sad to see that happen. You have played with all my sisters, yet you won’t play with me. Why?”
“I just…can’t.” It was time to be honest. “Your sisters play with me when I want to have fun. I can leave them when I want to think about…other things. Just come out and I’ll take you home.”
“This is my home.”
“No.”
“This is my home. I will wait until you’re ready. I was meant for you, but not to visit you. I was made to live with you and be with you every day. I won’t come and go like my sisters. I won’t play with you only when it’s sunny. I will be here every day, even when you don’t always feel like seeing me.”Her words rung true to me. I knew I had been going to her sisters because it was simpler for me. I knew it was easier to believe that I had enough just by visiting but not living with them. I knew they couldn’t stop long enough to stay with me for too long. Yet I kept going back to them. Why?
“Do you know why I’m in the shadows?”I was afraid of the answer.
“Because I live where you live. You live in the shadow of life and death – of hope and discouragement. So I wait here for you. I won’t come out unless you take me out.”
I knew I was afraid of the answer. “I don’t know how.”
“Trust in God. Choose to live with me. Cast off that which keeps you in the dark.”
She was right. I was scared. So scared. So many 'what if' possibilities. Pessimism was easier to live with, though it tired me so much. Sorrow was a known companion.
“Can I have sorrow if I choose you?”
“Yes, but not for as long as you have decided to bunk in with it. You know it’s time to let it go.”“Yes.” I hesitated. She held out her hand. “Now will you come play with me?” I was scared…..as we stepped into the light together.
I couldn’t help but stare at her peaceful face as she looked fully into mine. She didn’t have the same sparkle that Merriment had. Yet it was somehow contained in her. It is hard to describe what I saw in her eyes that day, until I looked at the mirror as we walked by and noticed something unusual. My eyes began to reflect the look she had. It was a knowledge that I was not alone and that my heart could feel again.

That previous post was timely. Today while drinking takeout tea at my desk I didn't notice the hole in the lid was not in line with the opening of my mouth. I tipped it back, and the tea splashed on my skirt. I chided myself as I wiped off the moisture. Ten minutes later I did it again!
Good thing I didn't have to meet with clients today.

Oh, as I was cleaning my skirt I recalled the time I dropped vegetable soup all over my clothes while on lunch at another job. It looked like someone puked on me. I had to go home and change. You should try that one when you want to take a couple hours off work. Or you could split your pants at work and have to shop for a replacement item on paid time. But then years later that skirt you bought to wear instead of the ripped pants might get tea spilled on it because you didn't know your mouth wasn't on the side of your face.

I'm klutzy. 15 years ago I knew this, and told a fellow worker. She didn't seem to believe me much, until later that day while bending over to get my bag I didn't notice how close the corner of my eye was to the corner of the counter. A little bang and tiny cut prompted her to say "How did you do that? You really are clumsy!"
Another time I was carrying bank files from the back hallway of the branch into the customer service area, but behind it where the desks are. I was happily singing as I walked and looked at a coworker...as I promptly ran into a desk with my legs and the files splayed over it and the person sitting there. Never saw that one coming!
Then there was the time years ago that I was running out of the house and with my left hand pushed on the glass portion of the storm door while pressing on the latch with my right hand. Except I think I pushed on the door with the left hand first, because it didn't open. Instead my hand and head went through the glass, slicing my wrist down to the bone. My legs hit the metal portion, which caused the most immediate pain that I needed to attend to, until the gaping wound was discovered and mom threw a bath towel around my wrist, yanked it in the air, and got the neighbour to drive me to the doctor while I was thinking "Are they going to have to amputate?" Oh, I'm not dramatic. I still bear the scar today, though it isn't a long one.
Then there was the time my tall girlfriend and I were skating in my back yard and we agreed it would be fun to take a run at the snow bank and dive into it. I tried to clarify "Fall in, or jump far?" Before the answer was said she yelled "Let's go", we skated as fast as I could, and the skate blade up and down my face told me she meant jump as far as we could. She was way taller than me, therefore jumped way further. That was another trip to the hospital for stitches in the face, by the same doctor who stitched my wrist months earlier. See a trend?
Well, Saturday while setting up for church we came up with the idea of putting seating on the stage and the band down below. We were figuring out what would work best, and I couldn't bear the thought of the tall stools being near the edge of the stage. Lori looked at me like I was an idiot when I told her that it wouldn't work because I was afraid people would fall off the stage when they were goofing off or moving the stool to get up. But she graciously agreed. She was glad she did, when later I showed her what it's like to be around someone who isn't too graceful.
I went to sit down beside her on the low couch. The cushion compressed, and it (or my hip) knocked over a coffee mug that was on the floor. Simultaneously I moved my hand in exclamation of shock, and it knocked her beverage, which spilled on the couch. I got a two for one shot! She laughed (too much) and told me I was right about being clumsy.
I think it opened up a whole new world for her. I'm glad I could expand her horizon, and look forward to the opportunity to expose her to such diversity again. Lori, next time you better be wearing latex clothing!

Can you tell which bird is the female?

About 10 years ago when I worked in the bank as a clerk, I spent some time with our area manager. She was a nice woman, from what I could tell. Not being one given to speaking rhetoric or parroting popular language, I didn't always fit in with those who are higher up, but some of the bosses were great at fitting in with lots of kinds of people. I found myself at one point getting excited about being with her and catching the vision that she had for the company. Then I did it. I spoke a sentence or two that wasn't who I was. I said the catchy party phrases. I threw the lingo like I lived and breathed it. I almost winced as soon as I realized what I did. It was like I lied about who I was, but the lie wasn't intentional. I just gave in and joined the group for that moment. What group? Well, not the bank, because I had given in and sold out to the good things of the company long before. But I uttered the words that meant I was part of the "in" group...and the words never really mattered to me.
In the bank we realized as employees, that we have an internal language. It was unique to us and separated us from those who were not part of us. We began to realize that we were getting so immersed in the use of the language that we were excluding others - namely our clients. "It will take 24 hours for your SRF to link with your PTB access" one client repeated back to me that a staff member had said. I couldn't believe the client was smart enough to remember the terminology, and that the staff member was lofty enough to use the words outside the group that was "on the inside".
I have a different job now. Someone who joined recently said that it has been difficult for her to get used to the internal phrases and acronyms that are used in this business. Again, it separates the insiders from the outsiders. Oh, I realize that's not why the special languages are made. They evolve out of a need for short acronyms, or motivational speech. One person in influence coins a saying or uses a word in a new context, and those below grab hold. It's only for those within, and gives the group distinction. Not intentionally for the most part, but that is the result.
Don Miller writes: "I feel like I am constantly saying things I don't mean."... "I said to a guy the other day 'God bless you.' What does that mean? Then I started thinking about all the crap I say. All the cliches, all the parroted slogans. I have become an infomercial for God..."
In my search to define who I am, I wonder about this. I don't want to use words that separate me from others, just so I can feel accepted by a particular group. There is a pressure from within to say certain things to indicate an acceptable level of spirituality or 'witness'. If it doesn't come from inside me I don't want to lie. If it excludes those outside the Christianity circuit I don't want to use the language. After all, it's all rhetoric...all lingo.
That rhymes with Ringo and bingo. Under the B - 9.

...at Mario Kart. I have been playing that game with Matthew off and on for a few months, and rarely can I beat the kid. I'm starting to express to Matthew my inadequacy at the game, and I think he is starting to feel sorry for me. Today he was way ahead of me, and he said "You're going to win." I thought he was more insane than usual and told him he was soooooooooo wrong. He said it again, and told me he was going to give his player a rest while I played to catch up. I am ashamed to tell you that he had to stop playing for what was probably 2 minutes. That's alot to be behind him! But even then I wasn't close enough. I said I wouldn't be able to win even that way, and he said "Yes you will" as he stretched and laid back on the bed with his arms behind his bed. "I'll wait." Just as he saw me approach the finish line he picked up his remote, I saw him right at the edge of the line where he had been waiting all along. I got over there barely ahead of him, even though he still never moved.
I can hardly win even when he takes a nap.
But oh, when I do get him, you should hear the cackling. Whoa, I just found a website with Mario Kart gliches, tricks, codes and secrets. He's going down!

Yesterday Matthew and I watched Cheaper By the Dozen 2. I was one of those sucky parents who got misty eyed 4 times, trying to hide my shivering chin so that we wouldn't get embarrassed. I'm a suck.
It was about letting the kids grow up and make their own choices. During one scene Steve Martin was getting his daughter to pace out a distance for him. As she started walking he said "Those steps are too small". She wanted to ask his permission to go on her first date, and as she got up the courage he stopped mid-sentence. "Those steps are"..."Dad, can I go to the movie tonight?"..."too big". I knew what the writer were saying. When your child is small they need so much from you. Feeding, burping, changing, modelling speech, laughter. Baby steps. As they grow their steps become bigger and bigger. They used to have a hard time keeping up with you, but after a while they are striding ahead of you. They don't need you like they used to. It's a good thing, but scary at times.
I know I'll have a lot of things to deal with as Matthew grows and continues to form his own identity. Need I talk about puberty? As we grow together and apart, and his steps become bigger, I will still remember the first steps he took. It's a parent's privilege.

I love you Matthew. You are God's gift to me.

Last night at the stroke of midnight, as we wished each other God's love and sang Auld Lang Syne together, there were some misty eyes. I looked around at these friends with the knowledge that some of us were keenly aware it was only by God's grace that we were there...that we were even alive. I have been told of a crossroads in lives - things that changed people forever. As I thanked God for these people and their transparency in their journeys, I saw some of the purpose of God bringing us together.
We give willingly of our time and money every week to build a foundation that will reach people in a way that they are not currently being touched. It will be a long road to get there, and there are burdens and uncertainty along the way. But we slog it out. And last night I realized something. We are forming a community of people who are becoming vulnerable with each other. God is stretching his healing hand amongst us, touching each of us where we need it. We are sharing this path of woundedness and rejuvination with each other; we are having "church". As I sit right now and recall the looks on the faces through last night's concert and games and dancing and eating, I think that even if this is all that happens through 365 then the work is worth it. If it doesn't grow beyond this, God has met His purpose. He has knit together a group of misfits and is teaching them about Himself through their community.
Thank you to the dedicated people of 365.