be-musings

When I was looking for work last fall, my confidence was low. I had been out of the professional work force for a year and a half, and on a personal level was reconstructing myself from the ground up. I needed to get any work that was reasonable pay, but also thought the timing for re-evaluating what I wanted to do was perfect. I sought help from an Employment/Career Services agency.
During the self-evaluations and workshops, I would sometimes have difficulty not becoming emotional. I had lost the ability to dream, and the lack of confidence was shading my view of the ability to contribute well to a job. I hid my emotions but sometimes they were pressing hard to come out as tears. My counselor asked me "What is your dream for an occupation?" "What do you really want to do?" Those questions shouldn't have cut like a knife, but they did.
I secured a great job. One that is perfect for what I need and uses alot of my skills. We match contractors who have health issues with businesses who want to outsource some of their work. One woman was interviewing to join as a contractor, and I was in the room doing my administrative work. Our interviewer asked her "What do you want to do?" What is your dream?" As the woman responded, I heard in her voice the same emotion that was in mine only a couple months prior. She had been healthy, but then an accident left her with pain that was difficult to manage on some days. Way different, and way more difficult than what I had worked through. I felt for this woman, as I recognized that she too had her confidence knocked out of her, and didn't know where to go next. She knew what she used to do, but didn't know how to do it with her changes.
My life is not where I thought it would be if you had asked me years ago. I've had much happiness and much turmoil, as we all have. It has taken some turns that were not planned. But I'm at a good place. I am loved and I have family. I have a hopeful future.
Scott wrote about our upcoming marriage. It was a wonderfully insightful post. I count myself as incredibly fortunate to have him and what he brings to me. He always tells me that all he can bring to me is love and loyalty. But there is so much more.
He gives me the freedom to be me, without expectations. That's perhaps the best gift he could bring.

Saturday night after church Scott and I sat in the car in the parking lot of a gas station to talk before parting. After an hour, a cop car parked behind us and turned it's lights on. The policeman walked over to the car and asked some of the usual questions. "Have you been drinking? Do you have your license? He ID'd both of us, quizzed us to see if we knew the stats from our drivers license then took the ID back to the car to run them and our plates. I guess parking at a gas station is almost a crime. Another cop car came, they consulted, and the policeman strolled over to hand back our ID and left. I thought "How sad is that? Busted for sitting in a parking lot. That's the best I can do?"
On Sunday mom left for home. Going through the airport security booth, she set off the sensors. Nothing new. I watched through the doors as she was checked with the wand, and her belt ordered off. She went back through the booth. Set it off again. Off came the watch. Good, I figured, she was clear. She took a long time to get to the plane, and was virtually the last person on it. Apparently security wasn't satisfied with her checks, so they searched her purse that had gone through the belt. They emptied the pockets and still weren't satisfied. Finally, in a deep recess long forgotten, they found a half inch screw. The check person said in an accusing tone: "Weapons aren't allowed on board this aircraft". Busted for a screw. Well, they let her go, but good thing she didn't talk about skydiving on the week prior, or she would have been considered a threat for possible kamakazi actions.

Me!
In Matthew's report card, the teacher wrote that he should be watching French DVDs. I rarely rent DVDs (though I own some), so I've been looking on the French channel for after school or weekend cartoons. Man, that channel looks boring, because I haven't found any yet. Just interview shows and news. Not my thing, nor is it Matthew's. So I told the teacher today that I haven't been able to get him to watch any yet. "Watch French DVD's" she said again. I asked her if I have to go to the library to get them. She said "No, you select the French language on any DVD." DUNCE award to Annette for not figuring that out.
The other night mom and I watched The Pianist. It had Chinese subtitles through the whole thing, as it was "converted" in China. It also had English subtitles for the occasonal German speaking movie scenes. So, I tried to read the English through the Chinese. The next day Scott said "Why didn't you just turn the Chinese subtitles off? Double D (for dunce, not something else).

For those who have hung in there, checking for new or interesting posts, thanks for your patience. This past few weeks have been bsuy, with scattered thoughts. Some posts are half finished or I'm pondering. Until they make a full appearance, I have a couple jokes here for you.

Signs that you're having a bad day:

On a much earlier blog I talked about facing fears, and said "maybe I'll go sky diving". My mom beat me to it. Today, she accomplished something she desired to do since she was a teen. She jumped from a plane at 10,000 feet, hurtled toward the earth, and landed gently under a parachute. I, on the other hand, laid on a picnic bench looking up at the dot in the sky, complaining I was getting vertigo because I couldn't see the ground while looking up.
Many of us wouldn't have been as gutsy (or insane) as mom. That's what makes her vibrant.
Thanks mom for sharing your youthfulness with us.

Two blondes are walking down the street. One notices a compact on the sidewalk and leans down to pick it up. She opens it, looks in the mirror and says, "Hmm, this person looks familiar."
The second blonde says, "Here, let me see!" So the first blonde hands her the compact. The second one looks in the mirror and says, "You dummy, it's me!"

A blonde was bragging about her knowledge of state capitals. She proudly says, "Go ahead, ask me, I know all of them." A friend says, "OK, what's the capital of Wisconsin?"
The blonde replies, "Oh, that's easy: W."

I've had my share of disappointments with people, as all of us have. I've vented via conversation and at times via this blog site. Not always proud moments. I remember one time of intense frustration while visiting a church. The day didn't go well, and I was mad at the communication of some "types" of people. I told myself I wasn't going back to that church again.
Yet, two weeks later, I returned. Stupidity perhaps. As I sat in the congregation during the music, I was disgusted. I had come to know that there is blackness in the hearts of many people, and I almost twisted my mouth as I thought of the falseness. How could God stomach this?
I thought about that. As I did, what I saw and heard began to be shaded with a different brush stroke. "They are beautiful." "They are in worship of me, and I love them." My picture of Christians changed a bit at that moment. Perhaps I saw them as Christ does.
It's not done yet, this seeing things through His eyes. There is far to go, especially on days when I am in the muck of existence. But I hope that God moment comes back to my mind more and more. I need it for healing.

"Character is like a tree and reputation its shadow. The shadow is what we think it is; the tree is the real thing."

Abraham Lincoln