be-musings

O my soul, bless GOD. From head to toe, I'll bless his holy name!
O my soul, bless GOD, don't forget a single blessing!
He forgives your sins--every one.
He heals your diseases--every one.
He redeems you from hell--saves your life!
He crowns you with love and mercy--a paradise crown.
He wraps you in goodness--beauty eternal.
He renews your youth--you're always young in his presence.

He knows us inside and out, keeps in mind that we're made of mud.
Men and women don't live very long; like wildflowers they spring up and blossom,
But a storm snuffs them out just as quickly, leaving nothing to show they were here.
GOD's love, though, is ever and always, eternally present to all who fear him

Looks like a harmless thing right? Not in my house. Matthew loves this gag toy. For those who don't know how to use it, you invert the rubber dome, stand back and wait until it snaps high into the air with a loud noise. Whoever put a happy face on it had a sick sense of humour.
The other morning I got out of bed and almost stepped on it. Matthew had snuck into my room while I was sleeping and set it near me. I slept through that. Then when I was in the shower, he broke in and set it near the tub. From the other side of the curtain I couldn't see anything, just heard this "snap" noise. When typing he set it on the chair beside me. When bending to look into a cupboard he set it on my back and ran away.
Someone should ban this toy. But not me, because I think it's hilarious!

The following story might not be totally correct, but it's what I recall. And since mom doesn't have a blog site, it will hereto be known as gospel truth, because whatever is in print is only truth, right?
I come from a family of four children. We all bear different names, chosen for different reasons. The oldest two children are named after my parents and grandparents. Middle sister was named after a friend and my mom. Then I came along. After 4 kids I'm sure they had almost run out of traditions. So, my name was picked out of a baby book. Not named after anyone in particular. And to be honest, I consider myself the luckiest one.
People name their children for many reasons. Some for creativity. Some for tradition. Some for posterity. Those people have numbers in their name. Names bring hope and promise. Or shame.
When I was a teenager I wanted to change my name. All through school my co-students had a hard time spelling it correctly. Every Valentine's Day card was spelled either "Anete" or "Anet" or "Annete". I wasn't sure what I would pick or how to do it, but I gave alternate names serious thought. Why couldn't I shape my own universe that way?
Let me switch to a story from "Blue Like Jazz".
Donal Miller had trouble loving himself. He writes of a wonderful relationship he had with a girlfriend who loved him intensely. He said "I could not really thrive in the relationship because I could never believe her deeply when she expressed affection....There was nothing this girl could do to get through to me." He realized that in past relationships the inability to love himself made him more and more needy and clingy. He would paint imaginary scenarios in his mind about how they were perhaps wanting to leave the relationship or wonder why they didn't want to commit to marriage soon enough. He felt a pull in him because this woman said she loved him yet he second-guessed himself and her. He decided to talk to someone about it.
He told the counselor that he loved the woman so much that he had trouble eating and sleeping and thinking about anything else. He found relationships hard. He didn't want to run from this relationship, but he felt like "the meaning of life is riding on whether or not she likes me...whether or not she loves me."
The counselor said something that impacted him.
"...for some reason you are letting this girl name you.""You are letting her decide your value. Your love has to come from God, And God wants you to receive His love and to love yourself too."

I was raised in a fairly conservative church. Not by "worship style", but by lifestyle practise. Movies were frowned on (though I went on occasion). Oddly enough, being seen at the movie theatre was a problem for attenders, but going to it to see the Corrie Ten Boom movie was fine. The day the city's churches arranged a viewing on a Sunday afternoon I was afraid of who would see me there...it was hard to get used to the idea that the people I was afraid of running into were all with me in that "place of sin"! Drinking was frowned on, but some of the children of the church founders got drunk frequently. Dancing was not permitted, and I turned down a high school modelling job because it involved doing a country dance with a guy and I would have been embarrassed for the church members to see that. Plus, the outfit sucked that they wanted me to wear. Sex outside marriage was an absolute no-no, but a married prominent church member was having a sexual affair with a married woman inside the church. Years earlier a teen friend had become pregnant and a quick wedding was planned. That was set up in disaster, and much later a divorce occurred. It was not a perfect place, yet it preached against the sin of "the world" like it was barking at the front doors. It was within as well as without.
I grew up with restraints. I grew up uptight. I grew up with a feeling of superiority created by being in a group who believed they were right and those outside the group were wrong. Yeah, I knew I was a nerd, but I was a "right" nerd.
I'm reading part of a book "Blue Like Jazz". Let me quote some of what Donald Miller says there.
"The real issue in the Christian community was that it was conditional. You were loved, but if you had questions, questions about whether the Bible was true or whether America was a good country or whether last week's sermon was good, you were not so loved. You were loved in word, but there was, without question, a social commodity that was being withheld from you until you shaped up. By towing the party line you earned social dollars; by being yourself you did not. If you wanted to be valued, you became a clone. They are broad generalizations, and they are unfair, but that's what I was thinking..."
"...we had ethics, we had rules and laws and principles to judge each other against. There was love in Christian community, but it was conditional love. Sure, we called it unconditional, but it wasn't. There were bad people in the world and good people in the world. We were raised to believe this. If people were bad, we treated them as though they were either evil or charity: If they were bad and rich, they were evil. If they were bad and poor, they were charity. Christianity was always right; we were always looking down on everybody else. And I hated this. I hated it with a passion. Everything in my soul told me it was wrong. It felt, to me, as wrong as sin. I wanted to love everybody... I wanted people to like each other. Hatred seemed, to me, the product of ignorance. I was tired of Biblical ethic being used as a tool with which to judge people rather than heal them."

Check out how to fold a shirt. If you actually try it, I might label you as anal. Or a genius, depending if I try it too.

Someone I know is having a hard time with "church Christians". He doesn't have a hard time with work people. In fact, he finds that the non-Christians he works with exemplify Christianity more than most church Christians he has experienced over his lifetime.
He explained to me that his work buddies will help him out if in a jam, no questions asked. If he wants to talk they'll listen, but they won't ask him questions if he doesn't want to expound. They are content to just "be". For an example, he told me that if I needed to move immediately...say tonight, he could make one phone call and have 3 guys show up. He wouldn't need to tell them what or why, just where and when. No questions asked. He said that in his previous experience with Christians, in the same scenario he would be hard pressed to have the same thing happen. They would want to know what and why their help was needed. They would want to know what happened. They would perhaps mask it in "we want to know how to pray for the situation", but really they would just be nosy if all pretenses were to be removed. Then of course they would need to give advice.
That, he has found, is a basic difference. Christians always feel they have the "easy answers". He is glad that when he was in church circles he didn't find himself in situations where he had to come up with answers, because looking back he doesn't have many words to take back. Last winter I remember him saying that he no longer has easy answers like he once did.
My friend used to be actively involved in church. Near the end of his involvement he realized this was no longer for him, when sitting in a meeting discussing baptism. Seems pretty non-threatening. But during the meeting the authorities were trying to decide if a person was going to be allowed to be baptised. Not for lifestyle issues, but because they were deathly afraid of water and couldn't handle being immersed. They were requesting an alternate method be used. Another candidate was terminal in the hospital and requested baptism. They too could not be immersed. The panel was seriously considering the request of both people. My friend asked "What does it matter how it's done?" He was an advocate of immersion, but he saw the spirit of baptism eroded by the discussion in front of him. He saw that the mode rather than the intent was more important to too many people, and he was not one of them. That was a defining moment for him.
Someone I know refers to "the letter versus the spirit" of the law. Sometimes we get hung up in the how's of things and lose the why's. And we become so confident that we know the only way.
I had a neighbour who was raised Mennonite. From a strong, religious Mennonite upbringing, was this cussing, smoking, drinking trucker man. He had nothing to do with it when I saw him. But he showed me love and acceptance and that he would help with whatever I needed with no questions asked. He didn't have his act together by any means, but one day I told him that in my life he was the best example of a Christian that I had. By the way, he was probably the only non-Christian I hung out with at the time.
Here's a tidbit for you. We don't know everything. We don't know the mind of God all the time. We don't always interpret the Bible correctly. We snoop too much under the guise of holiness. We wage war in the name of God. No, I don't mean Ireland. I mean here, in ways that don't include bombs in the street. We split churches, as we shout at people and accuse of disobedience to God. We tell them they're going to hell for not listening to God's voice.
Are you sick yet? Are you mad at me for being "negative"? Listen, I've learned that I don't have the answers to all this. I know only one or two things. Jesus loves us and calls us to Him. We are to love as He loves us (like that's totally possible), and love our neighbour as ourselves.

Last week Matthew came in from outside, and told me to turn around. He dug in my pockets with his hands, which isn't that unusual. Then a moment later he told me he put surprises in them. I found that curious, and as I reached into the pockets I felt tiny bumps. As my hand came out, ladybugs were in them. He had put ladybugs in my back pockets! I dropped them in shock, of course.
Then we got in the car to go out. My heart raced as I saw a spider crawling on the side of my seat. It didn't live, poor spider. Matthew waited a moment not knowing I killed it, then said "I put a present on your seat mom, and you sat on it". I told him I saw it and it's dead. He told me he put two in the car. I never found a second one.
A couple days ago Matthew and I were in the car again and he told me he was worried that we haven't found the second spider yet. He said it was a mommy, and it would be building baby nests which would hatch and crawl all over us.
I don't think I'm ready for this part of having a son.

I've spent a lot of time on strengths, weaknesses, fears. I need to think about what I'm thankful for, and dreams. As I do, I know that the future will have pitfalls and I'm not an eternal optimist. Life will not always be rosy. I'm not confused about that. But I can put aside some of that more than I have been and focus on the good things.
What do I have to be thankful for? Hope itself. Not in anything specific, but realizing that in most things there can be something to be hopeful about.
God has given me abilities that I must learn to appreciate. I could begin to focus more on the attributes and not the drawbacks that come with them. God has given me family, for which I'm grateful. And he has given me sustenance through different phases in my life. He has been constant, as I permit Him to be. Maybe more accurately, as I keep my relationship and communication with Him open.
What do I dream of? To
- let go in stages...of the hold of the past/present.
- Joy. That's a big one. To feel the gift of laughter cruising through me on a regular basis.
- To nurture loved ones. I miss the ministry that happens in contact with others.
- To be active in music as an expression of my soul to God. Lose myself in its breath.
- To do something simple, like bring my camera more places.
These things aren't hard to do, nor do they demand time. It means a shift in outlook and attitude. Maybe I'm up for that...most days.

But when the kindness and love of God our Savior appeared, he saved us, not because of righteous things we had done, but because of his mercy. He saved us through the washing of rebirth and renewal by the Holy Spirit, whom he poured out on us generously through Jesus Christ our Savior...
(Titus 3:4-6)

Before I move on to thankfulness, hopes, and dreams let me write the following. It's from an email where a friend and I were writing about "how" to hope. This joins it midstream.

Cautious hope is barely hope at all. Hope that needs to have such parameters really is fear invading our future. We are afraid to dream, to let go of the past. Especially to let go of what may happen, because we've experienced bad things and know that bad things always happen in life.
We're like the kids in the playground, afraid to use the slide because we catapulted off the end and hurt ourselves bad a few times. Or avoiding bike riding with friends because we have repeatedly fallen and walked home with bleeding, sore knees. You have your own analogies. Afraid to trust, afraid to love, afraid to hope, afraid to let go. The deal is...its in our heads. We have let fear take its grip. Fear of the unknown is freaky. Fear of repetition of what we have seen or heard or experienced is paralyzing. But it becomes "safe" and comfortable in its familiarity. It is actually dangerous and killing us, but like the frog that can willingly be killed by slowly heating the water its in, we are numb to its effects. We don't see the death until it has taken us almost fully.

But we aren't cooked unless we let it happen. That's the difference between us and the frog. We can stop it, with Christ's strength. We don't need to leap out of the water and proclaim "it's a miracle!" A slow rousing will do. An awakening. Commitment.

After documenting strengths and weaknesses, I moved on to fears. This was a good step in realizing some things I need to let go of.
Fears:
Dreaming, hope, bleak public future, being labelled negatively, death of a family member.
Oh, I could go on longer about fears. I've talked about lack of control. I've come to realize that for me, is the basis of my fears. I can't dream because I can't make the dreams happen. The future looks bleak because people influence the future and their behaviour can't be predicted. Death of a family member is inevitable, but the timing and method of it is uncontrollable.
I know that Christ is the victor in everything and we are in Him. For now, I'm being honest about what is at the base of humankind. Those things we don't give utterance to but think about as we lay in bed in the dark.
So, with these fears in mind, what I need to give up has become so clear. They are:
preoccupation with the opinion of others about me or my life; worry; criticizing myself for not being "good enough" or as good as some others in anything; FEAR...of the past, the present, the future.
Let's leave it there for now. More later.

My hard drive is fixed, thank goodness. I have a confession to make though.
A couple weeks ago I thought "All these people I know have had their hard drives crash and lost files. Not me. I'm one of the "chosen" ones that the hard drives like." I considered making a disk of all my photos from the last year, but hadn't yet. Why hurry? My hard drive has never failed! Oooooooffff. They're all gone now, except what I had posted on my blogs.
Oh pride, bad pride. Now I'm part of the computer crash crowd. If you're not yet, don't hold your head too high. One day it will happen to you too. Sad day that will be, but when it does, you will join the throng.

Last week Matthew took apart a computer. He was very focused on it, all in tiny bits. It gave him something interesting to for a while. Putting back together? No way! Now he has decided to throw out the parts. His goal was to make a working robot. He thought the wires and computer chips would assemble nicely to make something animated with flashing lights and everything.
On a side note, my computer isn't working any more. Do you think they're related?

I said maybe I would blog about my weaknesses, so here goes. I'll keep the list short so that I don't get discouraged.
I can: focus on tasks rather than people; take criticism too much to heart; spend too much time second-guessing my actions or interpreting the actions of others; care too much about what people say or think.
The list may seem small, but when focused on it becomes weighty. How many times have you only seen these things in yourself...or whatever your list is...and let it affect you for weeks? We are really our own nemesis.
There is nothing wrong with knowing our shortcomings in order to have a realistic viewpoint of ourselves. It can help us to understand why we are experiencing some things in our lives, or how to avoid certain things. Some personal evaluation is important. The trouble begins when we don't stop there. We list our weaknesses without realizing the strengths associated.
I'm organized and have a strong work ethic, which is why tasks are important to me. I love people, which is why I frequently second-guess my actions or words. I hate conflict for the same reason.
Do you remember my post about the banker?
Let's turn this to you. Have you listed your strengths and weaknesses yet? Even just in your head? Think about the correlations between the two. You'll find them if you look.

I alluded to the fact that I have recently done more self-assessment, and some of it is due to recent work search and career planning assessments. What is it with adults and introspection? Is it my imagination, or are youth less occupied with compiling and reviewing their list of faults and worries. Do you remember when you were a youth? What were you like?
I was always aware that I wasn't cool. I was the kid who didn't play sports at lunch, or go to the smoke pit, or buy things from the corner store. I spent time with a singular friend, or called someone from the school phone (just to say that I missed them) or did homework in the library so that I didn't have so much to do that night. School wasn't for socializing, church was. I didn't dress cool, say cool things, didn't watch Rocky Horror Picture Show or Mr. Bill on Saturday Night Live (or whatever it was on). I'm still not cool. I'm very introspective, jovial, somewhat isolated. There are other things that I am, and those things are strengths.
I'm: organized, a trouble-shooter, self-aware, thoughtful of others, have a strong emphasis on integrity, have a heart for God's work with others, use praise and affirmation with others, have creative tendencies. I know that along with these traits I have many faults. They are pointed out to me or to others about me on a frequent basis. I remember them more than I remember the good things.
I might write my faults in a post. That will take courage...or insanity. For now, this step is important. Not for bragging, but for using in the beginning, middle and end of self-evaluation.
You see, I too easily get caught in what's wrong with me, and not what's right. I think about what I'm not doing rather than what I am. About the standard I have set for myself that I'm not achieving rather than celebrating where I am in relation to where I was. About how little education I have rather than the things I have learned. It's easy to talk about what we aren't. It can be perceived as negative ego to talk about what we are.
Join me in the self-confession of yours. It's not vain. It's healthy. It's important for your next step, whichever direction that it takes you.