be-musings

Many of us have these "inner children"...the ones who are afraid to trust or love or relax. The ones who are afraid of being hurt, of being left, of never being loved, of being chastised, of not being good enough for the one they so desperately need acceptance and affection from. And perhaps in many cases the person/people that our child is desperately approval from is the one/ones who never gave it in any tangible form. Yeah I know that's a no-brainer, but it is curious. And it arrests part of our development. It's from that context that I go on now. A few days ago I said: I've opened up to someone in my life; ripped open my skin, and shown the guts. And it hurts. I found an infant inside, crouched in the darkness. Someone who knows that she can't be fully loved because of fear.
This week with help I opened the door to the room my little girl was in. It's not the first time, as is obvious if you have read the post from a few days ago. But she was different this time. She was curious about the light coming in the room. Attracted to it. I could feel myself...the little one in me slowly leaning toward the light. The light was acceptance. She slowly moved out of the darkness and into the square of radiance on the floor. The acceptance coaxed her out more. At one point she was teetering near the door. You know the curiosity of a child? It was there. With coaxing, she stepped out the door, just barely, warming up in the light. Then fear pushed her back in again. But that didn't last. After hovering in what has been security for so many years, she wanted more of the light and came out again. This time longer. And as she retreated once more, she was holding out her hand desiring to not go back. But she wasn't strong enough, because she couldn't choose to live outside of what she has known for so many years. Instead she "needed" to protect herself in a cocoon. To allow other parts of a woman to grow around her, but to keep the essence of a self-preserving one who couldn't allow herself to be part of the adult universe where betrayal, disappointment, distrust, lying, posturing seem too prevalent for one who just wants to be free, to love, to laugh, to live passionately.
For a number of years I felt fragments but couldn't explain it. My recent experience and interpretation still escapes proper explanation or complete understanding, but intrinsically it makes sense to me. We all play different roles at different times. We compartmentalize our lives and our feelings. Pieces of us shatter off, like tiny shavings of glass, and instead of being cleaned up they lie next to each other. Together they make a whole, but yet they are not the whole. I sense that my pieces may be coming together again.
My girl has moved out of the corner and is looking at the door. Sometime she will once again move into the light, and this time choose to stay there. That will be a powerful day...an awakening.