be-musings

This has been a week of unusual moments. Some sad things are happening, with Amanda being hurt and Logan's mom expected to pass away soon. There have been moments of thinking Amanda would also very possibly be dead, and now there are some words of hope.
These kind of weeks make me feel a variety of things. Sad for sure. On Friday Matthew and I were talking about Amanda, which then led to talking about Len. Matthew said he misses Len and I told him we'll see Len again some day. Matthew asked how, since he is dead, and we talked about heaven. Not knowing for sure what form we will be in heaven, Matthew didn't understand how we will be able to know who Len is, especially since Matthew doesn't remember what he looks like. Tears were coming down my boy's face as we talked. I told him that I like it if he cries a bit about Len, because it says that he remembers him and loves him. I wanted to ask what he remembers, since Matthew was about 5 or 6 when he died, but I didn't really want to know. I was just happy that he cares. As I explained about people living on in the memories of those around them, Matthew thought I was slightly crazy. He doesn't yet understand how a person can live after they die, since they aren't physically here any more. One day he will understand.
At Bible Study we talked about Ecclesiastes. All is vanity. There is nothing new under the sun. Eat, drink and be merry, for tomorrow you die. We talked about where God is in the face of tragedy. We talked about faith, doubt and fears. We were reminded that we look to Christ and the New Covenant for our Hope. It wasn't heresy; it was searching and being vulnerable.
Church was so great Saturday night. A couple people participated by reading selections on joy (and somewhat about it's evasiveness sometimes). I was very moved when Sam stood up and read the piece Scott provided her. I knew she would be reading, but didn't know the content. As she began, the words flamed in my heart. I looked at Scott and said "I wrote this". He didn't remember; he had merely come across the file on the laptop. As I listened I remembered where I was and when I wrote it. I knew why. As Sam read it I thought "Wow, this sounds so long". I didn't know if it would be meaningful to anyone else, but it was to me. When Sam was done I stood up and talked about the piece. It was written at a time in my life when I realized I had to decide whether I was going to continue in despair or choose joy. To me, joy was a being, not just an emotion. She was someone I had to commit to instead of just bring in and out of my life. It wasn't an easy choice, because to live in self-pity or despair seemed easier. But I knew that path was destructive and a slow death of the soul. It hasn't always been easy to choose, but it has gotten easier.
Saturday night we also had communion. It's been 2 years since I've been at a service with communion, and I've missed it. It was such a contemplative time for the people there. One person had never seen communion, and it was very meaningful for him. He spent many hours that night thinking about the words spoken and the prayers uttered, and praying. God is working in him and it's an exciting thing to watch.
Times like this I feel the vibrancy of Christ and thankfulness for Him. I don't have all the answers to life's tough times, but I see His work in small wonders along the way. And sometimes the wonders are pretty big.