be-musings

Our house isn't as clean or organized as we usually like it right now. Things are strewn on different counters and chairs. Laundry has been cleaned and sits waiting to be put in its place, ready to be used again.
It isn't always like this, but it cycles. Sometimes we clean everything off and sort things and put stuff away. I like the way it looks when we do that. But it has to be done constantly in order to look the same, and really that isn't possible. We need to live in the space, and we get busy or unmotivated so things clutter again.
This week I talked with a friend about life and its struggles. He has had some the last few years, and there are even more that I don't know about from many years ago. I think we understood each other a bit even though we haven't really had much personal conversation.
I'm as messed up as you are, though maybe in different ways. I have given up thinking that I am a sane person surrounded by a sea of crazies. Anyone who thinks they have it all figured out and together is lying, self-deceived or...there's that crazy word popping into my head again. I have realized something while working through my struggles and growing in this adulthood. It's like my house.
When I look back over my lifetime I recognize things that shaped who I was, how I saw myself, and how I viewed the world. That's not an epiphany, for you can probably say the same thing. We are all shaped by our experiences, our families, church (if we go), surroundings. Sometimes we see that we need to grow and change in some areas, either coluntarily or involuntarily. I have recognized some of it and have made movement toward that. And sometimes I have made great effort to overcome some of the triggers which recreate memories or ways of thinking and feeling. I have tried to do my part in healing and standing, and walking forward. Many times I'm okay now. I can keep my house clean. But sometimes the cycle pops up again, because of thoughts, conversations, observations. Sometimes I get cluttered with the things I had hoped to be done with, as the cycle reoccurs.
But as I talked with my friend about this recurrence of my reaction to things that might get me down or frustrated, instead of being totally discouraged that I haven't grown up enough I was encouraged. I was able to see that even though I cycle, each time the tie gets weaker and each time my negative feelings aren't as strong. I don't know that some of these experiences and feelings will be totally gone. But maybe they will continue to diminish in strength and the times without them will be longer in between. I can hope for that.