be-musings

I've been thinking about bitterness and forgiveness over the past several months. It's hard for a person to go through a major change without having to grapple with things that they perhaps don't want to. Late spring last year I had a moment which remains clear in my memory. When thinking about some things I was struggling with, I asked God to remove the intensity of emotion. I didn't like what I was feeling. I told him I would rather not care than have the feelings of insecurity and frustration. Oh,it never worked of course. Maybe that's okay, because it's the things of the heart that make us compassionate toward each other. Biscotti once told me about bumping into others and smoothing the rough edges off each other. That's a bad, loose translation, and I think Erin should tell us what it really was. I didn't necessarily like hearing that, because that means it's okay for others to rub us raw, doesn't it? In my non-whiny mode I realize this can in fact be a good thing. But when the festering is happening all we can feel is the scrapes and pus. Ouch.
This summer our church took a break from meeting in a public place (because we had no place) and met in homes. We barbecued and talked and laughed. One of the things we talked about was bitterness and forgiveness. We talked about the hold that bitterness has on us, because we hang on to the things we shouldn't by pouting, claiming we're hard done by, sometimes in an effort to control people or situations. In the meantime, it's the event that controls us because we won't let it go. And we can't let go sometimes until we become sick beyond sick.
I have steadily realized that releasing this is something I need to do on a personal level and perhaps sometimes we need to do on a corporate level. Not a fake thing where we make people do it or appeal to their wacky emotions, but a real thing that lifts the weight of what we are carrying. This is my prayer for myself.
I don't totally know how to do this, and with some memories I'm not willing to yet. That's me being honest. I hold to some things to protect myself from a repeat occurrence...it's tough to do that without letting it be a stone tied to my foot as I try to swim. I don't know yet how to balance that, but it will come.
I have learned some things about caring for those whom I might not have wanted to care for. Prayer is a good step in that it softens my heart toward what God would teach me about myself and others.
This path isn't figured out yet, but I think that it will pay off if it gets figured out. I don't expect to really get to the end anytime soon, but hope that I will grow in forgiveness and grace.


Forgiveness, not anger, after Amish school massacre.