Saturday, October 07, 2006
In Whatever State I Am
This Thanksgiving is special for me. I have had a couple hard years and am finding my rhythm in life. It might be a jarring motion and perhaps the movement seems a bit "quirky" or out of step, like the spindle on the chair Erin is restoring. I accept that I am not normal.
Years ago I looked at life around me and thought I was the only normal one, and that most everyone else was weird. I have come to accept that I am unique. But I think that's no different than all of us. Unique...created by Him to be that way.
I have come to accept most of my limitations, my weaknesses, and my passionate manner. I hide my passion in so many ways. Not as overt as others. Not as driven for a cause. But driven to my own ideas, ideals, and standards.
There have been many hard times in my life. You can identify. Dead is the man or woman who has no struggle, for life is about the pull of existence and the path to the Creator. One way or another the soul one day identifies that which it has been avoiding or that which it has been running toward.
I remember happy Thanksgivings and painful ones. Times with friends and family, yet moments of sheer loneliness and inner death. Yes, you know because you have that too.
I'm preparing for tonight's dinner with loved ones. The ones who will be here are different than who I have been with before. The friends are newer, the family very new. It's a happy home today as on all days. Laughing, music, activity. Mine is not a sedentary life, with more people and a bigger house and a puppy. My life is full. My life is good.
Over the years and the hopes and the disappointments and the turmoil and the wish for a second child and asking God why about many things several times, I have learned one thing. That even in misery there is still something to be thankful for. Sometimes I had to go to the basics of existence, even when I perhaps wished existence was snuffed out. I was thankful for family even though I missed some of them. Thankful for what God has taught, through the joy and even the pain. Not for the pain, but for the outcome.
I have learned that in whatever state I am, to give thanks. Sounds pious but it isn't. Sounds unrealistic and difficult and it is. Sometimes I was too much of a baby to do it at the times I should. I haven't perfected it. But I have learned that I haven't arrived and I'm okay with that.
This Thanksgiving I wish you life. In your depths, in your love, in your wish to remove yourself from the pain of this moment of living, in your hopes. I wish you life. It will come.
Years ago I looked at life around me and thought I was the only normal one, and that most everyone else was weird. I have come to accept that I am unique. But I think that's no different than all of us. Unique...created by Him to be that way.
I have come to accept most of my limitations, my weaknesses, and my passionate manner. I hide my passion in so many ways. Not as overt as others. Not as driven for a cause. But driven to my own ideas, ideals, and standards.
There have been many hard times in my life. You can identify. Dead is the man or woman who has no struggle, for life is about the pull of existence and the path to the Creator. One way or another the soul one day identifies that which it has been avoiding or that which it has been running toward.
I remember happy Thanksgivings and painful ones. Times with friends and family, yet moments of sheer loneliness and inner death. Yes, you know because you have that too.
I'm preparing for tonight's dinner with loved ones. The ones who will be here are different than who I have been with before. The friends are newer, the family very new. It's a happy home today as on all days. Laughing, music, activity. Mine is not a sedentary life, with more people and a bigger house and a puppy. My life is full. My life is good.
Over the years and the hopes and the disappointments and the turmoil and the wish for a second child and asking God why about many things several times, I have learned one thing. That even in misery there is still something to be thankful for. Sometimes I had to go to the basics of existence, even when I perhaps wished existence was snuffed out. I was thankful for family even though I missed some of them. Thankful for what God has taught, through the joy and even the pain. Not for the pain, but for the outcome.
I have learned that in whatever state I am, to give thanks. Sounds pious but it isn't. Sounds unrealistic and difficult and it is. Sometimes I was too much of a baby to do it at the times I should. I haven't perfected it. But I have learned that I haven't arrived and I'm okay with that.
This Thanksgiving I wish you life. In your depths, in your love, in your wish to remove yourself from the pain of this moment of living, in your hopes. I wish you life. It will come.
// posted by Annette @ 2:25 p.m. 
