Sunday, February 05, 2006
Scrambled
I have tried to write 3 blogs tonight, but erased them all. Nothing controversial, nothing weird. Just not coming out right. I know that I haven't written much lately. That might mean less people read this site. I don't look at the numbers any more; that's not why I'm writing, so I need to let it go.
If you're patient, the posts will come out. Hopefully in the right time. Hopefully in the right way. Let me try again.
When I wrote the post about Joy, it was difficult for me. I read it to Scott over the phone to make sure it wasn't too weird to publish. He was speachless for a moment (a rare occasion, if you know him). He asked me to read it at church that week. I said a polite no. It was a vague no, but that's what I meant. He said he would give me a while to think about it. I still said no later that week. I justified it by saying that most people there read or have access to my blog posts, so they didn't need to review it again by hearing me read it. Maybe he won't ask me again, because hopefully it will no longer fit in with his message theme.
We've been talking about joy and self-worth. Many feel beaten up by a variety of life things, and we're tired. We are realizing that we can't simply wait for joy and hope. We need to give in to it.
A year ago, as I laid in my bed early one morning, I thought of where I had come from and where I was at that moment. I had known true joy, but not lasting joy. Some people might say it wasn't true then, but I don't know that I would agree. When you experience it, you remember it because at first it feels foreign. While in contemplation, I knew that Joy was far away from me, yet within my reach. I couldn't give in to her though, because there was too much misery to sort through.
I knew that day that to have Joy was a choice. I knew I couldn't make that choice, because I was too deep in cynicism and despair. There was no room.
At that time I wrote the imagery in my head; the words seemed to be a powerful personal description of the clear "vision" that was truth to me. They were never drafted on paper.
A few times I have considered blogging my story, but never felt the time was right. Sometimes I thought about writing that post at certain times to encourage some of my friends. That never felt like the right thing to do, because I knew I had to live it first. I couldn't write something that I couldn't do. I realized that the reason for withholding is because I still was not ready to fully give in. There was no clue as to how long this would take.
Then a few of us started to talk about living in joy and having hope for the future. We are tired of being discouraged and beat up. We want to deal with our stuff and walk with God and whine a little less. I needed to hear that. I need to know that I wasn't the only one. I thought about Joy again. She was still waiting. There was a choice to be made. That's when I wrote down what had stayed in my head for this last year. It was time. If not for you, then only for me.
If you're patient, the posts will come out. Hopefully in the right time. Hopefully in the right way. Let me try again.
When I wrote the post about Joy, it was difficult for me. I read it to Scott over the phone to make sure it wasn't too weird to publish. He was speachless for a moment (a rare occasion, if you know him). He asked me to read it at church that week. I said a polite no. It was a vague no, but that's what I meant. He said he would give me a while to think about it. I still said no later that week. I justified it by saying that most people there read or have access to my blog posts, so they didn't need to review it again by hearing me read it. Maybe he won't ask me again, because hopefully it will no longer fit in with his message theme.
We've been talking about joy and self-worth. Many feel beaten up by a variety of life things, and we're tired. We are realizing that we can't simply wait for joy and hope. We need to give in to it.
A year ago, as I laid in my bed early one morning, I thought of where I had come from and where I was at that moment. I had known true joy, but not lasting joy. Some people might say it wasn't true then, but I don't know that I would agree. When you experience it, you remember it because at first it feels foreign. While in contemplation, I knew that Joy was far away from me, yet within my reach. I couldn't give in to her though, because there was too much misery to sort through.
I knew that day that to have Joy was a choice. I knew I couldn't make that choice, because I was too deep in cynicism and despair. There was no room.
At that time I wrote the imagery in my head; the words seemed to be a powerful personal description of the clear "vision" that was truth to me. They were never drafted on paper.
A few times I have considered blogging my story, but never felt the time was right. Sometimes I thought about writing that post at certain times to encourage some of my friends. That never felt like the right thing to do, because I knew I had to live it first. I couldn't write something that I couldn't do. I realized that the reason for withholding is because I still was not ready to fully give in. There was no clue as to how long this would take.
Then a few of us started to talk about living in joy and having hope for the future. We are tired of being discouraged and beat up. We want to deal with our stuff and walk with God and whine a little less. I needed to hear that. I need to know that I wasn't the only one. I thought about Joy again. She was still waiting. There was a choice to be made. That's when I wrote down what had stayed in my head for this last year. It was time. If not for you, then only for me.
// posted by Annette @ 11:38 p.m. 