Wednesday, November 09, 2005

The Precipice

It is hard to write at times. I desire to encourage, lift up, provide insight, provoke thought, instill belief in grace, and challenge selfish tendencies. At times I’m speechless because the information in my brain has short-circuited. This has been such a time. I can’t reveal what I’m thinking because the thoughts are random and chaotic. Nothing is completely formed before it leaves me. I’ll write anyway tonight, because that’s what we bloggers do.
I’ve been giving some thought to faith and doubt. This isn’t a new thing for me. At different times I ask myself “What if I’m wrong about my belief in God?” Many people in the world are sold out for their religious beliefs. Many groups believe they have a faith that is unique to the faith of other groups. How can I truly assure myself that they are all wrong and I am all right? They have their holy books and so do I.
Years ago I really asked myself a lot of questions about this. It was sparked by the selfish pity trip that God didn’t intervene enough in life to really prove He was there. I was able to recount incidents that were painful for either me or someone I really cared about. When I looked at that, I threw a hissy fit and decided I couldn’t say God had a hand in anyone’s life. It led me to wonder if I believed a cultural misnomer. Gee, I hope I used that word correctly. Don’t ask me to use it in a sentence!
I talked with my pastor, and told him how I was feeling. He totally understood. That surprised me. It’s not something you expect from a pastor.
I knew that I had to reach a decision, and for me that decision couldn’t be based on feeling. I needed to research the basics of my faith. I turned to “The Case for Christ” by Lee Strobel. It wasn’t light reading. I spent a number of nights reading the book, not talking about it with anyone, just letting the words sink in and God talk to me. I knew I had to make a choice, to believe that everything I had thought since 12 years old was either nonsense, or that at least the basics of it was total truth. I came to the latter conclusion. This has lasted me for a number of years.
I have to be honest. Sometimes I still wonder if I think the right things. One part of me has this strong conviction and another part of me (the discouraged part) wonders. What if I’m wrong? I’m not asking for examples of Bible absolutes or physical evidences of Christ. I know a lot of them, intellectually and emotionally. I’m now asking the “what if” question? The one that you get when you strip away all that you have been taught and seen from the perspective of your own convictions. When you step outside yourself and your own biases. What if?
Here’s what it comes down to for me. I’m going to quote the singer Evie…don’t laugh at how dated that makes me.
“If heaven never was promised to me,
Neither God’s promise to live eternally;
It’s been great just having the Lord in my life,
Living in a world of darkness He brought me the light.”



If I’m wrong, then what have I lost? How have I benefited? If I’m right, what have I gained? What have I given up? The answers come easily to me. You might have your own answers. When it’s all stripped away, those questions remain. And so, once again I make my choice on this precipice.

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