be-musings

At church a couple weeks ago, Scott talked about Peter getting out of the boat and walking on the water to see Jesus. I've heard this illustration expounded on many times. Usually it starts as such a grand story of the belief and faith of one man. Then in sermons it often turn to theorizing about why Peter sank after he had so successfully walked a miracle. After he had walked where Jesus had.
It's easy to observe or speculate that Peter took his eyes off Jesus and onto his own precarious situation. It's easy to speculate that Peter freaked out at defying the laws of nature and that it affected what happened next. It's easy to speculate that he didn't have the faith it took to go all the way.
Scott pointed out that when Peter was on the water, there were 11 others in the boat. 11 others who probably had an opinion about what the crazy guy was doing. Had an opinion about what he should or shouldn't do next. It's enough numbers for a small moral majority, church board, or management meeting. A boat of advisors, and not doers. I see myself in that boat.
When I'm afraid to try something I can so easily inspect it from different angles. Ask the opinions of others. Stall by focusing on something else that I justify as having priority while still pontificating and contemplating that which really is demanding my attention and my nervousness. I can be full of ideas, advice, opinions. I can advise on where Peter should put his foot next, but not clear the sides of the boat myself. I become one of the people participating in the theorizing rather than stepping out and leading where we...I...should go.
Where are you? Are you a boat-sitter too? Maybe we should rock it. Maybe God needs to tip us over (oh gad, not again) so that we spill out and have to make a choice.
Why do I say "us"? Maybe I should take my place beside Peter, whether I fall through or whether I walk all the way to Jesus. It's crowded in the boat anyways.

Is there anyplace I can go to avoid your Spirit?
to be out of your sight?
If I climb to the sky, you're there!
If I go underground, you're there!
If I flew on morning's wings to the far western horizon,
You'd find me in a minute--
you're already there waiting!
Then I said to myself, "Oh, he even sees me in the dark!
At night I'm immersed in the light!"
It's a fact: darkness isn't dark to you;
night and day, darkness and light, they're all the same to you.
(Psalm 139:7-12)

Matthew can be demanding, as are most children. He doesn't seem to understand that me being on the phone means he should not be talking to me at the same time. He just knows he wants something, and he needs to express it right now. That's like the self-centred prayer. "God, I'm upset about this and I really need to ask you to get it for me. I can't stop thinking about it." Maybe God needs us to remember the house rules. Are you allowed to have it? Is it healthy for you to have? Is there a way you can get it for yourself? Then go for it.
Besides individual prayer, we know that there is also group prayer. It is something that bonds people together in caring for each other and in common purpose. In my life, group prayer has been a time of basking in God's presence. I personally have also experienced the healing power of God during group prayer and "laying on of hands." It is something I strongly believe in. However, I seem to be too attention deficit to be a real "prayer warrior" in terms of how many hours I spend with groups in prayer. For me, prayer is an attitude and God is my companion. I spend times thinking only of Him and conversing with Him as I do different functions throughout the day.
I remember a woman from the church I attended in youth. She would talk about something God revealed to her after "only 2 hours in prayer". She meant 2 hours straight! Some people really can do that kind of thing. I would be dream praying by then.
God gets that we don't all have the capacity to be like that woman. The form isn't important. What's important is that whatever form we use, in our expressive moments with God we need to be honest, vulnerable and willing to be intimately involved with Him.

When I was 19 I was in Bible School for a year. It was a half day school that met in a church. I made some great friends there, and met lots of interesting characters. One of them was Adam (not his real name). One day during pre-school group prayer Adam, on his knees with pants slouched down and butt crack showing, shouted "God help me with these feelings of lust for my girlfriend!" The girlfriend beside him muttered a quiet "Yes Lord".
Well, that's just the comedic part. Adam was sincere in his request, and expressing it to God was the right thing to do. Also, a very embarrassing thing, as it spread around the school before first break. It made a lasting memory for some of us.
What is prayer about? Christians aren't the only ones to practise some form of conversation, speaking to, chanting about a higher power. Is it meant for our community and our hearts, or is it meant to sway God?
This past week Lori posted some thoughts and questions that show deep introspection and exploration of ideas that were brave to talk about. What's wrong with asking tough questions rather than solely relying on a public teaching? Both approaches are valid, for different personality types. Or maybe more accurately, for different stages of life experience.
I believe in community and individual prayer. They seem to me to have two different purposes. From here in I will not qualify what I say by using the words "I think". Just insert "I think" or "To me" as you read, in order to save me typing, okay?
Individual prayer is my way of staying in contact with God, as my best friend, companion, provider, deity, etc. It builds my relationship with God. Rarely do I hear an audible reply or miraculous response. Most of my prayers seem unanswered, or answered with "no", judging by circumstances over the years. I have begun to migrate away from asking God for specific material things and asking for big picture things instead. "Help me to give myself to You"..."I want to turn to You instead of inside me when things hurt". You get the picture. Sure, I still have prayed that I would find the right job in the best possible timing. I am not devoid of that teaching or that kind of prayer. But as I pray it I know things go where they go and I might not find work (for example) for a long time. I have to think that it isn't God's design to answer our prayers the way we see fit. I can't balance the experience of other faithful Christians who have prayed and served and look like they get the shaft when it comes to being able to feed their kids properly or find a decent place to live or not have yet another member of their family die. Sometimes, to be honest I think our prayers are shallow and too temporal based. They are about what we can get or do or be rather than matters of the heart. They are about attaining...the right coloured roof, the perfect boyfriend that you just met, the right college for the kids.
Honestly, sometimes too much of prayer is about formula. Pray a certain way and you will receive _______________. You fill in the blank. The Lord's prayer is a formula, but not one for prosperity. It's an example (more accurately) used to show insecure people how to relate to God when praying. Most of it is purely relational, recognizing the awesomeness of God and keeping our heart relationship good with Him. Being honest and open. One line in the whole thing talks about physical sustenance. Many of the prayers I hear at Bible studies don't follow that format.
Could it be that over the years many of us have forgotten or not been taught about the relationship of prayer? That we have relied, in this fast-paced ego-centric society, on quick fix prayers? That our prayers have more of "I" in it than "You"? Am I the only one who has been guilty of this?

I took Matthew and his bike to a skateboard park, as I had the prior day. In that 24 hours he had improved significantly and picked up on some tips I had given him. At one point yesterday he decided that it would be a great stunt to go down one of the slopes...backwards. You can picture the back tire swinging around and the front tire turning, and Matthew ending up sideways on the pavement. Not hurt; wasn't going fast. He picked himself up and continued on. A couple other close calls, lots of fun, and we headed out of the park. As I put his bike in the car he whispered to himself "Backwards isn't a good way". Like it was his own tip to remember for the next time. We had a good laugh together about a couple of the other wipeouts.
At lunch later, there was one slice of cheese left. We both eyed it like hawks, watching the other person's movements. He reached for it, and I made a gutteral noise while grabbing his hand. We pretend-wrestled over it, and I let Matthew win. Then he put it right back, asking me to simulate everything again, exactly as it happened before. We did, but this time I added a twist. At the end of the simulation I had the back of Matthew's hand in the palm of mine. I put it to my mouth and took a bite out of the cheese that he was holding. Hilarious! That shocked him! He yelled "Mom!", threw the cheese at me, it bounced off me, fell into my soup, which splashed onto my white shirt. Although Matthew and I were both laughing, he also seemed upset. Could have been that I accidentally bit his finger along with the cheese. I asked Matthew if he was mad about me biting him. His response? No mom...how could you eat the last piece of cheese?

It is hard to write at times. I desire to encourage, lift up, provide insight, provoke thought, instill belief in grace, and challenge selfish tendencies. At times I’m speechless because the information in my brain has short-circuited. This has been such a time. I can’t reveal what I’m thinking because the thoughts are random and chaotic. Nothing is completely formed before it leaves me. I’ll write anyway tonight, because that’s what we bloggers do.
I’ve been giving some thought to faith and doubt. This isn’t a new thing for me. At different times I ask myself “What if I’m wrong about my belief in God?” Many people in the world are sold out for their religious beliefs. Many groups believe they have a faith that is unique to the faith of other groups. How can I truly assure myself that they are all wrong and I am all right? They have their holy books and so do I.
Years ago I really asked myself a lot of questions about this. It was sparked by the selfish pity trip that God didn’t intervene enough in life to really prove He was there. I was able to recount incidents that were painful for either me or someone I really cared about. When I looked at that, I threw a hissy fit and decided I couldn’t say God had a hand in anyone’s life. It led me to wonder if I believed a cultural misnomer. Gee, I hope I used that word correctly. Don’t ask me to use it in a sentence!
I talked with my pastor, and told him how I was feeling. He totally understood. That surprised me. It’s not something you expect from a pastor.
I knew that I had to reach a decision, and for me that decision couldn’t be based on feeling. I needed to research the basics of my faith. I turned to “The Case for Christ” by Lee Strobel. It wasn’t light reading. I spent a number of nights reading the book, not talking about it with anyone, just letting the words sink in and God talk to me. I knew I had to make a choice, to believe that everything I had thought since 12 years old was either nonsense, or that at least the basics of it was total truth. I came to the latter conclusion. This has lasted me for a number of years.
I have to be honest. Sometimes I still wonder if I think the right things. One part of me has this strong conviction and another part of me (the discouraged part) wonders. What if I’m wrong? I’m not asking for examples of Bible absolutes or physical evidences of Christ. I know a lot of them, intellectually and emotionally. I’m now asking the “what if” question? The one that you get when you strip away all that you have been taught and seen from the perspective of your own convictions. When you step outside yourself and your own biases. What if?
Here’s what it comes down to for me. I’m going to quote the singer Evie…don’t laugh at how dated that makes me.
“If heaven never was promised to me,
Neither God’s promise to live eternally;
It’s been great just having the Lord in my life,
Living in a world of darkness He brought me the light.”


If I’m wrong, then what have I lost? How have I benefited? If I’m right, what have I gained? What have I given up? The answers come easily to me. You might have your own answers. When it’s all stripped away, those questions remain. And so, once again I make my choice on this precipice.

I'm cooking supper right now, and just checked on Matthew in his room to see if he was bored or busy. He said "I'm not bored, I'm busy setting up booby traps". Darn that Home Alone movie series. I said "I'm not going to get hurt by them, am I?" He said "no"...then a pause..."not too much". What does that mean??????
The other day I was remembering something from almost 3 years ago. The family travelled to see friends, and when we all driving around together we were thinking of all the Bob names we had heard of. You know - Bob Hope, Robert Goulet, Bob Dylan. I thought Matthew was in lala land, as he was quite young. Surprisingly, out of the far back seat came his squeaky voice: "Bob the Tomatoe". That still makes me laugh today.

So many times we fear authority figures even if we know they are not harmful to us. Take, for instance, the policeman. When we drive past one we check our speedometer, because we don't want a speeding ticket. But when we're vandalized the policeman is our rescuer.
When I was a manager I would have private office conversations with my staff all the time. We would meet weekly, and some of them daily. They were happy if they initiated the meeting, but if I came by them and asked them to meet in my office, they were scared. They wracked their brain to see what they may have done wrong. It was usually to tell them that they were reimbursed for some expenses, or give them a client compliment, or follow up on a previous conversation, or just build a relationship with them. Very rarely were they "in trouble". But there was just something about "the authority figure" wanting to talk with them. You know, the many times that my manager called me into her office I often felt the same thing. Usually it was to ask for my help on a computer program. No big deal. But it seemed hard to remember that the next time her tone was serious as she called me in.
In the Old Testament, priests went into the Holy of Holies once a year (if I remember that correctly). They went on behalf of the Jewish nation. It was an amazing, but scary experience. He had to go through intense purification rituals first, because no unclean thing was allowed. He also had bells tied onto him so that once he went into the inner sanctuary alone, people outside could hear if he was still moving...a.k.a.: still alive. He had a rope tied to his leg, so that if he was smitten (a.k.a.: killed) he could be pulled out. No one was allowed to go in to get him. How's that for a scary way to meet God?
I think of prayer and our relationship with God. Jesus became our high priest. He was our purification sacrifice. He gave himself in every way, to us and to God. He has made it so that we are able to come before God every day, not just once a year. He represents us, as we bring Him with us. Because of this we "come boldly before the throne of grace". No need to fear. Nothing too scary. He wants to build the relationship.

Halloween might quickly turn into my favorite family celebration. It will be easy to figure out why in the next story.
While driving home from trick or treating Matthew was checking out his candy. As he did, he was heard to say "You can have this one and this one and that one too." He kept passing handfuls to me. Right on! Matthew said "I like sharing my candy with you. I give you all the ones I don't like." Fine by me, as long as they are chocolate.

Yeah, yeah, I replaced the shared candies with some that I didn't hand out to neighbourhood kids. I'm not THAT bad!