Sunday, September 25, 2005
Person Under Construction
I have attempted to write many posts this last month, and deleted a number of them. I had to examine if they fit my vision for this blog site. Did they fit my own etiquette rules? You probably already remember me querying in some of my blogs about these things. So, stuff doesn't get published and that's really okay. I talk to friends about that stuff, or write it privately for my own self.
There is another reason why some stuff doesn't get published, or some blogs are rewritten. Everything I write is done with the knowledge that some people will read with an exaggerative interpretation. Or they'll email/call their friends to speculate about what they think is meant. So, sometimes I water down or delete. My motivation is in part to be clear about what I'm saying so that I can't be further criticized for something that is said or not said. But then I come to the realization that criticism happens regardless, and what I say may be taken different ways by various readers. The mood of the journaling may be interpreted in two opposing ways. It leads me to a conclusion. I can't perform a "Vulcan mind-meld" to help people understand what I'm writing, but I can let the possible interpretations affect me less than I do. Maybe I actually can't, because I just considered deleting that in case it was misunderstood.
If you know me you realize that I am a person who considers the feelings and thoughts of others to the N-th degree. You may not think so, but the wheels are always turning about that stuff. Do you remember the hamster? It's about to have a heart attack now. Been working overtime this month. Funny thing about the hamster. Just when you think it's about to die, it somehow gets a second life. Almost possessed, is the hamster. I know you understand what I'm talking about.
It's time for me to work on myself again...still. Not to give up on other responsibilities or relationships while doing it. Contrarily, to enhance who I am through those relationships. Adverse to that, to loosen the grip of destruction caused by yet others. Not to give up on the people, but not to be affected as easily. I remember saying to one of my employees years ago that the person she was blaming for hurting her was not really the one who was responsible, even though the other person had wronged her. She was causing the anxiety herself by being preoccupy with the anger of the situation and how she was treated. That power was wielded because she enabled it to be wielded.
I haven't figured out how to apply all this in my own life. I haven't learned the "screw you" mentality. I probably never will, because tender and sensitive is what I want to be. I'm looking to learn how to be that without feeling every person's disappointment, every person's criticism. I'm thinking of someone right now who might share this hope for themselves with me.
So, for now I'll be writing with all these things going around my brain. I'll be tearing down some walls, but probably not all the way yet. Maybe just make them into cut-away walls first. You know the kind - a kitchen hole to pass the food through.
There is another reason why some stuff doesn't get published, or some blogs are rewritten. Everything I write is done with the knowledge that some people will read with an exaggerative interpretation. Or they'll email/call their friends to speculate about what they think is meant. So, sometimes I water down or delete. My motivation is in part to be clear about what I'm saying so that I can't be further criticized for something that is said or not said. But then I come to the realization that criticism happens regardless, and what I say may be taken different ways by various readers. The mood of the journaling may be interpreted in two opposing ways. It leads me to a conclusion. I can't perform a "Vulcan mind-meld" to help people understand what I'm writing, but I can let the possible interpretations affect me less than I do. Maybe I actually can't, because I just considered deleting that in case it was misunderstood.
If you know me you realize that I am a person who considers the feelings and thoughts of others to the N-th degree. You may not think so, but the wheels are always turning about that stuff. Do you remember the hamster? It's about to have a heart attack now. Been working overtime this month. Funny thing about the hamster. Just when you think it's about to die, it somehow gets a second life. Almost possessed, is the hamster. I know you understand what I'm talking about.
It's time for me to work on myself again...still. Not to give up on other responsibilities or relationships while doing it. Contrarily, to enhance who I am through those relationships. Adverse to that, to loosen the grip of destruction caused by yet others. Not to give up on the people, but not to be affected as easily. I remember saying to one of my employees years ago that the person she was blaming for hurting her was not really the one who was responsible, even though the other person had wronged her. She was causing the anxiety herself by being preoccupy with the anger of the situation and how she was treated. That power was wielded because she enabled it to be wielded.
I haven't figured out how to apply all this in my own life. I haven't learned the "screw you" mentality. I probably never will, because tender and sensitive is what I want to be. I'm looking to learn how to be that without feeling every person's disappointment, every person's criticism. I'm thinking of someone right now who might share this hope for themselves with me.
So, for now I'll be writing with all these things going around my brain. I'll be tearing down some walls, but probably not all the way yet. Maybe just make them into cut-away walls first. You know the kind - a kitchen hole to pass the food through.
// posted by Annette @ 9:26 p.m. 