Sunday, August 28, 2005
You might never read my blog again
A scene rang true from last night's movie. It's about an inter-racial relationship and reverse discrimination. In that scene the African American woman was talking to her dad about her Caucasian fiance's former boss. She said something like this: "He's not a nice man. Well, he talks nice daddy. It's hard to say...it's just something in the look his eyes."
I've seen what she's talking about. Those who talk like they're interested in you or they think you're okay, but you can see in their eyes that they are lying. That they are judging you. In her case for being a black woman with a white man. In my case...you fill in what you want there.
I have come to hate church. Yes, these two things are related. I love God, His word, worshipping in music. At home I pray, read the Bible, talk with fellow Christians. But I hate going to church. It seems that these days I can't go to anything nearby, other than the monastery. Let me rephrase. I can't go to any church that is of the type to feed my soul. I can go through the motions out of responsibility or guilt. You know I'm good at guilt. But I figure I can get at least one thing out of any service because I love God. Yet everywhere I turn (except the monastery) I encounter someone who stares that knows "of me". Or "just has to ask me" about stuff, while bearing an accusational tone. What a wide swath these sins of gossip and lies cut. Strangely, they seems to bear so much more negative consequence than say....adultery. They impact so many people.
Today I went to a church that I thought would be safe. I came home crying so badly while driving, that I hid my face and muffled my sounds so that Matthew wouldn't know. Not because it's wrong for him to see emotions, but because this battle is mine not his. He would try to protect me, which is not something a child should have to do.
I am rapidly coming to a conclusion which has been solidifying for a few months. God help the Christian who is perceived to be in sin, even without substantiation. There is fervoured spreading of the rumour of such perceived sin. I constantly feel the sting of judgement for something I have not done, yet the lies and slander continue.
Maybe this is all I can write for now. Even this is more than I am comfortable saying. Even this blog has had to be re-written at parts because of the nay-sayers who will look for "evidence" of something that isn't there. Some of you who are of that description are tuning in to do "research" or look for confessions or smile at my misery. That isn't the heart of Christ. Only those who are portraying Christ are welcome here.
For those who may be disappointed with this post, I'm sorry. I have held back, but have published parts of it. Not that my life will change because of it. Those who love me hopefully still will. Those who say negative things about me certainly still will. But I am still naive enough in many things in life to hope that maybe just one person, even one who knows nothing of my circumstances, will commit to reducing this kind of crap by being responsive to a person who needs it. That someone will choose not to pass judgement.
I've seen what she's talking about. Those who talk like they're interested in you or they think you're okay, but you can see in their eyes that they are lying. That they are judging you. In her case for being a black woman with a white man. In my case...you fill in what you want there.
I have come to hate church. Yes, these two things are related. I love God, His word, worshipping in music. At home I pray, read the Bible, talk with fellow Christians. But I hate going to church. It seems that these days I can't go to anything nearby, other than the monastery. Let me rephrase. I can't go to any church that is of the type to feed my soul. I can go through the motions out of responsibility or guilt. You know I'm good at guilt. But I figure I can get at least one thing out of any service because I love God. Yet everywhere I turn (except the monastery) I encounter someone who stares that knows "of me". Or "just has to ask me" about stuff, while bearing an accusational tone. What a wide swath these sins of gossip and lies cut. Strangely, they seems to bear so much more negative consequence than say....adultery. They impact so many people.
Today I went to a church that I thought would be safe. I came home crying so badly while driving, that I hid my face and muffled my sounds so that Matthew wouldn't know. Not because it's wrong for him to see emotions, but because this battle is mine not his. He would try to protect me, which is not something a child should have to do.
I am rapidly coming to a conclusion which has been solidifying for a few months. God help the Christian who is perceived to be in sin, even without substantiation. There is fervoured spreading of the rumour of such perceived sin. I constantly feel the sting of judgement for something I have not done, yet the lies and slander continue.
Maybe this is all I can write for now. Even this is more than I am comfortable saying. Even this blog has had to be re-written at parts because of the nay-sayers who will look for "evidence" of something that isn't there. Some of you who are of that description are tuning in to do "research" or look for confessions or smile at my misery. That isn't the heart of Christ. Only those who are portraying Christ are welcome here.
For those who may be disappointed with this post, I'm sorry. I have held back, but have published parts of it. Not that my life will change because of it. Those who love me hopefully still will. Those who say negative things about me certainly still will. But I am still naive enough in many things in life to hope that maybe just one person, even one who knows nothing of my circumstances, will commit to reducing this kind of crap by being responsive to a person who needs it. That someone will choose not to pass judgement.
// posted by Annette @ 12:36 p.m. 