Friday, July 29, 2005
No Comment
More about blogging, but first something about my nature.
I have discovered, surprisingly, that I'm slightly competitive. I say surprisingly, because I didn't play sports or many games when growing up. I didn't like group icebreakers, and at gatherings was the one who found more joy in watching the games than playing the games. It didn't take much for me to feel inadequate, dumb, awkward. Still doesn't take much. Moreover, I have discovered that I like winning at something, though not winning to the point that someone else feels bad. 50% would be good. But the 50% that I'm on top, inside I'm bubbling. If I'm with someone whose feelings won't be hurt, I laugh excitedly...mischievously. It's borderline macabre with the right people, who won't take offense but instead will laugh at it. That's probably something to add to the list of things to work on.
When my comments were enabled, I would look at them in anticipation of something thought-provoking to be added to them. I enjoyed getting to know people's thoughts, and the "community" it seemed to invoke when all was going well. Especially if the comments were in my favour. But the competitive nature, the one that doesn't want to be the kid laughed at for not knowing how to play the game, would notice if the amount of comments on my site were not as much as the comments on someone else's. I'm just being honest here, so don't think I'm terrible for it. See, I just did it again - that sensitivity thing. Sometimes I would wonder how to write better, so that the people who were commenting elsewhere were commenting on mine too. It was like a popularity contest. Come on, I can't be the only one out there. You know the feeling of validation you get from seeing that there are more comments on the blog than there were before. Weren't we all following Jennifer's blog when it broke 100 comments? Do you remember the joke about it surpassing Scott's? Yep, it was funny. Though we were joking, there is that thrill. The same with the amount of visitors at one site compared to another, if site meter is enabled. It's like a popularity contest. My readership crashed tremendously this winter, and for many weeks I considered quitting all together. Was it worth the time to write? If no one gets anything from the blog, a journal is easier to keep. No pressure to create something a few times per week. No worries about what I'm writing. In fact, for a while I did keep a journal as well as the blog, for those things that couldn't be aired publicly. Back to the topic. How egotistical am I to even think anyone gets something from this blog? I had to really ask myself why I wanted to write, and I chose a magic number of readers that would mean folding the site. Not because I wanted to be "somebody", but because it would indicate my time had come and gone for this experience. The numbers came very close to the shutting down target (I believe off by one person). In that time though, a stranger emailed me. He had stumbled across the blog, and was struggling with some of the things I blogged about. He thanked me. That made it worth continuing for the time.
I hide behind my blogs sometimes. You do too. Not just by saying via this public forum the things that should be said to the individuals alone, but by covering up. Please, don't take this as promotion of spilling your guts. Sometimes guts are best left inside until things are sorted out. In fact, I've commended friends whom I know are purposefully being careful on their blogs, for having integrity. Sometimes there is nothing original on my site because I'm going through too much angst and don't want to seem angry, petty, bitter. I've said it before and you may be sick of it, but I'm trying to figure out how to live Christ. Better yet, how to let Christ do it for me. And conversely, sometimes topics are difficult to think of because there is an absence of angst to write about.
Wow, I've yakked alot. Maybe that's okay, since it's been months with these thoughts in my mind. The mind can be a sparse, lonely place. Oh...maybe I should have hung onto these thoughts a little while longer to avoid the now hollow sound in there. A word is ringing around...let me try to catch it. There it is. "Peach." Time to go eat one. See how simple it can sometimes be?
I have discovered, surprisingly, that I'm slightly competitive. I say surprisingly, because I didn't play sports or many games when growing up. I didn't like group icebreakers, and at gatherings was the one who found more joy in watching the games than playing the games. It didn't take much for me to feel inadequate, dumb, awkward. Still doesn't take much. Moreover, I have discovered that I like winning at something, though not winning to the point that someone else feels bad. 50% would be good. But the 50% that I'm on top, inside I'm bubbling. If I'm with someone whose feelings won't be hurt, I laugh excitedly...mischievously. It's borderline macabre with the right people, who won't take offense but instead will laugh at it. That's probably something to add to the list of things to work on.
When my comments were enabled, I would look at them in anticipation of something thought-provoking to be added to them. I enjoyed getting to know people's thoughts, and the "community" it seemed to invoke when all was going well. Especially if the comments were in my favour. But the competitive nature, the one that doesn't want to be the kid laughed at for not knowing how to play the game, would notice if the amount of comments on my site were not as much as the comments on someone else's. I'm just being honest here, so don't think I'm terrible for it. See, I just did it again - that sensitivity thing. Sometimes I would wonder how to write better, so that the people who were commenting elsewhere were commenting on mine too. It was like a popularity contest. Come on, I can't be the only one out there. You know the feeling of validation you get from seeing that there are more comments on the blog than there were before. Weren't we all following Jennifer's blog when it broke 100 comments? Do you remember the joke about it surpassing Scott's? Yep, it was funny. Though we were joking, there is that thrill. The same with the amount of visitors at one site compared to another, if site meter is enabled. It's like a popularity contest. My readership crashed tremendously this winter, and for many weeks I considered quitting all together. Was it worth the time to write? If no one gets anything from the blog, a journal is easier to keep. No pressure to create something a few times per week. No worries about what I'm writing. In fact, for a while I did keep a journal as well as the blog, for those things that couldn't be aired publicly. Back to the topic. How egotistical am I to even think anyone gets something from this blog? I had to really ask myself why I wanted to write, and I chose a magic number of readers that would mean folding the site. Not because I wanted to be "somebody", but because it would indicate my time had come and gone for this experience. The numbers came very close to the shutting down target (I believe off by one person). In that time though, a stranger emailed me. He had stumbled across the blog, and was struggling with some of the things I blogged about. He thanked me. That made it worth continuing for the time.
I hide behind my blogs sometimes. You do too. Not just by saying via this public forum the things that should be said to the individuals alone, but by covering up. Please, don't take this as promotion of spilling your guts. Sometimes guts are best left inside until things are sorted out. In fact, I've commended friends whom I know are purposefully being careful on their blogs, for having integrity. Sometimes there is nothing original on my site because I'm going through too much angst and don't want to seem angry, petty, bitter. I've said it before and you may be sick of it, but I'm trying to figure out how to live Christ. Better yet, how to let Christ do it for me. And conversely, sometimes topics are difficult to think of because there is an absence of angst to write about.
Wow, I've yakked alot. Maybe that's okay, since it's been months with these thoughts in my mind. The mind can be a sparse, lonely place. Oh...maybe I should have hung onto these thoughts a little while longer to avoid the now hollow sound in there. A word is ringing around...let me try to catch it. There it is. "Peach." Time to go eat one. See how simple it can sometimes be?
// posted by Annette @ 7:13 p.m. 