Thursday, July 28, 2005
Angry
I'm surprised today by my feelings, and have been questioning why I'm angry. Maybe it's because when returning back home from my relaxing family vacation I drove by someone whom I had enjoyed as an acquaintance, and have just found out has been critical behind my back...and perhaps even on my blog, though that is not positively identified and I don't care to know for sure. So, here I am, thinking things that are not new in my mind, but haven't been blogged about. This blog content has been contemplated and self-censored over and over. Maybe it will be self-censored again. Some things are best not published, and I don't know if this is one of them. You will hate this post, and so will I.
A while ago someone asked me if I consider the blogs to be a source of community. A year ago I may have said yes. Now I say no. To me, they are not community in the purest, socialistic sense of the word. If when you define community you would say mean-spirited, false, ego-centric, misleading, then community is what it is. Those are the bad parts of living and relating with people.
We publish stuff that rattles on and on about our own selves, our boasts, our insecurities, our opinions. It's about us. We publish things that are directed at others, that should be addressed privately, not publicly. We purge and publish, rather than purging and destroying. We receive validation for the purging, by well-meaning supporters. A step back and deep thought is not always used in our comments, sometimes resulting in confusion, embarrassment, or the occasional self-censoring deletion.
I liken this to a neighbourhood. Imagine posting a billboard on your front lawn for all to see. No, it's not a cul-de-sac. Anyone can read about your grievance or issues, and in fact the neighbourhood traffic increases because of curiosity. You welcome people to comment on the billboard, and provide the paint for them to do so. You check it regularly because inside you nervously desire affirmation for that part of you that is hung out on the billboard. Comments grow, and more interest ensues. Word gets around. Those whose lives are directly affected by what is posted may come in the dark of night, not wanting persecution. They hope they are not seen visiting your lawn, but visit it they do. It hurts, but there is a morbid curiosity to see how bad things can get. They cry as they walk away, but before they get in the car they steal one last glance, wondering why they do.
A few people have asked me when I will enable comments again. I don't know. Part of me wants to in order to get feedback on certain issues, but the overriding part of me is too afraid. I can get 20 positive comments, but the 2 mean-spirited ones override the rest and eat at me. I became exhausted of going to the computer every hour to see if the comments were devastating or not. You know, you don't have to agree with what I write, but be nice. And if you have an issue with my personal life, the blog comments (or your own blog post) are not the place to air it. That lacks bravado and integrity. Yes, I'm not pulling any punches.
I realize there are many blogs and many reasons for reading them. I've come across a variety of posts by strangers, and a few times the authors have made comments to the effect "It's my post, and if you don't like it don't read it". This has usually followed something negative or mean-spirited, for which criticism was received. There is no excuse for being mean-spirited. I know that's only my opinion, but I'm going to state it like it's fact. This is especially in the Christian community. Are we portraying Christ or are we not?
So, that would be my response about blog and community. It won't always be this way, and I'm taking a biased approach. Let me tell you what is community. Relationships that have developed from blog contacts, via email contact or coffee invitations. I have received resuscitation from these relationships, and hope that some have also felt the same. So, it's not all bad. But for the sake of whining, for today I've given myself permission to truly speak my mind.
A while ago someone asked me if I consider the blogs to be a source of community. A year ago I may have said yes. Now I say no. To me, they are not community in the purest, socialistic sense of the word. If when you define community you would say mean-spirited, false, ego-centric, misleading, then community is what it is. Those are the bad parts of living and relating with people.
We publish stuff that rattles on and on about our own selves, our boasts, our insecurities, our opinions. It's about us. We publish things that are directed at others, that should be addressed privately, not publicly. We purge and publish, rather than purging and destroying. We receive validation for the purging, by well-meaning supporters. A step back and deep thought is not always used in our comments, sometimes resulting in confusion, embarrassment, or the occasional self-censoring deletion.
I liken this to a neighbourhood. Imagine posting a billboard on your front lawn for all to see. No, it's not a cul-de-sac. Anyone can read about your grievance or issues, and in fact the neighbourhood traffic increases because of curiosity. You welcome people to comment on the billboard, and provide the paint for them to do so. You check it regularly because inside you nervously desire affirmation for that part of you that is hung out on the billboard. Comments grow, and more interest ensues. Word gets around. Those whose lives are directly affected by what is posted may come in the dark of night, not wanting persecution. They hope they are not seen visiting your lawn, but visit it they do. It hurts, but there is a morbid curiosity to see how bad things can get. They cry as they walk away, but before they get in the car they steal one last glance, wondering why they do.
A few people have asked me when I will enable comments again. I don't know. Part of me wants to in order to get feedback on certain issues, but the overriding part of me is too afraid. I can get 20 positive comments, but the 2 mean-spirited ones override the rest and eat at me. I became exhausted of going to the computer every hour to see if the comments were devastating or not. You know, you don't have to agree with what I write, but be nice. And if you have an issue with my personal life, the blog comments (or your own blog post) are not the place to air it. That lacks bravado and integrity. Yes, I'm not pulling any punches.
I realize there are many blogs and many reasons for reading them. I've come across a variety of posts by strangers, and a few times the authors have made comments to the effect "It's my post, and if you don't like it don't read it". This has usually followed something negative or mean-spirited, for which criticism was received. There is no excuse for being mean-spirited. I know that's only my opinion, but I'm going to state it like it's fact. This is especially in the Christian community. Are we portraying Christ or are we not?
So, that would be my response about blog and community. It won't always be this way, and I'm taking a biased approach. Let me tell you what is community. Relationships that have developed from blog contacts, via email contact or coffee invitations. I have received resuscitation from these relationships, and hope that some have also felt the same. So, it's not all bad. But for the sake of whining, for today I've given myself permission to truly speak my mind.
// posted by Annette @ 3:27 p.m. 