be-musings

One day Matthew and I were walking home from school, when he starting frantically muttering a boy's name and dodging to each side of me, crouching as he did. At first I didn’t understand what was going on, but then I clued in. It takes a while sometimes. He was afraid the boy would see him and tease him. He told me that the boy teases him often. It was sad to see Matthew’s fear of him and that his fear so dominated his actions and where he felt was safe to walk. I told him it would be okay, and tried to see who it was for future reference as well as to know how to best make Matthew feel safe and “shielded”.

We are all children inside. We think we have grown up and are “mature” and know how to deal with life, conflict, teasing. To be honest, I don’t know if we really have grown up or if we’ve just changed some of the “game”. The stakes seem high as an adult. It’s still difficult to cope in when we see or experience “playground tactics”. It reminds me that we are human through to the end, and that in reality the sin of the fall is still prevalent in this human existence.

"To you who are ready for the truth, I say this: Love your enemies. Let them bring out the best in you, not the worst. When someone gives you a hard time, respond with the energies of prayer for that person. If someone slaps you in the face, stand there and take it. If someone grabs your shirt, gift-wrap your best coat and make a present of it. If someone takes unfair advantage of you, use the occasion to practice the servant life. No more tit-for-tat stuff. Live generously.” (Luke 6:27-30.)

Mom told me that this Sunday her pastor preached on praying for “your enemies”. I don’t think I can totally understand that term, but I have my own application of the principle. I didn’t like hearing her say it, in a way. I know it’s true, but sometimes I struggle with wanting to pray when I’m hurt. You see, I feel that prayer is primarily for my heart. It has been my experience that it works in me by softening me toward whomever I’m praying for. And let’s face it, sometimes soft isn’t what we want. We want to be RIGHT. We want to pray with an agenda – that bloody control thing again. And we’re not always right (hard to believe, but really…its true). I can’t pray with an agenda in my life. I gave it up years ago because it never worked out. When I pray then, since I can’t tell God what to do, I pray that He will be with the person along their journey. How can I pray that without caring for and loving them? Can you see the dilemma, when my natural instinct is not to love them?

I’m not there right now. Maybe first I need to pray for myself. “God, bring me to the point where I can pray for these others. Soften me enough to at least be able to get to that level before I get to where I should be. Open me slowly, instead of not opening me at all. Amen.”