Sunday, June 19, 2005
Guilt
Much of my life has been ruled by responsibility and guilt. They go hand in hand very well. It's an unhealthy way to live, whereby joy is reduced. I've been working through that, and it's an arduous process. Some days I'm incredibly free. Some days memories ripe with faces, expressions, raw emotions zap me unexpectedly and I'm reminded that I'm still in process of healing.
One of my professions was a a hairstylist. In 1986 an older woman who never should have had a perm asked for one. Her hair was fried already. The salon owner never let us refuse any services, so I had the woman sign a waiver and gave it my best shot. Apparently that wasn't good enough, because her hair became even more fried. As she looked in the mirror while I tried my best to salvage it, she kept saying I couldn't trim it because her husband might be mad at her. She seemed afraid of him, and I was concerned for her...because her hair was not getting any longer that day. This memory of "inferiority" and wondering if things were okay with her at home still bother me. It was 19 years ago, and it still haunts me. Pretty bad, hey? That's the smallest of the things that make a repeat appearance in my guilt memories.
There have been things I'm not proud of. Sometimes I've really screwed up. Other times I know I've done the best I could with the circumstances that were presented. Yet somehow they all blend together when the "responsibility" kicks in. It's always my fault in some way. Am I the only one?
When I worked at the bank, whenever I would hear of a big mistake that they were investigating and weren't sure who did it, I began to create a "memory" that it must have been me. It was fear, as well as the realization that I am definitely not infallible. What I learned over the years in that job is that the moments I thought something was probably my fault it wasn't. The mistakes I did make, with the exception of one particular time, were ones that I never gave second thought to after the transaction was done. The things I worried about the most didn't happen. The things I didn't worry about were what bit me in the butt.
My journey has taken me on this path of realization that I beat myself up alot. Do you? I always said I could criticize myself better than anyone else could. I can tell you most of my faults before you even begin to formulate an opinion about them. That's not ego...it's guilt. I'm soooo familiar with them because I beat myself up over them all the time.
I'm not whining or depressed, just doing therapy. This is a slow process.
One of my professions was a a hairstylist. In 1986 an older woman who never should have had a perm asked for one. Her hair was fried already. The salon owner never let us refuse any services, so I had the woman sign a waiver and gave it my best shot. Apparently that wasn't good enough, because her hair became even more fried. As she looked in the mirror while I tried my best to salvage it, she kept saying I couldn't trim it because her husband might be mad at her. She seemed afraid of him, and I was concerned for her...because her hair was not getting any longer that day. This memory of "inferiority" and wondering if things were okay with her at home still bother me. It was 19 years ago, and it still haunts me. Pretty bad, hey? That's the smallest of the things that make a repeat appearance in my guilt memories.
There have been things I'm not proud of. Sometimes I've really screwed up. Other times I know I've done the best I could with the circumstances that were presented. Yet somehow they all blend together when the "responsibility" kicks in. It's always my fault in some way. Am I the only one?
When I worked at the bank, whenever I would hear of a big mistake that they were investigating and weren't sure who did it, I began to create a "memory" that it must have been me. It was fear, as well as the realization that I am definitely not infallible. What I learned over the years in that job is that the moments I thought something was probably my fault it wasn't. The mistakes I did make, with the exception of one particular time, were ones that I never gave second thought to after the transaction was done. The things I worried about the most didn't happen. The things I didn't worry about were what bit me in the butt.
My journey has taken me on this path of realization that I beat myself up alot. Do you? I always said I could criticize myself better than anyone else could. I can tell you most of my faults before you even begin to formulate an opinion about them. That's not ego...it's guilt. I'm soooo familiar with them because I beat myself up over them all the time.
I'm not whining or depressed, just doing therapy. This is a slow process.
// posted by Annette @ 6:50 p.m. 