be-musings

Yesterday I joined Matthew's school class for a field trip to Storeum in gastown. I was one of the few parent volunteers whom the bus did not have room for, so I drove. By myself. I wasn't certain that morning how I was going to get there or how far I would drive. Maybe I would follow the bus all the way in, but that would mean driving downtown. I haven't done that by myself, and avoid driving that part when with others. Maybe I would drive partway and take the skytrain the rest of the way. But I didn't know the station that I was being advised to find. It's at Lougheed mall. I only know where Ikea is. All Vancouver/Burnaby directions must revolve around Ikea or I'm messed up. Even then, I still am. Yes, I'm babbling, but only for you to get the picture. To drive downtown by myself was a necessary step in proving that my "fears" aren't rational and the things that my active imagination could come up with probably wouldn't happen.
I drove in following the bus, got separated from it on the freeway, and stayed calm. Bridges didn't bother me. The plethora of people on Hastings street (the bad section) didn't bother me. It was a positive, affirming experience. I felt good, happy, change evident.
On the way home thoughts turned to the possibility of a car accident and my son, 15 minutes behind me on the bus, having to witness it. Man, the mind is a crazy thing. I realized it as a "blast from the past", and dismissed it. Nothing was going to ruin the small victories that day. I laughed when I realized how foolish and unrealistic the new thoughts of doom were.
Don't think I'm a paranoid freak. Actually, I think I'm fairly normal. We all have history and memories that cause irrational thoughts to come into our minds. My fear of driving downtown isn't paralyzing. But my thoughts of "what if" can be emotionally forefront. A little quickening of the heart when traffic closes around me. Not knowing what the other people are doing. Just enough to have an "edge" and want to make other arrangements if possible. Maybe not any more.
I think this summer when I go into the city I'll go to an unknown skytrain station and see where it leads me without being upset about getting lost.
It's liberating when I let the unknown situations and surprises be an adventure rather than a stress. After all, it's only a detour, not a final destination. Or is that true? Maybe it can be a destination. Do we always know the best about where to arrive and what route to take? You know I'm not talking about gastown anymore, don't you?