Saturday, June 11, 2005
All my fears
As children we learn fear responses, and we file the experiences so that they aren't repeated. Examples: touching a hot stove, falling down stairs, a near drowning experience. I've heard of some people who have fear of carpet, but have no "rational" reason why. Surprisingly, Matthew doesn't, because when he was 3 he tried to impress some people by getting down on all fours, crawling across the carpet, with his head firmly pressed against it. The more the laughs, the faster he did it. The result: the first layer of skin torn off and a bright red carpet burn that lasted for a week. The memory of that pain didn't deter him, because this happened on 2 occasions. After the second time he decided it wasn't funny anymore.
Some of us are more determined than others.
I've been thinking about my fears as they relate directly to me, not to my family or friends. There are plenty. Try some of these:
• physical violation/sexual abuse
• home invasion, especially when on the premises
• mutilation (not the machete kind, but any deep physical scar or extreme impairment)
• death by drowning
• earthquake
• bridge collapse while on or under it (refer to earthquake)
• that inevitable phone call from the police if someone is very late returning home
The list I just spelled out is probably enough to make you think I'm a huge phobic. Or does it? Do you recognize some of yours on there?
It has taken me 41 years of experience to solidify these fears. They don't die easily, and often I really want to hang onto them. They protect me from what I "know" will happen. I have learned from what has happened to me already and from what I have seen happen to others. I have experienced minor forms of physical violation. Not to the degree of many others, but enough for the mind of a child to carry it for years and to amplify it into an adult fear. Home invasion came true twice, while I wasn't present. When it happened the second time I was actually relieved that the thing I had anticipated "finally" happened. Like I would put it to rest. But I didn't. When I was a teenager I began to have dreams about my childhood that I thought were fiction, but my mother confirmed they were indeed real. In one of those dreams I witnessed a baby crawl under a car, the owners get into the car and drive off a little ways, dragging the baby under it. My mother was shocked, because they thought no one saw it happen. Can you imagine the panic of the adults who realized what was going on and were tending to the scene? They wouldn't notice a preschool child standing a few houses beind them.
We all hear horror stories and some of us go beyond "that's awful" and incorporate the fear into our lives. We take our personal experiences and those around us and harbour them. They protect. Make us feel safe.
Do they really? Is it better to have fears to prevent us from repeating dangers? How healthy is it? Sure, touching a hot stove will produce pain and scars, which is a good lesson to learn, but when is it too much? If I wake up in a panic several times a night because the creak I just heard might be an intruder (but isn't) is that healthy? I had my plan of how I would straddle under the bedframe so I wouldn't be seen. But now that I have a child that strategy would have to change so that it's about him first. How do I figure that out? Do you see how we spin complicated traps for our mind? What if...what if...what if??????
I'm tired of living in what if. No, tired is not the way to describe it. I WON'T live in the bondage of fear. Will everything disappear right away because I say so? No. Yet there is hope and a future that is bright. And the present is not bad too. There's been a healing in my life, and I want the work to continue.
I can:
• be alone in my home without the fear of invasion
• jump off a low cliff into water. Swim without paranoia of not being able to breathe properly
• go to the theatre without planning my earthquake strategy
• cross a bridge without any thought of it's collapsing
• tell myself that lateness doesn't mean a tragic car accident (still working on that one).
I can choose to protect myself from all my dangers...all my fears. In the protecting I have lived out my fears over and over and over and over. What I have been afraid of happening I have made real in my mind and the physiological reaction that has happened has solidified it. So, in trying to dull my senses to it I have instead heightened them. That's messed, isn't it? I see now that I need to continue in this healing. To see what I have written here as being truth for me. That those "security blankets" are not at all secure.
I've written about this kind of topic before. This post is not as well planned and hasn't been edited. I won't edit it, because if I do then I'll just delete it rather than publish it. Maybe this post is more for me than for anyone else.
Some of us are more determined than others.
I've been thinking about my fears as they relate directly to me, not to my family or friends. There are plenty. Try some of these:
• physical violation/sexual abuse
• home invasion, especially when on the premises
• mutilation (not the machete kind, but any deep physical scar or extreme impairment)
• death by drowning
• earthquake
• bridge collapse while on or under it (refer to earthquake)
• that inevitable phone call from the police if someone is very late returning home
The list I just spelled out is probably enough to make you think I'm a huge phobic. Or does it? Do you recognize some of yours on there?
It has taken me 41 years of experience to solidify these fears. They don't die easily, and often I really want to hang onto them. They protect me from what I "know" will happen. I have learned from what has happened to me already and from what I have seen happen to others. I have experienced minor forms of physical violation. Not to the degree of many others, but enough for the mind of a child to carry it for years and to amplify it into an adult fear. Home invasion came true twice, while I wasn't present. When it happened the second time I was actually relieved that the thing I had anticipated "finally" happened. Like I would put it to rest. But I didn't. When I was a teenager I began to have dreams about my childhood that I thought were fiction, but my mother confirmed they were indeed real. In one of those dreams I witnessed a baby crawl under a car, the owners get into the car and drive off a little ways, dragging the baby under it. My mother was shocked, because they thought no one saw it happen. Can you imagine the panic of the adults who realized what was going on and were tending to the scene? They wouldn't notice a preschool child standing a few houses beind them.
We all hear horror stories and some of us go beyond "that's awful" and incorporate the fear into our lives. We take our personal experiences and those around us and harbour them. They protect. Make us feel safe.
Do they really? Is it better to have fears to prevent us from repeating dangers? How healthy is it? Sure, touching a hot stove will produce pain and scars, which is a good lesson to learn, but when is it too much? If I wake up in a panic several times a night because the creak I just heard might be an intruder (but isn't) is that healthy? I had my plan of how I would straddle under the bedframe so I wouldn't be seen. But now that I have a child that strategy would have to change so that it's about him first. How do I figure that out? Do you see how we spin complicated traps for our mind? What if...what if...what if??????
I'm tired of living in what if. No, tired is not the way to describe it. I WON'T live in the bondage of fear. Will everything disappear right away because I say so? No. Yet there is hope and a future that is bright. And the present is not bad too. There's been a healing in my life, and I want the work to continue.
I can:
• be alone in my home without the fear of invasion
• jump off a low cliff into water. Swim without paranoia of not being able to breathe properly
• go to the theatre without planning my earthquake strategy
• cross a bridge without any thought of it's collapsing
• tell myself that lateness doesn't mean a tragic car accident (still working on that one).
I can choose to protect myself from all my dangers...all my fears. In the protecting I have lived out my fears over and over and over and over. What I have been afraid of happening I have made real in my mind and the physiological reaction that has happened has solidified it. So, in trying to dull my senses to it I have instead heightened them. That's messed, isn't it? I see now that I need to continue in this healing. To see what I have written here as being truth for me. That those "security blankets" are not at all secure.
I've written about this kind of topic before. This post is not as well planned and hasn't been edited. I won't edit it, because if I do then I'll just delete it rather than publish it. Maybe this post is more for me than for anyone else.
// posted by Annette @ 9:05 a.m. 