Monday, February 21, 2005
Guts
It's been a couple of months since my guts have spilled out in the blog, and it's time for a more direct revealing. I will not speak in innuendo, but directly. Comments will be banned for a time period, to protect my heart from the expected barrage of abuse that may follow. It is disappointing that the blogs, which began with healing purpose and community experience, are beginning to spin into something ugly. Just recently a person opened a blog site with the express purpose of slamming someone (that being Scott). Seems to me people's true colours are shown by their gossip and hostility. I don't know if what comes next will create a larger negative impact than what is already happening, but I sure hope not.
Yes, I am in the midst of a divorce. There is rumour that it has been caused by Scott; supposedly that he broke us up. I haven't wanted to tell my side of the breakup story because I don't want to put people in awkward positions of wondering what to believe, feeling that they have to choose sides, getting gossip spinning, or starting a mudslinging contest with Brander. Also, if I end up with sympathizers I don't want Brander to have to deal with fallout from that. I have no desire to "ruin his reputation" (not to assume that I would/could say anything which would create damage). Unfortunately not everyone around the breakup shares those same viewpoints. I will still not go into the reasons for the divorce, but will express some direct things which hopefully do not attack character.
What people don't know is that divorce was not a new topic in our household. It stems back at least 11 years. Later in the post you'll see the reason why I say that. The breakup up was not sudden in that way, and it was not for reasons which were new. They were long standing in our relationship. We were persistent in trying to push through, though many of the problems resurfaced repetitively. It's none of your business what the problems were.
There is accusation that Scott was influential in the breakup. His role was only that he happened to be invited out and over on two occasions, and facilitated counseling sessions. He heard the problems of the years laid out and witnessed the two way conversations. He was there during the initiation of the breakup, at Brander's request. He played the role of the objective counselor, asking questions of both of us, reiterating what he heard us saying, checking for clarity. He encouraged us during the first "session" after hearing everything laid out, when he said "You guys have always been able to talk honestly, which goes a long way to solving things".
In the first couple of weeks that Brander was gone, the three of us were contacted by a Free Methodist authority. Not wanting to drag them into this blog I won't name names. I think the purest truth comes when a difficult experience is brand new, before animosity or conjecture sets in. I was the third person contacted. At the end of my "questioning session" I was told that all three of us said the same thing about our three-way friendship and absolved Scott of any inappropriateness in the breakup. I was naive enough to think that's where the rumour and innuendo would end.
Breakup and divorce is hard, for both parties, even the "initiator". I have chosen through this to remain as silent as possible. I cannot assume, and the new blog site is a perfect example, that others have chosen or will choose the same path. I wonder sometimes how people think they have the perfect opinion or answer when they weren't in the room during first-hand conversations, don't know both people well, and rely on one person's take on the situation. How bold or foolish does a person have to be to believe that Scott can be so influential as to strike up a friendship and 7 weeks later end a 22 year healthy/happy marriage? To quote Princess Bride "Inconceivable!" (Image the lisp on that one.)
This particular post may end my blogging, if people decide it's inappropriate or malicious. I hope in my heart that I have not been malicious. You may sense frustration, because it's hard for me to sit back for so long and try to be a person who doesn't express my feelings when I hear slander, gossip, and mean-spiritedness. I don't want to be perceived as doing any of those things. Yet, even in my silence I am hearing that I am or have been doing many bad things. I would like to continue blogging, and will try not to care if the number of readers diminishes. I really hope that I won't have to write about this topic again, because this is not my idea of the purpose of the blog. It is my desire to lift and encourage others, and hope that on most days people are when visiting this site. If no one does, then there is no point to blogging. We have enough sorrow in the world around us. Hope is what we all need. Sometimes it wanes dim...but one day the light will shine again.
Yes, I am in the midst of a divorce. There is rumour that it has been caused by Scott; supposedly that he broke us up. I haven't wanted to tell my side of the breakup story because I don't want to put people in awkward positions of wondering what to believe, feeling that they have to choose sides, getting gossip spinning, or starting a mudslinging contest with Brander. Also, if I end up with sympathizers I don't want Brander to have to deal with fallout from that. I have no desire to "ruin his reputation" (not to assume that I would/could say anything which would create damage). Unfortunately not everyone around the breakup shares those same viewpoints. I will still not go into the reasons for the divorce, but will express some direct things which hopefully do not attack character.
What people don't know is that divorce was not a new topic in our household. It stems back at least 11 years. Later in the post you'll see the reason why I say that. The breakup up was not sudden in that way, and it was not for reasons which were new. They were long standing in our relationship. We were persistent in trying to push through, though many of the problems resurfaced repetitively. It's none of your business what the problems were.
There is accusation that Scott was influential in the breakup. His role was only that he happened to be invited out and over on two occasions, and facilitated counseling sessions. He heard the problems of the years laid out and witnessed the two way conversations. He was there during the initiation of the breakup, at Brander's request. He played the role of the objective counselor, asking questions of both of us, reiterating what he heard us saying, checking for clarity. He encouraged us during the first "session" after hearing everything laid out, when he said "You guys have always been able to talk honestly, which goes a long way to solving things".
In the first couple of weeks that Brander was gone, the three of us were contacted by a Free Methodist authority. Not wanting to drag them into this blog I won't name names. I think the purest truth comes when a difficult experience is brand new, before animosity or conjecture sets in. I was the third person contacted. At the end of my "questioning session" I was told that all three of us said the same thing about our three-way friendship and absolved Scott of any inappropriateness in the breakup. I was naive enough to think that's where the rumour and innuendo would end.
Breakup and divorce is hard, for both parties, even the "initiator". I have chosen through this to remain as silent as possible. I cannot assume, and the new blog site is a perfect example, that others have chosen or will choose the same path. I wonder sometimes how people think they have the perfect opinion or answer when they weren't in the room during first-hand conversations, don't know both people well, and rely on one person's take on the situation. How bold or foolish does a person have to be to believe that Scott can be so influential as to strike up a friendship and 7 weeks later end a 22 year healthy/happy marriage? To quote Princess Bride "Inconceivable!" (Image the lisp on that one.)
This particular post may end my blogging, if people decide it's inappropriate or malicious. I hope in my heart that I have not been malicious. You may sense frustration, because it's hard for me to sit back for so long and try to be a person who doesn't express my feelings when I hear slander, gossip, and mean-spiritedness. I don't want to be perceived as doing any of those things. Yet, even in my silence I am hearing that I am or have been doing many bad things. I would like to continue blogging, and will try not to care if the number of readers diminishes. I really hope that I won't have to write about this topic again, because this is not my idea of the purpose of the blog. It is my desire to lift and encourage others, and hope that on most days people are when visiting this site. If no one does, then there is no point to blogging. We have enough sorrow in the world around us. Hope is what we all need. Sometimes it wanes dim...but one day the light will shine again.
// posted by Annette @ 10:01 p.m. 