be-musings

I've tried to write this post once already and deleted it. It's been mulling around my mind all week, and I might as well write it. It may be raw in parts, and isn't finished. I think I'll leave it that way. Not everything can be wrapped up neat and tidy. Take what you want, or nothing at all.

When I was 13 my dad grounded me for leaving my girlfriend's house at 9:30 and not returning before he was summoned to go find us at midnight. I can clearly visualize that night. He was driving me home in the dark, in the blue truck. I looked across at him at the beginning of the emphatic chastisement. "You shouldn't have gone without telling them ." "You should have returned sooner." "You're grounded." (That was a new one for me.) "I'm upset because I was worried about you because I love you." HE LOVED ME!!!! That's the first time I recall hearing him say that. So, though I was being reprimanded I got this warm fuzzy feeling and didn't mind so much. The grounding I hated, and managed to escape from.
When I was 30 I had my first father/daughter bonding experience. He had to come to Vancouver for his wife's surgery, and he stayed with me. Brander was away. I was nervous. Dad and I never spent much time together, and didn't talk much. We didn't know each other. What would I do with him for 2 days?
We went to a restaurant. There was a 30 year old man with his little daughter. Dad was looking at them and smiling...not a "that's cute smile, but a contemplative one. He said "Things are different now than when I was a young dad." I know what he meant.
We went back to my place. I pulled out a music book and played the piano while he played guitar and we sang. You don't know my dad. It was unusual torture to listen to, but I was practically in tears the whole time...happy ones. We were dad and daughter, doing something together.
About 5 years later we went to visit him. Now, my dad is cheap. The kind that doesn't want to go anywhere because it costs money. During this visit he decided to take us out for supper at his expense. And roast dinner yet! During dinner we were talking about parenting mistakes we've heard about, but doing it in a joking manner. My dad got serious and said "Yeah, I made some mistakes too, hey Annette?" I almost spit out my food. Now would have been my chance to get back at him for not being there. For making me feel unloved. For being a person I was afraid of and angry at when I was growing up. But now was not the time. This wasn't the past. I knew what I said would not change the past or make it better. It would only shape the future. So, I smiled and said "Well, you did tell us to 'dummy up' a few times." I couldn't totally lie, but I also couldn't bring myself to talk about the physical and emotional injustices I feel were done to me and my family.
A short while later I reconnected with a girl I knew. She was now 19, and was reliving her childhood complaints about her father. She wanted to confront him with all the injustices done to her, and make him cringe. She wanted him to pay. In my anger I understood. But I counselled her that she can't change the past, only the future. She might feel good that she has caused him to "have a reckoning" but that satisfaction would be short lived.

If you've been physically/sexually/emotionally abused (or if the abuse is still continuing) and this angers you, I'm sorry. I can't speak about something I haven't lived. I can't tell you not to confront. If you've been raped, there needs to be punishment. Yes, for what was done to you, but also to hopefully stop (or delay) it happening to someone else. Forgive me if I offend.

My story is like many of yours, I know. And we all have a choice. We won't all make the same one. I can't speak for what's right for you. Only what's right for me.

Well, it's out there. This isn't easy to do. It's like being on a ledge and afraid of heights. I like revealing only what I want people to see (that's a topic for another post), and this isn't one of those things. But it's been nagging me, so here it is. I better shut up now.