be-musings

Let me tell you another story.
I've made mention on my profile that I was encouraged to blog. Well, two weeks ago Brander, Matthew and I were travelling to Vernon and I was driving down the hill leading into town. 10 minutes from our destination. I starting talking with Brander about this blog stuff. I was theorizing (slash complaining) that I don't have time to blog, especially every day. "My life is full of what I have to do and I have little time for anything else. I have to clean the house. I have to work full-time. I have to spend time at night with Matthew. I have to call friends that I haven't talked to in a while. I have to pay all the bills and do the banking. I have to....." You know what I mean. At that moment, in the darkness as we were descending the hill and I was driving 90 km/h Brander sarcastically says "Why don't you just concentrate on what you have to do right now." Wrong moment for sarcasm. I looked at him and asked him if he wanted to get out right then and there (and I didn't slow down).
Funny, here I am blogging. And as I'm writing this I wonder if he was making a joke in poor taste or if he was telling me to focus on one thing at a time. Maybe it doesn't sound so bad after all. Almost.
Why am I doing this now? I think some things take time to sink in. Scott telling me it is a good idea, Brander's comment, and a website I visited about mom's really being their best if they make time for something they enjoy. I don't know yet how much I enjoy this, especially compared to singing, but in this last few days I have discovered something. This is my therapy. It would be cool if it might be yours on some days too. Nothing spectacular...just a drop of something to think about that someone else will add to and then it will make sense. But if that doesn't happen to you it's okay. At least I am feeling more alive and vibrant doing this.
Maybe next time I ask Brander to leave the vehicle I'll slow down first.

I'm going to try an analogy which many be too corny for some, and definitely will contain too many details for men. Bear with me...I think I may be going somewhere with this.
Right now it's naptime for the kids, which gives me a few minutes to type this. The three year old doesn't seem to want to settle down. I know that she needs this sleep. She's rolling around on her bed, doing her best to keep busy. There are no toys in the room, she has no pockets in which to store treasures to distract her, and she didn't bring in any coins. I know that from the metal detector I set up at the door for such occasions. Well, that last part isn't true but I've thought about it on some days.
I checked on her because I knew she was moving around, trying to keep herself awake. She got up to go to the bathroom, smiled and asked if she could go play. Back to bed I made her go. Now that she has tried all her stall tactics, she's fast asleep. Rest is what I know she is needing, but she would rather play. She needs to be still, but she wants to be busy? Know were I'm going?
We don't always know what is best for us. Our Father does. Many times we disagree with what our spirits tell us is needed, because it is more to our liking to keep ourselves busy. I'm not talking about listening to the will of God and doing what He says. I'm talking about stopping long enough to rest. Many of us can't stop living our busy lives, but how are we centred inside? Are we breathing with God? Are we keeping our hearts busy stressing because we're pouting about where our life is at.
Breathe. Center.

I've been giving some thought to forgiveness.  Before you think there has been some major trauma or violation in my life, stop.  Recently I was involved in a conversation regarding the sin of Christians, and what I would view as intolerance from within the church.  Now only God truly knows the heart of people, but if a person seems to have turned away from their sinful act(s), repented, and began to make amends is this not all that is required of them?   So why are we long lasting in harboring distaste, distrust and judgment against them?  
For a moment let's talk about someone who has just become a Christian.  In that second of their repentance and acceptance of Christ we seem to be more forgiving of that person than once they have been "saved" for a while and screw up.  Many people are convinced that God loves them during their conversion experience.  After being inducted into the church and Christian relationships they find out (are taught) how disappointed God is with them.  Why is that?  Agreeably, we should not do things that harm us or others or give a bad example of what it is to be a Christian.  Yet at the same time none of us can live the life of perfection, where nothing we do is wrong (thought or deed) or even where any action doesn't negatively affect a person's perception of our behaviour or character.  We can't control everyone and everything in our circle of contact to that degree.  And by the way, in God's scale there is no degree of sin...gossip is as much a sin as stealing or adultery or anything else you would name.
I once heard a friend say "we are saved from the condition of sin, not the act of sin".  God sees us as perfect because he sees Christ.  That doesn't mean we have carte blanche to do whatever seems convenient or tempting.  When we see how much Christ loves us and accepts us it is our desire to live "clean".  It gives us more power, not more excuses.  Freedom doesn't mean anarchy, but obedience out of love (not fear) and choice.
We all need to be forgiven, and some of us very frequently.  Let's judge others the way we want to be judged. 

At Street Church this week I met a 7 year old girl, long hair, wearing a teenager's silver dress.  After I had sung a couple of songs I walked around and she began talking to me about hearing me sing and that it was great.  You know...standard stuff.  Sure.  I told her that her dress and jewelry were fabulous.  So, we bonded in the way of females.  I sang more songs and she talked to me in the next break, saying she winked at me but I didn't see her.  I talked to her while touching her face, let my hair fall around her creating that mystic that only girls understand.  I watched for her in the next set, but she didn't seem to look at me.  Matthew was flirting with her.  I was told that he had her on one side and a woman on the other side when at the couch.  Hmmm.  At the prayer circle we held hands for a short time, but then made room for others.  I winked at her as we separated and smiled.  When the moment came to rejoin, she stood beside me and we each put an arm around each other, standing hip to hip (actually hip to shoulder due to the height difference).    We were enjoying each other's presence.
A teen who knows this girl said the girl liked me and was so familiar because she is a "mommy's girl" and can see the mom in me.  I knew otherwise.  I was that girl once.  Long hair, dressing up, wanting to be pretty to someone.  Many times wanting to be someone I wasn't.  When I was a girl it was easy for me to imagine I was something glamorous.  A movie star or that pretty Victorian redhead woman on the back of the playing card that I found on the playground.  That card stayed in my room for a long time.
Brander and I talked about my experience with this girl.  He saw us together and knew...what she was attracted to was the same as what I was attracted to.  We saw each other in the other person.  She saw part of what she might want to be...a big "girl".  She also saw what I am inside...a little girl.  For that moment I was glad that a part of me had regressed...or maybe never grown up.

Tonight I went to the local creek with my husband Brander and 6 year old son Matthew, to cool off and throw a stick for our dog.  Livy loves the water, and seems to underestimate her strength and size when it comes to retrieving sticks.  She isn't satisfied with any 2 foot piece that we throw.  It must be at least twice her body length and be virtually impossible to drag onto the beach to drop at our feet.
During the time of throwing for Livy, Matthew was swimming.  After a while he too began to swim with a stick in his mouth.  He came up to shore, dropped it at Brander's feet, and told him to throw it in the water.  Brander did, and Matthew swam in after it, retrieving it with his teeth and swimming around a bit, while also holding another stick in his hand.  He isn't as well trained as Livy, because he didn't bring it back again.  We're going to have to work on that tomorrow.